I have a dilemma. My daughter turned 10. Last week she saw me drunk again as she had many times before. I’m scared that she’s gonna tell somebodyike like my ex (her dad) or my parents or someone ar school. I don’t want to lose her and I feel ashamed. I just need advice what to do. Let it go or talk to her. I want to discuss my addiction with her when she’s much older, but not now. She says about these days that I’m ‘sick’ or ‘different’. I say “You know sometimes I’ ve got worse days when I don’t feel good. But please don’t tell anyone.” I need advice how to handle that matter gently and stop being scared all the time, because it doesn’t help me recover. Whenever she visits my ex I’m scared that they talk about me, have secrets, etc. It’s really devastating my peace of mind.
Hello 
Are you ready to quit drinking?
I’m also an alcoholic and a mother of a 10 and 7 year old. I can tell you now (and I’m sure you know already) that she’s very well aware of what’s happening when you appear “sick” or “different”.
I never share this because I’m super ashamed… But I told my son I quit drinking a long time before I did and he kept catching me. It was super bad. In fact he ended up moving in with his dad and I almost lost him. Please don’t do what I did Because it causes serious damage to the relationship with our kids. Please consider the solution to be getting sober rather than the focus of your shame in trying to keep secrets from people who you don’t want to know about it . I wish it didn’t take me two years to completely make up my mind. You can still build a good relationship with your 10-year-old girl.
I have more than two years sober now and I have the best life I’ve ever had. Once you get through the new lifestyle change I truly believe that you will love being sober to – everybody I know Sober says that.
Hey @Angie456.
I hope you are ok. I am posting this with a sense of trepidation. I realy dont want to offend but i wonder if you are so frightened of exposure, your judgement is skewed toward self preservation, when you could be using that fear to focus on recovery. Sorry, this sounds so rude.
Here are my thoughts;
Our kids are indoubtadly affected by us when we are erratic. That doesnt mean they can understand why we are so stupid given they are so young. My boy only opend up when i stopped being ‘different’ and was consistently calm (not hammerd). He spontaneously said how much better I am to be with which made me cry and realise how much he had held inside. We cant expect our young kids to cover up for us or understand. Instead, i truly belive the only thing we can do is stop drinking and/or what ever else because when we do drink, our behaviour is unsettling and worse. The solution is with you.
I hope this helps.
You mentioned that you worry your daughter and your ex have secrets. Yet you’re asking her to keep a secret from him. I don’t think you can have it both ways. Asking your child to keep a secret from her own parent is a heavy burden. If secrets are okay to keep from dad, then they will be okay to keep from you too. If you ever hope to have an open, honest relationship with your daughter, this is not the way to do it. When I was a kid, my mother asked me to keep secrets from my father and still does to this day! It always felt wrong, and now, it just feels weird. Incidentally, I have a hard time sharing my own secrets with either of them.
This disease thrives on secrecy. Only when you are honest with others will you get honest with yourself. Have you tried an AA meeting? If you want the secrets to end, and if you want to have peace of mind that you aren’t going to lose your kid, or lose her trust in you, then you need to get sober. What are you willing to do to make that happen because it seems that what you’re currently doing isn’t working. Good luck.
I’m a mom, and I had a similar experience with my son. He’s 14 now, but he talks about how he was feeling when he was younger. It rips my heart to shreds to hear it, but I encourage him to talk with me about it. We have an excellent relationship, and the communication has made it even better. I can’t give him back all that time of his that I wasted being a selfish idiot, but I plan to spend the rest of my life being present and open with him. I think you really can’t go wrong with honesty. Kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. This is just my experience and opinion…I hope everything goes well for you guys. You can do this!
Thank you all for your replies. They are really helpful. I really hope this time will be different.
Children need an explanation from dear ones. Otherwise they figure out not correctly and fantasy works. I have many wounds because of that. Think of you as a child. What do you prefer secrets or good explanations? Plus is a good reason to quit alcohol: your lovely daughter
Listen now, you are “sick” with alcoholism and “different” when youre drunk. For a child it is frightening when youre different, because youre really not there for her. And she has to cover up for you with a secret size of an elephant. She is old enough to talk. Tell her that youre sick, youre sorry and it is NOT her fault. When you quit drinking and start to recover you dont have to worry anymore about being discovered. Then you have the chance to heal yourself and to comfort her for her worries. Children are smart and your child loves you 
its worth fighting for
Kids see and intuit a lot. Much more than we give them credit for.
My kids were taken by DCS and placed in foster care for 8 months or so while we followed the court ordered guidelines and completed the tasks they set before us. Sobriety is something I talk about with my kids a lot. My oldest is 11 and youngest is 6, and they all know who I am when I am sober and who I can be when I’m a drunk.
I’d suggest talking to your kid, but don’t put any of the “struggle” on them. They don’t need to be put in any scenario where they feel responsible for your sobriety, that’s just breeding grounds for codependency. My kids know how alcohol negatively affected my life, they know I’m sober now.
Every aspect of life gets better in sobriety, every single one.
My daughter at 10 was not aware that I had a drinking problem (because she was 10 and they don’t understand that concept) but she instinctively knew that mommy always drank wine and she didn’t like it. She asked me not to drink wine.
I share that because your 10 year old is well aware that there is something wrong. You can have an honest conversation with her and it’s quite posithat you SHOULD as well.
However here comes the harsh reality . What you absolutely cannot do is ask her to lie or keep secrets. If you really don’t want your ex or others to know then that is on you to then stop drinking. If you don’t stop drinking then others finding out is a very reasonable consequence.
I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart if that hurts. I say it with love from one mom to another. 
I’m going to a meeting in an hour. My daughter is now with her father. I try not to think what they are doing now. I’m going to stick to my AA meetings and if I ever get drunk again I will tell her about my addiction, no matter what. Thank you guys for telling me this. Secrets, lies, fear, half-truth, that’s all I’ve been in since divorce (4 years ago). I think that the Truth will relieve me and keeping abstinence will be much easier, because I won’t have so many bad emotions inside me.
Many of us - me too - have been there. For me it seems you are ready for the big change. It wont be easy, but the gratest gift you can give your child is your sobriety 
If they’ve seen you drunk and they know your different when your sober, I think they’ll understand the truth. It doesnt have to be horror show truth but be honest enough that they’ll appreciate you explaining to them in your words. If gour honest you wont need secrets, the same if you achieve sobriety. My boys are 12 and 9. Even a few drinks and they could tell something was different. Im now at 216 days, our relationship is solid and as far as others are concerned, I’m not ashamed to say I quit, straight up. You may be surprised how many will think your brave for confronting the issue with integrity. Good luck be well. Win the struggle.