I am a 31 year old Texas girl.
What I want to know is how I ended up here. I mean, I guess I already “know”, I just didn’t think it could happen to me. I was such a happy kid/teen/young adult… then life kinda slapped me in the face.
To be up front, I have a ton of alcoholics in the family, most of which would never dare to admit it. I’ve been around it all my life, but younger me never really was interested in it. I didn’t even really start to socially drink until after I was of age. I had that one bad eye opening embarrassment of a night in college (after drinking shots out of anger) and that straightened me up to how out of control I could be, but only for a while. After I got married, my husband was shipped to Iraq and I was alone for a year. I’d go out, but always with friends who I knew had my back and kept me from doing stupid things, but one night with too much and a blackout episode, and a now ex-friend who I trusted too much, I nearly killed my marriage before it had even begun. To help salvage the wreckage, I went completely stone sober for over a year and a half. My marriage was rocky and distant and I’d developed PTSD for crowds and social situations, and with that came anxiety and depression. After an emotional battle of epic proportions and another devastating heartbreak, my husband and I managed to piece back together what once was shattered. It had been the roughest patch of my life, and I dealt with it mostly alone because I didn’t want people’s judgement or pity and unsolicitated advice. Once we were whole again, I finally decided to go to a Psych and got my diagnosis for Generalized Anxiety and Depression. I still have major issues going out into a group setting and I find social interactions that go farther than greetings hard to navigate without feeling immensely awkward and internally beating myself up about it. I’m utterly exhausted after “peopling”. So I often pregame to silence the demons. I draw up into myself a lot, but luckily my husband knows how to handle my moods. We’ve been together for over 15 years now and I’m so very thankful for him and still very much in love.
I have a stressful job which is made more stressful by my own overanalyzing. When I get home everyday, I don’t do anything but crack one open and sit on the couch all evening. At LEAST one day during the work week I drink til I see double. I’ve learned not to overdo it socially, just not at home where I’m safe. I’ve gained 40-50lbs. I’m not happy with myself. My face is continually broken out and scarred when I’ve never had a problem with acne before.
I know I need to stop, and I know I’ve done it before. I just don’t know how. How to quiet my racing mind after work without alcohol when I’m so tired already. How to keep from thinking about future vacations without thinking of the exotic drinks I’ll be able to have. How to not dread or avoid going and socializing with a group.
Sorry for the long windedness.