How do you deal with people who say you can moderate instead of giving up?

Advice & Questions
1

I am a binge drinker, I realised some time ago that it’s all or nothing and it can’t be controlled. The UK culture heavily enables bingeing and it’s a standard part of the night life, you continue to get served even if you’re way above the limit and visibly drunk.
I have found that even though I am aware of the dangers before a night out, I still don’t limit my drinks because it’s been a while since a particularly disastrous night. My partner likes to drink and is a problem drinker himself even if he won’t admit it because “nothing too bad happens when he drinks”. He spends most of the night out at the bar and also buys my drinks so I end up with a lot despite few trips to the bar personally.
I have talked about going sober completely before and he didn’t want to give up it completely because he does want to be able to have a drink with me sometimes. The problem with allowing alcohol in any form like just drinking at home will mean it’s ok for me to drink out every now and then because I can “handle” it and I’ve not given it up completely.
It was another bad night for it this weekend and I want to talk about being sober again, he might agree with me completely but any advice for what to say if he says I can moderate it?

Side note: I did give up before for some months out of covid and did find all the benefits to being sober and preferred it. The reason I started again was because I like a problem drinker who felt uneasy when he got really drunk and I was stone cold sober. That ended and I gave it up again but did the same not that long later when I met my current partner. I still remember when he called me boring for not drinking. Bad reasons for picking it back up again I know but both times I thought “I can handle it”.

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2

You can say “No”
Complete sentence. You don’t have to explain yourself. And you shouldn’t have to repeat yourself.
If someone is pressuring you, get up and walk away.

You can do it!

If they “need” a drinking buddy, then they might also have a problem that they are not willing to accept yet. But that isn’t your responsibility. You only need to focus on your sobriety.
Sending you lots of support :people_hugging::heart:

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I deal with them by simply explaining, maybe you can drink like that but I can’t so it’s best if I just don’t.
Stay the course friend and be sane. Hugs

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Also, welcome to TS :sparkling_heart: we’re glad you’re here

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5

Thank you for your responses, I do hate that it is a question that also gets asked as to “why”, I have been on both ends of it though. I do like to avoid the question though as it almost feels shameful to admit to some people that why. I’ve not tried just telling people that I don’t have to explain myself, I will use that, I like it.

It does need to be done, I will try stay the course this time for good!

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I think saying “no” in itself is something I need to practice, it’s not something I’m very good at generally to be honest.

I did buy books before about getting sober and “The Life-Changing Magic of Not Giving a F**k”, maybe I should start with that book.

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Hey there :wave:
let me put it from the perspective of someone who is not here because of alcohol. I don’t drink. I don’t care for it. I don’t like it. If I am around people who drink and they offer me alcohol, I just say no, thank you. If they try to convince me, I still say no thank you, I don’t want to. If they ask why not, I tell them I don’t drink. If they keep asking, I tell them I don’t like it.
If they keep pestering me, I consider them to be bullies and set up some boundries. It’s nobodies business what I eat or drink. If I don’t want to eat cake or spinach that’s my choice.

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Welcome to TS! Your partner doesn’t need to be 100% on board for you to stop drinking. It would be great if they were, but for many of us (me included), it didn’t happen that way. It isn’t just a huge change and learning curve for you, it is also a huge change and learning curve for your partner. And seriously, that is okay. It can take time.

You can let him know it just doesn’t work like that for you. You cannot have just 1 or 2. You don’t like what drinking is making you feel in your head and body and you know any amount will lead to more. Tell them it is sucking your soul and you need to change that, you want to feel better about yourself. There are worse things in life than being boring. Like being a nasty drunk or dead or wishing you were or a million other things. Calling you names is not cool. I hope he doesn’t do that a lot. I can understand he misses his drinking buddy, but he is grown and can use his words to express that…I miss how we were , not you are boring. And you can tell him, I feel awful being like that. I cannot do that to me anymore. I need to change so I can live and be happy or however you feel.

This is a letting go for both of you…of how you were/what you did together, so yes, there may be grief and sadness and take some time to understand who you are now together if you aren’t drinking together. It may be uncomfortable for a while, a long while.

None of this need stop you from stopping drinking. It is 100% your choice and you are stronger than you know. We all support you here, so know you can always come here. And serious words now…I know it is a big deal, but you really can stay home from the pub. Your partner can go on their own. It doesn’t have to be forever, but it should be a long while til you feel comfortable going and not drinking…if you still want to go to the pub at all. It really is okay to stay home or leave if you need to. 100% okay.

Yes, things will change. Yes, you can stop drinking. Yes, your partner may not support you as you hope. And it is still okay. As time goes on and you get more comfortable, your partner may as well. But do know this is a challenge for them as well. So hopefully they give you some grace and you give a little back and you focus on you and your sobriety.

