So I’ve been sober for 7,5 months, but I still like going to the bar. Just to socialize and write songs. I’m not even in the slightest struggling with temptations when I’m there. I’ve done enough introspection to not ever want to drink again.
What IS a problem is trying to “defend” my sobriety. People get nosy about it, and I don’t exactly wanna share with everyone I meet that I used to struggle with alcoholism. And not all people are as nice about it as others. Some are just incredulous and almost kinda mean about me being sober but still going to bars.
Like, some people/acquaintances/ex drinking buddies of mine will be like “Wow. Still sober? Why?” as if there’s anything to gain from drinking, or any of their business. Sometimes the endless barrage of questions make me wanna cry. And I’m so sick and tired of it.
In fact, I’m so fed up that I find myself wanting to be super petty about it. So, I’m nicely asking fellow sober pals who don’t mind being petty and/or have petty retorts to serve:
What is something I can say to “defend” my sobriety that’s gonna make nosy, pushy, argumentative people feel really bad?
You are putting yourself in a place where defense of your sobriety is highly likely to arise. Is there another venue for you to socialize and create your music?
“I don’t drink” and “I’m not drinking tonight” and “I just don’t want to drink” are complete and sufficient sentences.
I think honesty will suffice. I would have been dead now, would I have continued down the road I was on. Would they appreciate seeing me dead? If the answer is yes, well it would make some things clear. Personally I quit going to the bar after trying to go there sober for a while. I feel people in a bar, under the influence, are annoying, and sad.
Unfortunately I’m from a small town, and there are actually no other places (for adults) to be creative. Being at my favorite bar is the only thing that really works, because I like the music and vibe, and I can people-watch for inspiration. Bars and alcohol are honestly the biggest “culture”in my town.
It doesn’t need to be defended nor does it require any kind of elaborate explanation. You don’t owe that to anyone. “This is what I’ve chosen to do/this is the best choice for me” should be, and is, enough. If they are actual friends, they will support you making a positive change for yourself without an interrogation. If they keep trying to poke holes or make passive-aggressive remarks about it, maybe reconsider that relationship. All the best!
I have to chime in.. congrats on your sobriety. You owe no explanation to anyone. As above yes honesty is the best way. Yesterday I had a neighbor who I haven’t visited with for sometime say “wow, you look really good” These bar people if you are around a lot will eventually see you thriving and healthy because of sobriety. Or F$#k them.
I ask back. And this is mostly where the nosy people shut up.I ask why they bother, if they wanna share a problem, if it’s their business what i consume. And I ask with a face that clearly shows what I think about putting peer pressure on me. My raised eyebrow normally stops any conversation on the theme.
Not your business is a very powerful boundary understood even by drunk folks. Just my experience.
Start with honesty and if that doesn’t work make up increasingly strange stories until people realize it is none of their business.
“I choose not to drink alcohol anymore for health reasons”
“I found out I’m allergic” (also true-ish)
“I’m pregnant”
Later “Yes, I’m still pregnant, they expect my gestation to last 20 years”
“If I drink even one drop of alcohol these days I turn into a fire breathing dragon and I could level this building with one breath. Better be safe than sorry so no alcohol anymore” (also semi-true, in my case)
I found being in my old bar hangouts tough when I first got sober. Now with 4+ years sober I find them tolerable for short periods of time.
I think sobriety makes people examine their own drinking habits and most people don’t like what they see. When I was a drinking bartender I didn’t know what to think of people who went to bars but didn’t drink. It made me uncomfortable because deep down I think I knew alcohol was bullshit back then.
I started to think of alcohol as a coffee or soda preference these days. If someone pushes, ask if they drink black coffee or Mtn. Dew. Same principle. You choose not to drink alcohol and you have to choose that every day. Don’t let other people shake your resolve.
I don’t defend it as I don’t need to and you shouldn’t have to either. When someone offers you a second cup of coffee and you say no, no one freaks out. “Omg why would you not have another cup?!” Insert whatever non alcoholic drink in there you want but no one makes a big deal if you turn down an extra glass of water, soda coffee etc. So why does it matter if we don’t drink? I mean in reality it really shouldn’t.
My only other thought is that you are going to a bar and what do people at bars do? They drink…I mean, it’s really one of the main reasons you would go. I rarely went to the bar and didn’t drink.
So some might not be able to understand you wanting to be in that environment sober. It also forces people to reflect on their drinking habits when others stop. I have experienced that side of people. Like if she quit and has a problem what does that say about me?
I personally don’t think you have to defend anything. But if you are going to use an excuse I really like @TrustyBird recommendations. Especially the fire breathing dragon one or that you are still pregnant for months. That hopefully would shut people up.
Sober people in bars are like a mirror for alcoholics. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people who frequent bars struggle with their alcohol intake. No one who likes drinking enjoys having a sober person around to remind them that drinking is voluntarily poisoning. I’m sorry, but until you’ve told them all that you’re now a non drinker, this is going to keep coming up. Maybe get a T-shirt made with “none of your business” so you can point at that. Seriously.
This reminds me of the time I was asked by the happy smiley convenience store assistant where I used to buy emergency food provisions and my stock of beers, back in January, “No Stella today?” I just replied “I’m doing dry January.” She asked again during February and I said “I’m still doing dry January.” And she got the same reply March. She doesn’t ask anymore.
