I have a dilemma here; I’m new to recovery, I just entered a 12-step group, and I was advised to get a sponsor; I asked one guy, and he agreed; we talked about 4 weeks ago, and we decided to do it. But after having that conversation, everything felt distant; we agreed that I would call him every Monday, but for the last two Mondays, he was unable to talk to me, and I couldn’t check in with him. We don’t text during the week. We don’t talk during the week, I think I’m supposed to reach him out, which I did, but I don’t see any follow-up from him towards me. I asked other guys in my group how their relationship with the sponsors is, and they text each other. They talk to them at least two to three times a week, they follow - up on them, and with time, they have developed a friendship. But I don’t know what to expect from a sponsor. I don’t know if I’m expecting too much, but I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining because I’m new, and I don’t know what to expect.
Any advice will be valuable.
I don’t want to change sponsors unless I have to but I feel like I have to. Or maybe just give it time and see what develops, because I really want to have a sponsor and be able to talk to him.
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Every sponsor is different but I would say it’s one thing to be challenged to improve oneself by changing one’s habits (which is uncomfortable but helpful), and it’s another thing to be neglected when one is following the agreed schedule (which is uncomfortable and unhelpful). Both produce discomfort but only one is helpful.
Personally I have a fixed weekly 30-minute call with my sponsor every Tuesday morning at 7 am. We start promptly at 7 and finish promptly at 7:30. He always picks up for the Tuesday calls. He also requires me to call him every day, no exceptions, and leave him a voicemail with my responses to five checkin questions. This system is working for me because it is simple and repetitive, just like practicing the piano. With practice, my skills improve.
This AA pamphlet about sponsorship offers some guidance:
Good advice, I’ll think about it, maybe I should change sponsors. He told me he was going to see me tonight at the meeting, ( we have some fellowship and food before we break up in groups) and I didn’t see him at first, and didn’t approach to me when I saw him walking around, after the meeting I came home kinda depressed, so just praying it was an off night and it might get better and the communication gets better, but at this point I don’t want call him later on next week.
Oh this does sound frustrating. And I understand your feelings completely. Maybe just be open and tell him exactly this? And that you feel neglected since you called him at the agreed times?
I have a sponsor that I can always call but I have to call her at least once a day. She is not strict with times but I usually call her between 4 and 7pm and if she doesn’t answer I leave her a voice message and she always gets back to me. We meet virtually or personally to talk about the readings and step work and she always makes time for me. That’s how I imagine a sponsor. When I relapsed a month ago she didn’t stop calling me in the morning and I was so ashamed to pick up the phone… (Still feel ashamed about it)… All the best for you and you can always look for a different one if your are not happy with that one!
Wao I wish mine was like that for real
Kinda mad now, I will wait for frustration to lower down, and I think about how I am going to bring this up to him or just maybe get another sponsor; I hate confrontation, so I’m in a double bind now.
I didn’t want to make you more frustrated or angry just wanted to tell you how my sponsor is. I understand that thing about confrontation. You could also just ask him how he imagines the relationship between you and him? And how you should act towards him. Like this you don’t let your anger out on him but he needs to answer your questions and need to react. Good luck 
It took me a long time to find a sponsor I felt comfortable being completely honest with. That’s not to say that my last sponsor; (who I completed the steps with) was perfect or anything, but they served their purpose, which was to help me feel comfortable sponsoring someone else, and keeping the cycle going. Anything that keeps you from drinking or using today, is a success. Being sponsored and sponsoring is more insurance against a relapse, granted it’s all under the right pretense. So for me the relationship was strictly transactional. What I gained from my sponsor was priceless, so I learned to put my feelings aside.
You’re right, thanks for the advice 
No problem, thx for sharing.
This is good, I haven’t read this one before. Thank you!!
For me, I chose my sponsor because I wanted what she had. I was 2 years sober so I didn’t need the daily check-in calls she typically required. But she did require that I text her and check in a few times a week and I also attended 3 meetings a week with her. I was also expected to call anytime something came up. She connected me with some other alcoholics too so if she wasnt available, I had other resources. Some weeks my only “homework” was to get out of my comfort zone and call other women in the program.
At the end of the day, if our sponsorship isn’t working, we would discuss the problem and we would determine if we can change things or if I needed a new sponsor. We’ve had a few of those conversations over the years, and we’ve always been able to work it out. Our sponsors are human too, just like we are. And being honest about where we are at is part of the program we work on together.
It sounds like it may be time to have an honest conversation and see if things can change. It’s a commitment on both ends and having clear expectations for me was always super helpful. My sponsor doesn’t reach out to me often, I reach out to her most often-but she reaches back out with the hand of AA so we can work together.
Good luck, I hope you are able to find what you need! Ask your HP for guidance, it will come. 
I think a relationship between a sponsor and a sponsee should be:
- aimed at achieving mutual improvement
- based on respect, truth and honesty
- mindful of the fact that time invested is voluntary
Then again, I have never had/been a sponsor so what do I know? 
The job/ relationship of the sponsor is mainly to take you through the 12 steps and help you with your recovery if you’re willing to help yourself. They should be making suggestions about regular meeting attendance, calling other people In recovery, Joining a home group, committing to step work they assign or homework/ reading literature. Stuff like that. You want somebody who Is able to call you on your BS from time to time and be honest and real with you. you want a sponsor Who has what you want and it’s not really about material things or success like that it’s mostly about how they carry themselves and live their lives outside of the meetings. Do they have peace? Do they really have recovery? Sometimes sponsors are busy with their own life but if they’re willing to take you on and help you with the steps and suggestions they should be able to commit to some time with you/ phone calls. The sponsor and Sponsee relationship sometimes turns into a good friendship because of mutual understanding and having the same goals and after time getting to really know each other. Don’t be afraid to ask somebody else to sponsor you who has more available time and able to help you. After all this is your life. And if your current sponsor gets offended because you choose somebody else then they’re definitely not the right person to sponsor you in the first place. When I finally got serious about going through the steps I asked a guy to sponsor me who is actively involved in AA. When I saw him share at meetings and take commitments and help other newcomers I knew that he was somebody that could help me. And he doesn’t mess around. I’ve taken his suggestions and I do what he asks. Hope this helps. This is just my experience I definitely don’t have all the answers. Regardless I think it’s really Good that you’re part of a 12 step program and taking this approach.
Thank you for your input. I’ve decided that it’s best to choose someone else, as I don’t believe he has the time for this. I’ll take the necessary time to learn more about the other candidate. I appreciate your advice.
I won’t call myself a sponsor. But being active in a ministry for Christians struggling with porn addiction, I actively mentor a handful of men throughout the week. I applaud your desire to actively seek growth. Most wouldn’t take finding a sponsor so seriously. Anyways, let me PM you. I’d be happy to add you to my list of people to connect with throughout the week.