Maybe also give Annie Grace’s book, This Naked Mind, a read it can help you get clear on alcohol and your relationship with it.

Wishing you strength and sobriety. It is 100% worth fighting for. YOU are worth fighting for.

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I just say…Trust me…you dont want to see me try and moderate …it aint pretty!

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Amazing words.

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11

Welcome to TS! Glad you are here. The decision to quit drinking is simple. The hard part is staying that way. I live with alcohol in the house, my husband is a heavy drinker, and honestly, I had a rough time getting sober and not relapsing. Husband kept saying I just needed to moderate. Right. I thought I was defective somehow, like why was this such a problem? Why could I not drink like normal people? Until I changed my mindset.
Craig Beck, author of the book, Alcohol Lied to Me, likens the conundrum to people nibbling at the cheese in a mousetrap. Eventually everyone gets caught, some of us get caught sooner than others. Alcohol is such a ubiquitous, dangerous substance that society is in complete denial about. Just like it was with tobacco.
OK, now I’m on a rant here. Sorry! Really, you don’t need to feel less than. You don’t need to feel pressured by anyone else. Do what’s best for you!

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I wonder if it’s better to challenge people and say “do I need a reason?”, then they might reflect on why they drink.

Like I say, I’ve been on both sides of the question and in the past where I’ve been out most weekends and all my friends drink, one of the people we were out with didn’t drink and I was genuinely curious why because it’s so normalised, not drinking is almost not a thing…if you follow me.

I can go out and not drink, I like the music and dancing. I found I was actually more confident without it because there was no anxiety around taking it too far. I may have to stop going out with him though as I don’t like watching him take it too far and like you’ve said, if he wants to go out and get wasted then he can do that with his friends.

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There you go. Why would you have to have a reason for not drinking something that is a poison and known to destroy your body, your mind and to be addictive?
I totally get what you are saying about it being so normalised.

Obviously it might be a very good choice to limit your exposure to alcohol and related situations. One of my triggers for my overating disorder is sugar. I try to not frequent places full of cake and such and in the very first month I actually completely avoided any such occasion.

So maybe start with thinking about how you would like to spend your time else then with drinking? What would do you good? What kind of nice and fun things could you surround yourself with? Dream a little bit :blush:

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I would always tell people who asked , why cant you just moderate? That it wasnt a possibility for me that while they could i was encapable of controlling my drinking or using . I am of course a dual addict acholic anything that changes the way i feel i over do .

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I would second @SassyRocks book recommendation- it really helped me establish what I wanted my relationship with alcohol to look like in my mind, and why.

Alcohol is a poison that leads to addiction in most cases given enough time. We don’t think it does because its consumption is so normalised, but it might not be that way forever, knowing what we do now.

Once you believe, really believe, that alcohol is poison to your body, the questions will start to answer themselves.

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I liken it to someone asking why a diabetic can’t have sugar …. Because they are allergic to it, because their body doesn’t process it. Bottom line … because they can’t. Just like I can’t have alcohol in moderation or otherwise.

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Hi and welcome :wave: i was a binge drinker too excessive amounts of alcohol would pass my lips every weekend so I know where you are coming from. When I initially gave up people around me laughed and didn’t believe I was capable of doing it and to be honest I probably didnt either. People don’t want you to stop because they want you to never progress and move on and better yourself, they want you to stay the same person drinking yourself into oblivion every weekend because that makes them feel better about themselves. I had to distance myself from aquentencences who I only ever used to drink with, I thought we were pals but we only used each other to get drunk with. You need to cut people from your life who are negative and dont encourage you to better your life and yourself.

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I’m glad you’re here, sharing your story. I relate to a lot of it.

This is indeed something that needs to be practiced. I used to be a pushover, who always did what people asked, even when I didn’t want to. I’ve since learned how to set boundaries and use ‘no’ properly. Getting sober, however, I had to learn how to tell myself no. That is what truly takes practice and work everyday. It all becomes easier once you can :blush: Welcome aboard. All the best on your journey :heart:

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19

I usually go with the simple No.

If they keep asking or pushing it I just tell them that if I start I Can’t stop. And I don’t mean just for one night. It can be for days, weeks months or even years. So I won’t start.

After that it’s usually no more questions asked.

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When I told my ex I needed to quit he said ‘why don’t you just put a limit on how many you will have when you go out’. I knew that wouldn’t work. It was all or nothing for me. Stick to what you know is right. Might be easier to just say ‘I’m not drinking tonight’ a few times until you gain momentum. I am from the Uk too and know well the messed up drinking culture. People are more forgiving of ‘for tonight’ than ‘forever’ as ridiculous as it is. You do you. Wishing you well!

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