I don’t drink super often. I used to rarely buy alcohol, and even when I do, it’s only ever in a single serving (although my brain operates under a broad umbrella as far as a “single serving” goes). Alcohol used to be something I would do with friends, but now I’m alone a lot, so I drink alone. My family also drinks, and I oftdn have a cider when I’m with them, but they generally don’t let me overdo it.
Last night I mixed rum and vodka and drank it. I didn’t drink all of everything I bought, but I drank enough. Blacked out at least once, maybe twice. This isn’t terribly unusual when I feel like binging.
But last night was the first time my brain went “I’m in danger.”
I wasn’t hospitalized. I don’t even feel particularly hung over this morning. But drinking has always been like a game to me, something where I see how far I can go, how zonked I can get. I’ve never felt like I might drink a potentially lethal amount until now.
This isn’t even just an alcohol thing. I’m the kind of guy who could empty out a family sized bag of chips in an evening if he wanted to. I drink a disconcerting amount of water at restaurants. I can spend all day watching videos, or spend days wrapped up in hyperfixations. And then there are other things I do which I’d rather not share here, but they follow the pattern of a touch-starved shut-in who likes messing with his mind every so often.
I want to believe I’ll really quit this time. I can put off the urge on weekdays. But come Friday or Saturday I end up with too much time on my hands, and a brain that is allergic to quiet. It’s either blot my brain out or spend however long wrapped up in (an often unhealthy) hyperfixation.
But I need to remember not to drink anymore. Because I could be fine, or I could be dead. The middle ground is getting smaller every day.
Welcome @guyincognito . It’s tough to be open and vulnerable about what you’ve been doing. Difficult to figure out why. Good news is you are not alone. I hope you can avail yourself of the support here as well as in real life, wish you well on your journey!
I already know I’m some kind of neurodivergent. The problem is that I’ve been underdiagnosed my whole life, and almost no medical professional I’ve contacted has been willing or able to help me. I even saw a psychiatrist remotely about getting ADHD meds, only to get caught in what amounted in medication limbo until I gave up. My therapist is aware of everything, and is trying to find me someone who can help.
That’s great you’re aware of it. It’s really tough growing up with it but you also understand the incredible power your brain has! I like to think of us as very strong willed people.
I get really interested in something, and I go all in in it until I’ve worn it out, and I move onto the next thing.
I reckon it’s the same with alcohol. I’ve gone all in, my entire adult life, as hard as I can. Black out drunk every weekend. Eventually having secret shots of whiskey before having ‘just a 6 pack of beer’ that the wife sees.
I pretty much said the same as you. If I kept drinking, I would die. It really is that simple. Whether that was going to be alcohol poisoning, throwing up and choking in my sleep, organ failure, doing something wreckless or just killing myself because. I knew I was going to die. This was less that 50 days ago by the way.
Alcohol gave me two personalities. I was either a wreckless, bulletproof asshole, or a depressed, lonely cheater. I’d likely encounter both of these each night I drank. Waking up the next morning telling myself I need to stop drinking.
What did I actually like about alcohol? It was that first drink, that happy, tipsy feeling I got that last about 20 minutes… then faded away. So I had more to chase that feeling, then i would be blacked out in 3 hours.
It was originally just once every couple weeks I’d drink, but then it became every weekend, then every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, then eventually 2-3 days during the week as well. I was then celebrating when I went 2 days in a row without drinking. I guess I’m just letting you know that while you might not drink super often, you might be doing so in a couple years… or even months.
There’s a heap of people who suffer from binge drinking addiction, I’d definitely recommend sticking around on this forum and checking out the different posts. I used the daily check in to hold myself accountable. Reading other people’s stories and opening up has helped me a lot.
The definition of addiction is: : a strong inclination to do, use, or indulge in something repeatedly.
Those of us with addictive personalities can cross over to other addictions because of our susceptibility. It is not a one-size fits all concept. There are some components that you mention that touch upon moderation. One who can moderate is probably not addicted. It’s better to abstain altogether. If you’ve been hospitalized due to alcohol over consumption, it would be smart to stay away from it and focus on your therapist finding you that help. I would suggest to start reading some literature on addiction and maybe jumping in an online meeting to see what it’s about. Start arming yourself now with tools for some long-term healthy habits. Sending you strength and insight!