Hey there, I am on 45 days sober now (smoking THC, cigarette and alcohol). Did a lot of reading and profited a lot from this forum and especially the “one day at a time mantra”. Recently some of my friends that do still drink and smoke asked me how long my pause was going to last this time. I tried to explain that I am not pausing this time, that I quitted and aiming for a sober rest of life. But I feel like it’s so difficult for me to explain, if they don’t relate to the desperation und hope behind it. Also maybe, because I am still relatively knew to recovery. Anyone experience with making a friend, that is not addicted or at least thinks so really understand. I neither want to be accusing them or explain to them how to live.
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That’s an important point I feel. All I can do is to tell about me, what using meant to me, why it was ruining my life, and what has become better since I quit (I’m sober for five years now). That this is my thing and even if they can’t understand it they maybe can respect that and respect me?
People that still drink can have a whole myriad of reasons to get defensive or dismissive about your sobriety, or simply don’t understand it. That’s not on you and not about you. People can see themselves mirrored in you. People might feel they have a problem themselves but won’t admit that to themselves. People might be afraid to lose their drinking buddy, or your friendship altogether. But that has nothing to do with you, and all with them.
So indeed stay with yourself when you feel the need to explain why you do this, but still people might feel attacked simply by the fact that you do what you do. And in the end you don’t owe anybody an explanation. This is your life. Your choices. You make your own decisions and you are the only one that can make you happy. Congrats on 45 days Baseline. Keep going. You’re doing great.
PS. The friends that remained got used to it BTW. That’s my real friends. Others are gone.
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Yall have friends ??? Jk lol but yeah i dont have many friends. Bc they were cocaine and drinking buddies. Not people i really wanted to be around anyways. This part of your journey you’re going to be on is called self reflection and spiritual growth. Dont worry about the friends
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This is one of the trickiest obstacles in recovery. We love our friends and family. Getting loaded with them was a huge part of my life.
The only ones who understand a desire to be sober are people who have that same desire.
I found that being firm in my decision and not letting any friends/family get in the way of my goal was key. It meant I no longer hang out with the people I drank with. Most would tell me they were supportive, but misery loves company so It was very common for my “friends” to want me to join them.
As I continued to stay sober I became aware of how many friends I had that drinking was our only connection. I still love some of them, but I rarely see them and that’s OK. When I do see some of them I get to hear them whine about all the alcohol related problems they still have in their life.
Setting boundaries with my drinking friends was one of the best things I did.
As time goes on, those people have become far less important to me.
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I’ve made new friends who drink, if they ever ask me I just tell them that I hate it, do not like it, do not want to do it. But have no probs with anyone else drinking, it’s a personal choice. Noone has ever tried to push drink into me.
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Thank you for the helpful messages!
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Do not over complicate it.Stick to the script people places and things.That is suggested for a reason.If you are staying sober and really doing the step work what do you and somebody who is trying to go to the bar and get druunk really have to discuss???Besides who are u really trying to convince them or u???For me the best way i explain MYsobriety to others is by action.I let my actions speak for themselves.I honestly do the work and my higher power takes care of the rest.When you do the work people will see results even if they dont want to.
Only words that come out my mouth in explaining my sobriety to those who are in question of it are I am allergic soon as ii take a sip I breakout in handcuffs.Need i say more.Enough said right
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Sooooo much this!!! This was very well said and SO relatable.
I also can overcomplicate anything. For the most part I just told people I quit. When asked why, I’ve learned over time that for me it’s easiest to just say it wasn’t bringing anything positive into my life. I don’t need to over explain or over think it-I just ran in circles that way. Those closest to me know why I quit, and they usually didn’t get it anyway because they were still using. So I keep it simple now, it works best for me. Well done on your 45 days!
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Me: You remember that scene in Shawshank Redemption when Andy is escaping from the prison and has to crawl through over a quarter-mile of raw sewage?
Them: Yeah.
Me: And then when he finally falls out of the drain it resembles a wild animal giving birth?
Them: Yeah.
Me: And the pouring rain washes him clean as he desperately removes the filthy prison clothes?
Them: Yeah.
Me: And then he just stands there for a few minutes feeling the rain pour against his skin and he smiles?
Them: Yeah, I remember that scene well.
Me:
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When you stop drinking and smoking, you are changing one of the dynamics, possibly a very important one, in your relationships with your friends who were your using buddies. So answer #1 is “Be wary of others questioning your sobriety”. Answer #2, to answer the inquiry directly is “Well, I’m not getting high today”.
Seriously, consider that your friends may be confused or uncertain or even threatened by your sobriety - you took your toys and went home and they still want to play. You may need to heavily reduce contact with them for a while, if for whatever reason (often not conscious) they want you to indulge with them.
AA and NA meetings are great places to be when you are trying to stay sober, and can give you the social stimulation that we all need.
Blessings on your house 
as you continue on the sober road.
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I’ve been very open and honest with my friends, neighbors and anyone who I’ve felt a need to bring it up to. So far even if they don’t fully understand I’ve felt respected. I know my true friends because they are the ones who encourage me and stand by my side. When I made the decision to stop drinking I decided I wouldn’t hide it anymore so have just been open about it.