Today is day 19 clean and sober. I got into a heated argument about something and spiraled out. I couldn’t calm down from an anxiety attack and had to call someone to come get my son so he wouldn’t be exposed to me in this state. I feel like a failure as a parent, I feel like a pathetic child. Why is it so hard for me to ask for help? How does one overcome this hurdle and begin to be okay with not being okay? It feels like a balancing act, I’m either all good or all bad. I feel discouraged as I’ve put so much “work” in over the years but I was still using during this time. Now that I’m clean I realize I was just kicking around rubble and wasn’t actually doing the heavy lifting. I’m embarrassed because I still have so much growing up to do when it comes to emotional maturity— all of this exposed when I quit using. It’s almost like I functioned “better” on drugs. I didn’t, as all of this was just sitting right underneath. Feeling lost and sad and not okay and not okay with any of it.
I can relate to all of that.
I still have my temper tantrums. I’m also still learning to just be ok with not being ok. People say it gets better with time, odaat. Idk. What I do know is, I’m percent a better dad not drunk all the time. I’d rather my kids see me lose my temper, get mad and calm myself down without alcohol, rather than drown it all with booze, and drink my feelings.
Allow yourself to be upset. Feelings are ok. Its ok for things to be messy sometimes. Fitting into that box you call emotional maturity may take a while. It feels like it to me most times
Thank you for that. I have found a lot of solace in other parents because for me it’s the most humbling bring-me-to-my-knees part of addiction, how it effects my child and trying to navigate through that. Ugh, I just thought I was so much further than I am and it’s a tough reality check but at least I’m preparing myself to be more capable of actually addressing these things and doing the work. I do have to keep reminding myself it’s one day at a time.
Absolutely. We only want the best for our kids, provide a better upbringing than we recieved, more love, all that. At the same time we have to give ourselves the room to be imperfectly human.
I know I’m too hard on myself, I just don’t know how to stop that. One day at a time… I like your idea to write 3 things down and work on those for a while/ take baby steps. Thank you
Right. I have struggled to give myself the space to be human definitely. Trying to learn how to tackle my perfectionism has been exhausting quite frankly, but I think it ties in with surrendering. I’m doing my best so that way the pursuit of perfection and the shame that comes with it doesn’t eat me the hell up.
I hear what ur saying. My emotions used to often be like circus rides, roller coasters with the highs and lows, or merry go rounds that i desperately wanted to get off of lol i honestly think what u did today with ur child, shows alot of self awareness. U took control of the situation and knew that u needed some time and space. There were many times in early, early recovery where i had to remove myself for a few min from my boy just to take a breather. Step into the bathroom or a diff room to calm myself juat a sec bcuz my emotions were sooo all over the place. I found for myself anyway, that my emotions have regulated alot and not only that but i have better coping skills, better awareness, and i know what i can do to regulate my emotions when it gets too much. I think overtime this just happens if we put in the work. U are not a failure as a parent. In fact, quite the opposite. Ur emotions wont be like this forever. Its also important to remember that emotions are neither good nor bad. They may feel uncomfortable but they are usually signs that our body gives us, that are signalling that something is or isnt okay. If i feel stressed or angry or sad, my body is literally telling me something. I often tried to just sit with the emotion and sort of examine where it is coming from. What led up to me feeling this way? Another good recovery thing is HALT. Being either hungry, angry, lonely, or tired can trigger us to have intense emotion. Once we realize that, that is what is triggering us, we can then take care of it, which in turn, reduces our intense emotions