Now that I’m sober I’m feeling happier than ever. I love my wife and we have been together for a decade. We have two beutiful children together from our relationship. She has seen me in all my drunken glory and is still by my side, making her a much bigger person then me. I understand she has a lot to be indignant about but I think that eventually I should be treated as a sober person, but it’s not happening. She keeps throwing things in my face that I did when I was DRUNK. I told her that I understand the animosity, but that forgiving is NOT forgetting. I would never ask her to deny reality but to give me a chance to redeem myself as a sober husband. I told her that her “tough love” is counterproductive and has almost driven me to the liquor store. I’m looking for personal experience on the subject. Thanks!
@Beozzy9 it is almost like I could have wrote that. Yeah, 2 kids, wife stuck it out, etc. I think there is a lot of emotional wear and tear a good wife has on them after putting up with a drunk husband the way ours did. I also think they want to push buttons at times to know in their heart of hearts we are actually done drinking, like done done and sober for good. I dont know about you, but i told my wife i would change 5 times a week for the better part of two years and wasnt able to do anything substantial for more than a day or two in a row. My experience is be patient, she has to learn it is real, and allow her to hold onto resentment and anger as long as she wants, she earned it.
Hey there @Beozzy9 I’m dealing with this too. Hubby and I got into an argument last weekend, and suddenly we were transported to the past, and all my drunken wrongdoings were laid out in front of me. I was like, wait a minute, we’re arguing about _____, and not ____, ____ and ____.
It’s like I can’t win, and it’s easy for me to just feel helpless and say F it. Let’s get divorced so I can start over with someone else who won’t hang the 10 years that we’ve been together over my head for the rest of my life.
I’m hoping this gets better with time. He’s supportive of my sobriety and working the program thus far, but I’m starting to feel like, we’re just not going to talk about anything now, because how I’m feeling in that moment about something else will never be heard. It’s only about what I’ve done. Bla, sorry for ranting, this really isn’t a post full of sage advice. You’re not alone though.
I think it’s natural for partners to react with a change in the one they love. Hearing all the bad parts is not productive but they are your past and they are what has directed you to a sober life so they must be treasured aswell. Yes horrible things were said and yes when drunk we all were arseholes to the ones we loved but if they stick with us through the worse times then they are worth keeping for the good times. Show them you are a changing evolving person on the right path and things can only improve. Also remember they are fighting their own demons xxx
Thanks everybody for the replies. I think I got what I expected to get but didn’t want to. I guess in my enthusiasm about my sobriety it’s easy to forget the years she put up with my crap. Well it’s really easy for me because I was habitually blacked out. I guess i should count my blessings that I have such a strong woman beside me. If it’s still going on after a year then I may have to consider my options because if I’m never able to atone then all hope is gone. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that. It gives me courage to hear so many others going through the same predicament. Thank you all.
Create happy memories to outweigh the bad!! Start a fresh.
It does suck when they remind you but that can only go on for so long as long as you don’t add anymore drunken times for her to keep reminding you of you will soon replace the bad. Good luck good things are worth fighting for x
How long has it been? And how long was she living with your drinking problem? I ask because I think it makes a diffrence.
She probably needs time to heel and before that can happen she needs time to rebuild trust. Not just in you, but in her own ability not to fall back into that life. Partners often blame themselves a lot too. They lose confidence in their own judgement.
My BF and I both have this issue with each other for different addictions. They say takes half the time you were with someone to get over them. So if that’s correct, it’s fair to assume it will take half the time she felt with your drinking to get over that version of you and be open to accepting the new you.
Obviously this is too ridged to fit any 2 couples the same but it does help to put things into perspective when we feel like we’re being treated unfairly. We cause slot of pain. Now we have to deal with the conciquences of that like adults.
I have the opposite issue. Now that I’m sober I’m very resentful of all the crap my husband has put us through…whereas I was previously hiding from it all inside a bottle of wine.
Mine can’t (or won’t ) even try to forgive me and we are separating 
hope things improve for you!
We always drank together since the day we met, which was 2006. Neither one of us took it too far and always had a great time. We never drank unless we were together. This was a self imposed sanction because we felt drinking apart was asking for trouble. It all changed when she was pregnant with my son (2012). I started drinking very heavy but I did quit smoking. She stopped drinking from pregnancy until she was done breast feeding. In all I drank about 750ml of vodka almost everyday for about 4 years. Sometimes more and sometimes a day or two off.
How long have you been sober?
I’m married and put my wife and family through a lot, after multiple addictions. They have been supportive, but the strain is always there. I do believe that time will make it better, but another way to help is by repairing some of what was damaged. There’s no way to undo the past, but if I can find a decent job again, and show stability, that can help. Or try to patch things up with my son and build trust. Just saying that rebuilding can help.
Wow this is me too but the wife being the drunk/ drug user. My husband is amazing we have three kids together I started bartending at 18 and drinking as been my life since …( only breaks were when pregnant with my kids)I am 31 now today will b 27 days sober . I have done in 13 years everything and I mean everything under the sun to this man of mine . He has his moments of anger sadness I feel I deserve them . I honestly can’t believe we r still here together in this world , love is unconditional truly if u love that person I believe this u will stay together if the love is there. I appreciate the comments above definitely not alone , relationships , love, life it’s work. Some days I wanna give up on them all but then I see my kids I could never intentionally hurt them. So here I am. Just keep loving everyone and not only that but SHOW it everyday numerous times to all.
In a similar situation here. My husband is SO upset with me and rails at me for my past behavior anytime we talk about anything besides the weather.
3 weeks sober and I’m learning that unfortunately only TIME can heal this wound.
All you can do is wake up everyday and try your best to build a new future, until IT becomes the past and your wife feels the negative pattern has changed.