So my bf and i have been Together for a year and 7months he’s 12 yrs older than me and he’s been drinking since he was 9 he has currently been doing a lot of self harm since he’s been sober and he’s been very insecure we both have 2months sober and I’m trying to be as supportive as possible but he doesn’t want to go to AA he’s in therapy but doesn’t wanna go to a behavioral health hospital or detox. I live in a transitional house while he’s been living at home doing it cold turkey on his own but his depression is really getting the best of him. This week he did say he would try AA today was a great day since we had a visit yesterday and i gave him an ultimatum if he doesn’t get help i would leave him.
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I think you have to want to get sober. I feel you have to hate what you have become so much you have to want it. I don’t think you can force someone to want to be sober. This is just what I feel, I’m relatively new to this 76 days sober myself. But for me giving me ultimatums wouldn’t have helped me. I feel you have to hit your rock bottom and want to be sober so bad you do it. If he truly wants to do it for himself then you can help him. Again just my thoughts. A lot of people on here know more than me lol.
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By the way congratulations on being two months sober! That’s awesome!
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Thanks. Congratulations to you as well on 76 days! That’s what I’ve told him and myself as well he needs to want it and i can’t help him he he doesn’t help himself especially when I’m on my own journey
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Thank you! And exactly you are on a journey yourself I couldn’t imagine having to try to carry someone else. Honestly it takes all I have to stay strong in my own journey. I feel you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else.
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Yes most definitely, i agree.
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I don’t know if giving an ultimatum was the right thing to do. Have you considered going to Al-anon? I’m sure you would find the right answers there.
Congrats on 2 months!!
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I left my husband of over twenty years because I got clean and he never wanted to. I pretty much gave him an ultimatum as well. However it wasn’t to force him into recovery. It was to protect mine.
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There’s a whole group of people with meetings and literature for those of us who are affected by the drinking of a family member or loved one. Al-Anon can help you go through this, you don’t have to do it on your own.
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The best way is to work your own sobriety. Get better at getting better.
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Congratulations on your 2 months. It sounds like you are both doing your best and working on sobriety as best you know how. Sometimes paths can be different and sometimes not everyone can follow a straight line to sobriety. I hope you will continue to protect yourself and your sobriety. Being the best you possible is a way to lead by example. Wishing you both the best. 🫶🏼
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My partner went to rehab for 60 days. I stayed sober on my own. He relapsed the day he got out and every day for a week. I ended things because I’ve chosen a different path he’s not ready to walk yet. My health comes first. I’m no longer going to put his before mine. I’m now at 3 months 22 days. I’m happy with the decision and not looking back.
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That’s great congratulations yes I’m thinking that’s what he’s chosen even tho we talked about being sober together and getting our kids back and our great life together he wants to do it on his own but his insecurities and mental health is getting the best of him i came to this transitional home and he had the choice to come and didn’t and he blames me for his self harm my 2nd week here he sent me pictures of him cutting his wrist their was blood everywhere and he didn’t stop till he lost a lot of blood. I know he’s trying and he’s been doing amazing i just gave him the ultimatum to get the professional help he needs. Because I’m enjoying my sobriety i love it here my mind body and soul are in an amazing place i started talking to my babies one day at a time when their dad lets me but that’s what I’m hearing sometimes its best to take the journey alone.
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You do have to want it. Glad your here, keep coming back.
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Ask yourself what his purpose was in sending those photos to you. Did it help him or his recovery? Did it help you? Did it remind you that your choices have consequences that affect other people? I would say the answer to all three is a no. That was flat out manipulation. We addicts are stars at manipulating others. He was showing you pretty much look at what you made me do to myself. That could have sabotaged your recovery. You are at a point right now where you have to decide if you want to get clean, if you want to get your kids back.
YOU CAN NOT FIX HIM. Nor is it your job. How badly do you want your life back? If you aren’t at the point of making a decision yet you will be soon or else you will be back living in the pits of hell.
I hope you choose yourself.
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His actions sound very dangerous for your sobriety.
I would agree that the best thing you can do is get better for you and have him see how good sobriety is but if he is not ready to be in sobriety he will not and can potentially drag you down as well.
It’s true that ultimatums don’t work. Stay strong in your journey and I hope you choose yourself and your babies.
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maybe this quote is less about him and more about you. If you love him support him if you don’t love him leave. Many people in recovery feel they are out growing their relationship its par of the course as all the chemicals and emotions try and level themselves out, I wouldn’t make any hasty decisions quite yet that could hurt either of your recoveries.
If my other half left me when I was less stable my first thought would be ‘Good fuck off so I can do what I want’ 
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I hope you continue to keep your focus on yourself and your sobriety and getting healthy for your kids. We cannot save anyone but ourselves. 
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Ultimatums are usually a bad idea unless your truly prepared to end the relationship, if your not, it becomes an empty threat and one less tool you have, Also it’s like saying you can’t drink or else, it’s no longer his decision anymore. And if your relationship fails it’s like well I quit drinking for her, so why should I stay off the drink?
I’ll give you a story from my own life, 8 years ago, I was in his shoes kinda, my girlfriend at the time we lived together also struggled with addiction and mental health issues, I was drinking heavily still using cocaine, and recently got fired from a band for my drinking and drug use, it made me depressed and I drank more,
She left me a warm hearted hand written letter, it was this goofy thing we did with each other if our schedules prevented us from seeing each other for a few days, she left me this note to address my drinking how it hurt her, and how she doesn’t see me making it forward or how we would make it work with my addiction looming I listened I went cold Turkey, and it was hard yet it
Was important for me to save my relationship, next month we went on vacation, and we had a serious fight, and that led to my sobriety going on vacation, so my ultimatum didn’t work. I already decided that my sobriety was not going to be long term, it was gonna be a patch up till we got warm and fuzzy again and I was going back to my life we broke up a month later and it took another 6 years before I got sober
The reason why I tell you this, ultimatums don’t work they are band aids, the only thing that works is the active choice to find your own way to become sober with or without someone
I’m an addict and a alcoholic, if you were my girlfriend at a year and 7 months, which is hardly an long term investment, And you gave me an ultimatum, you would have gotten 2 responses from me
- Pack your shit I’m out
- I’m gonna do it, and play super sober until your even more attached that you don’t want to let go, and I’ll start doing what I want.
I’m telling you this from experience,
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Unfortunately you can’t really do much except focus on your own sobriety. The alcoholic HAS to want it for themselves. It never works if they do it for someone else. You can support him in his journey though. But you can only work on your own journey.
I agree that Al-anon is a great place to go. They will help you.
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