I haven’t been on here in a long time, pretty much since I started drinking again last summer. Been back on the booze for a year now and it’s gotten soooo bad. I need to stop. At this moment I’m feeling anxiety, shame, guilt and concern for my physical health. These last few weekends I’ve been consuming anywhere from 15-30 drinks a weekend. Everytime I tell myself I’m gonna control it and then I’ve lost control again.
At your worst, how many drinks were you having?
For me, about 10-20/day. By that point I was well and truly stuck.
The bad part was how long this went on. Think the last 2 or 3 years, I couldn’t remember a single day I didn’t drink. By the end I felt so hollowed out I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
I knew I had a problem well before this, but I hadn’t had enough yet.
But eventually I had to admit I couldn’t control it. Once I gave up any notion of that, I was finally able to start living sober! Wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Yes today is day 1… it’s rough, been here many times already. Had to take 1 mg of Xanax, which I don’t like using those for this. I’m suppose to save those as a back up for my anxiety disorder. At least I have the day off work to recover.
I don’t have a plan at the moment but I have taken long break before so I can do it but those times when I was sober I was also single and didn’t have to worry about anyone else. Now I’m in a relationship and he likes to drink, not as much as me. I’m not sure how he’s going to feel about me not drinking anymore.
I think at this time I just need to think day by day at this point.
That’s true… I just feeling guilty of the amount I’ve been drinking. I already have an anxiety disorder which I take medication for and I know this drinking is not good for it. I’m in a new relationship where he enjoys drinking as well but not nearly as much as me. I feel like I’m almost the bad influence on him as he tries to keep up with me. We are having fun in our drunken times. We are both happy silly drunks, so nothing bad ever happens, but it’s the next day for me and following days after…I just feel completely fucked and shame.
The question I’d be asking is how we stopped when we reached this point.
I know for me my use was very high for a long time. What it took for me to finally stop was checking myself into a 30 day inpatient rehab, followed by 6 months of IOP. But more importantly, after rehab, I went to therapy and have also done that at different times in my sobriety. Even more important than that was daily AA (for 6 months) and continued attendance at almost 5 years. Even more importantly I got a sponsor and practice the steps in my daily life.
Now, if you’re thinking that I was drinking and using way more than you, you’re probably right. But if that plan worked for me when I was drinking and drugging at my peak it will also work for you at your peak.
Good on you for realising the negative impact it has been having on your life and doing something about it.
Congratulations on your day1 today is the day your life starts to get better, it’s great your back and that you know you need to stop before any damage is done. 
Welcome back C 
You are addicted to alcohol. It’s that simple. Your relationship with alcohol is, and always will be, unhealthy.
You stay with alcohol and you die: either you die literally, by physically dying; or you die mentally, by always being gone (either in being numb and dumb and drunk, or in obsessing and worrying about being drunk). You stay with alcohol, and you are dead.
You quit and you get to live.
Do you want to live? How much do you want it? Do you want it the same way someone searches for water in the desert? Why do you keep returning here to Talking Sober? (You’re always welcome of course but what I’m saying is the fact you keep coming back means there’s something about being sober that you want. Think about what you want. Really think about it. Let yourself want it.)
Forget your boyfriend. Sorry to be harsh but my point is: you’re not some movie screen where he gets to play out the movie of his “fun” times. You’re a human being with health and mental and emotional needs, and you can’t get those met when you’re with booze. So you break up with booze, so that you can have a relationship with yourself, as a real, fully-developed human. The important thing is your relationship with yourself. It’s not really about your boyfriend at all. You’ve been burying yourself and silencing yourself in booze for so long. You’re hiding. You need to fix your relationship with yourself.
Find a therapist.
There’s lots of online and in person options for recovery groups. There’s a list of options here, most of them do both in person and online:
You’ve said before that you’re not a huge fan of AA. That’s fine, there are like 20 other programs there. If you try every one and none of them are appealing, you might be letting your fantasies about alcohol (“oh it’s ok, it’s fine, I don’t really need to push myself here”) cloud your judgment. You’re gonna be uncomfortable in this process; accept that. Celebrate that, actually. You don’t get stronger without some changes and some pain.
Keep us posted! Take it one day at a time.
Just be honest with him. Maybe show him what you wrote here.
10-20 every time I drink. Usually 2-3 times a week. Don’t know how I’m still here either. But the good news is we are. And for a reason.
I really don’t think it’s about comparing how much strangers on the internet were drinking to alleviate your guilt over the harm you’re doing yourself. Suffice to say we all harmed ourselves and we all need to be sober.
I did, you do and you can too!
The question is: what are you prepared to do to get sober? What are the steps you see that you need to take?
All of them. Until I passed out.
The good news is I don’t do that anymore. I’m 6+ months sober today and I don’t plan to go back. For me it was realizing that one drink is just as bad as all the ones that follow. It’s the first one that will get you so steer clear of that first drink. Then you don’t have to worry about the number that follows.
Hang out here and read around if you get a craving. It helps me to know that I’m not alone in this. Welcome. 
The number doesn’t really matter. What matters more is the fact that I couldn’t stop after my first drink. I drank until I passed out, or ran out.
Welcome back. I’m glad you are here.
Not how much its how it affected you everyone is different