How do I break the pattern of self destruction and self hatred? I feel like a fraud in my professional life. I hate my body because I have gained so much weight and due to various ailments, injuries and surgeries I have not been able to start walking (which I really think would help my physical and mental health). I look at myself in the mirror and I am disgusted. I am at my highest weight ever and my clothes are starting to get too tight. So, in order not to feel the disgust and all of the shame that comes along with it, I drink or eat excessively. And then I feel the disgust, shame and guilt all over again. What can I do to break the cycle? I am desperate……
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Hey there… i struggle with this cycle also. You are not alone 
when i got clean, i got to my heaviest weight and then bcuz that depressed me, i would turn to food to cope which wouod always be eaten in excess. Which made me feel even worse afterwards. Its a vicious cycle.
I think what has helped me is to learn to be kind to myself. Learn to be my own best friend. I would never dare say the things i say to myself, to a friend. So why do i say them to myself? Its not an easy task to retrain our thinking. But i do believe that the more we practice self love and show ourselves kindness in our journeys, the easier overtime it becomes.
Exercise has been a very therapeutic thing for me to get out of that old way of thinking. I read that u have trouble walking? There are many chair based exercises that can be done or even doing some light lifting with resistance bands etc that may be another option for exercise. But again, i dont know your full situation and capabilities. So i apologize if im way off.
And then another thing that helped me to sort of feel like i have some control over my weight is planning meals/snacks. I started counting my calories to ensure that i didnt overeat. I would wake up and plan my meals for the day and just follow the plan. It helped me to make wiser choices and therefore eat healthier and feel better physically. By changing my diet i was able to lose a bit of weight even without exercise 
Hope this helps a bit. Im glad u came on and spoke about whats going on for u. Sending u strength and peace
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Adapt a Growth Mindset. Believe that your circumstances can change. Understand that small changes can have huge impacts over time, you can’t be everything you want to be today, but you can make smart decisions to get you there tomorrow and into the future. And like I tell my kids and friends, look up, not down; you’re so much better than you’re giving yourself credit for.
Every change begins with your mindset.
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I hear you. I have been there myself. The first step is to accept yourself as you are right now. Even if loving yourself or even liking yourself is impossible, accepting that you have worth as a person on this earth, even if you are struggling with drinking, even if you put on weight so your clothes don’t fit. Because everyone does have worth. Then make mental notes of the things you do that serve you valuing yourself. Self esteem comes from esteemable acts. That doesn’t mean saving the earth. Caring for your body by eating nutritious food, replying to an email early, doing some stretching, etc, are all worthy of noting. Keep noticing things little by little to gain self-esteem.
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Really great advice in general… Especially the small steps, makes it seem possible and easier to achieve
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This is going to sound goofy so here goes
Write it down
I deal with anger by design of where i grew up and the job i had
I was full of self hatred, but less anger i began writing
Doesn’t make sense at first, but it will
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