“Whoa! Slow down Quitter!! It is gonna be alright!!!” I hear you say! Fear not… all will be explained.
Ok so i got your attention with a distasteful topic title…buuuuuut… it makes sence when you read on…
I am talking about killing my old identity. How do i kill off my old self??
I mean, i still think of myself as the easy going guy whos down with the boys mans man beer drinking cool dude… and in sobriety… how can i be this same “dude” stone cold sober??
I feel like i am a different person conflicting with my mental image i have of myself. Like i am a drunk stuck in a sober mans body.
I feel like i need to somehow kill the person i once was… they are gone now… they need to stay gone. But now i have an identity crisis of not knowing who the heck i am anymore??
How do i rediscover myself? How do i kill off my old me. He needs to die. I know that much but psychologically i feel attached to him. I liked being that guy.
But now i feel like i am “a square” for lack of a better description… i know i know huey lewis says its hip to be square…
but look… i dont want to be a dry drunk…so i know i need to discover who i am? Does this make any sense to anyone? I hope it does.
Another way to describe how i feel is if you imagine a hells angel… hes been like that for 15 years… now he swaps his motorcycle for a segway… he’s not a hells angel anymore right? He’s just a nob on a segway… but he still feels like a hells angel… and probably still punches like one too.
I know exactly what your saying. After 42 days I’m still trying to figure it out but I do know I’m a better person sober…so I got that going for me. Lol
Took me 2 plus years of working on it and I’m still getting there. I literally got rid of everything I could about my old life, thought about the persona that I should be/should have been, and set that as my goal for change. I haven’t forgotten my journey that got me to this point in life and no, I haven’t met all of my goals, but I KNOW, FEEL and BELIEVE that I am a better person. I’m finding out some things I don’t like about myself, and I’m learning to handle and accept it, and I really do like what I’m rediscovering/becoming when I look in the mirror. I wish I had done this years ago…
I’m still very early (this time…)but honestly, this is similar to what has made me hesitate to fully commit in the past. I have always been a gregarious, fun, crazy, impulsive person. Drunk or sober. It was just that when I was drunk, I was in stereo. The impulsivity was just reckless, the gregariousness extended to complete strangers, etc. I have always been someone who loves to have fun and who loves to make other people laugh. I think I used alcohol as a crutch, or almost a bubble of comfort, and I began to realize that I never needed it. I’m not articulating well but I feel big, I live big, I love big. Everything was amplified on alcohol–the bad more than the good, I think. My challenge is more honoring and respecting who I am, unaltered, than closing the book on who I am (or, hopefully, was) in an altered state. I don’t even know if that makes sense but I feel like I’m sort of free from the expectation and pressure (which was solely internal–it never came from anyone but myself) to drink. Maybe, considering where I am, it’s kind of a honeymoon…but it feels good. Light. Promising. All the dumb shit I’ve done until now is done. There is a lot that I’ve wanted to forget, but now I don’t want to forget it…I just want to forgive myself and I’m excited to see what life will be like when I’m actually present.
Again, sorry–kinda rambly. Long day
Someone suggested this group to me after my son was in the hospital. I think it’s amazing. We relocated and there was so much happening that I never looked into it, but what a meaningful and worthwhile cause. Because the sad reality is that the courts often don’t care enough about child abuse (but that’s a different discussion).
Hang tight man, it will happen for you. I have just under 8 months, 236 days, and im changing all the time. And its for the better!
One time someone told me, i dont like this new courtney, i like the old courtney. And i used over that for a long time… Then i realized, you like the person that was high or drunk all the time, never knew how i was going to react, careless, procrastinator, not responsible, lieing, cheating, stealing, thief, hateful, hated myself, etc. I could go on and on, but see my point here? Think about those negative things that come along with that drunk guy because im sure not everytime was fun ya know. Im sure youve had consequences at some point and time. I know I’ve had my fair share!
What’s really helped me figuring out who i am, are the Steps! I go to meetings and work steps with my sponsor! Meetings help because i dont have all the answers and there i can ask. If i cant ask during the meeting, i pull someone that i know and trust after and ask them. Or i call someone in the program. Because they are working the same program that i am, so we see a lot of things similarly. I dont know if you go meetings but if not, do you have any sober friends? But the Steps are helping me figure out who i am and who i want to be. to
And honestly man, it takes time! You didn’t become the drunk guy all in one day, you’re not going to be able to figure out who you are all in one day! It takes time! Give yourself a break man, if your sober today, that’s awesome and a miracle. One day sober is another day won.
