When I do routine tasks, I feel more structured. I have gone to both online and in person meetings and have not had great experiences. Once I started my current job and wasn’t able to make it to my home meetings anymore, the “friends” I made there stopped talking to me. So I was like fuck em- I’ll try something else.
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I really like it. The only thing is it’s a lot of dense info and I have to re read a lot so I can understand and retain as much as possible. I also need to get a notebook so I can make bulleted notes.
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She repeats the same things over and over in different ways so try to just listen the first way through and then if you need to, so a second listen and write it down.
I sometimes look back at all my years of partying in excess and ponder why didn’t I stop sooner. It’s not like alcohol ever did anything good for me…It’s obvious I was only thinking of myself with no consideration of how my overuse of alcohol was harming myself and causing collateral damage to those around me. It’s a very selfish way to act…
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Same- with the dangerous decisions. It’s a miracle I’m still here and not dead or in prison.
I started journaling again and have given myself a checklist of things to do every day.
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I agree. But alcohol is “baffling and cunning”. It’ll have us talking ourselves into throwing logic out the window.
Just over two years ago, I lost a dear friend to cancer. She was in her forties and left behind a husband and two kids under eight. I went to see her in her final days, when she was in and out of sleep a lot. But she was awake that time, and as I was helping her get comfortable she asked me “Why is this happening to me?” I’m sure she felt all the unfairness of it, dying of something she had not in any way caused to herself, suffering through no fault of her own, leaving her children motherless. It was heartbreaking, and even though the weeks after her death were a time of relapse for me after a whole year’s sobriety, I thought of her question so much that it became one of the catalysts for starting my sober journey again that summer, and sticking with it for over 600 days by now. When my time comes, I don’t want the answer to that question to be “I brought this on myself, these are the consequences of my own choices”. I have a child as well, and I want to be there for him, as healthy as possible, for however long I’m given. This is, for me, a very powerful “why”.
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How you going egg?
Oh hey there. Thanks for checking! My grandmother died recently and then my elderly Great Pyrenees died the day I got home from my Grammy’s funeral service. I went on a two week bender. But I had to snap out of it and had what I think was a spiritual intervention. I’m 16 days sober now. I feel more grounded now. I’m regaining peace. I’m growing with my higher power and got back into meetings.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your loss 
I’m interested about your spiritual intervention, I’m glad it worked and you’re 16 days sober 
grounded and peaceful sounds really nice 
Why what? Why do I keep going back? Well, that’s simple. Because I’m an alcoholic 
. I’m addicted to the buzz, the burn, and the fuzzies. And it will take me the rest of my life to maintain. But I don’t think of it as “the rest of my life” very often. That can get overwhelming. I think of just maintaining for the day. Just today.
I’ve heard some people think, “I’ll wait and drink tomorrow but today I’ll stay sober,” and they literally do that every day for decades. Just not today. Tomorrow maybe. But just not today.
Commit yourself to it. Like having a savings account. You have to commit to it otherwise it’s pointless. And once you have a few weeks your body & brain will start to heal. You’ll feel better, you’ll begin to think more clearly, things will make more sense, and you’ll start to see things a little differently. And then with any luck that will become your new fascination.
Living a sober life is way more awesome than what pop-culture makes it out to be. Being completely in control of yourself and aware of every moment 100% of the time is a massive advantage when you’re trying to get ahead in life.
I stopped asking myself “why” a long time ago. By grace I am granted the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. It really doesn’t matter why; it just is and I can’t really do much about it. What I can do is control myself and how I act and how I react to things. But that’s about it.
Good luck to you. 
Welcome back, Desiree!
So sorry for your losses. Losing 2 family members at the same time is incredibly heart breaking and difficult. 
Glad you made it back before going too far down the rabbit hole.
Congrats on 16 days! Sounds like you’re getting your footing again. AA meetings are extremely helpful for me especially during difficult times. I always hear from someone that has been thru what I’m experiencing and it gives me hope that I can get thru it too.
If you haven’t already done so, I suggest downloading the “Everything AA” app. It’s free. There’s a booklet called living sober on that app (or you can buy a hard copy online) that I found useful in the early days. That app also has a ton of literature.
Wishing you the best on your journey and hope to hear from you often.
Gosh, it’s such a long story. My dog was the main source of it. Over the years, I’ve had several demonic dreams of evil entities trying to get ahold of me and drag me into the darkness. And when they’d almost get me, my dog, Eli, would come out of nowhere, walk up to me with his sweet little face with a slight soft heavenly glow and he’d lead me away from the evil and towards the light. My best friend called him an angel baby. That sweet boy saved me in my dreams and in this real world. That friend and I would joke and make voices of what we thought Eli’s voice would be like if he were human. The last day of my bender, I was driving the back country roads bc I was trying to stay away from home. Too many memories of him were triggering and I’d just drink and drink. On this drive, I was trying to figure out where to go next and out of nowhere I heard that Eli voice and he said, “Come home to me, mama.” I literally choked on my breath and sobbed with a smile. I went home and cried. I stared at the spot in the floor where he’d sleep and just smiled. I thought to myself, “I have way too many dear memories of that angel to be trying to drown em with booze. I need to feel these and remember the 11.5 years of joy and sanctuary he provided for me.” So, I dumped out the rest of my alcohol and said enough is enough. It’s time to grow.
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Hello and thank you. I keep forgetting to come back to this community because I just get so busy and lose track of time. We knew my Grammy was going to die. She had been declining for quite a while. It was still sad but the weight of my baby boy completely rocked my world. But I’ll be ok in time.
The AA meetings are ok but it’s the few people in there I just missed. The few people who have messaged me while I was really going through it. That, and I just wanted something to do because my boyfriend was getting on my nerves 
I had fun though. There was a potluck as well so I went at the right time.
I have to try and remember to come back here more often.
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I’ll check out those sources you suggested. I ordered a sobriety journal a few weeks ago and it has been super helpful but it won’t hurt to get more! Thank you.
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As a chronic relapser, I asked myself, why? probably a thousand times. Looking back, I now see those relapses as signs that God wanted to uncover deeper rooted problems within me that were subconsciously working against me;
undermining and sabotaging my conscious efforts to quit.
These deeper rooted problems were…
Lack of good connection - men in my life that know me and are actively supporting my personal and spiritual growth.
Poor boundaries - particularly with having custody of my eyes and mind.
Faulty paradigm - having an unrealistic view of women and relationships.
Toxic shame - this subconsciously belief that I’m a piece of worthless garbage
Brainwashing - the idea that my addiction has value when it actually has none. (As written by Annie Grace and Allen Carr)
Broken relationship with God - a need to let go of my plan to align my life according to God’s plan for me.
These are big problems, far bigger than the symptom of acting out. It’s unwise for me to ignore them.
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Oh wow that sent shivers down me and made me tear up!! If that’s not a sign then I don’t know what is.
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That’s so powerful and thank you for sharing. It’s also really awesome that you have such a profound level of self awareness and have acknowledged the weak spots where you need to grow.
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