Hi everyone, please give me advice/insight/anything. My fiancé and I have been together for 11 years. For the past 2-3 years I have struggled with getting drunk and starting a fight or getting drunk and going through his phone. Most times, when I find something it is something that I over ended up over exaggerating on and come to realize when I wake up the next day. I beg for forgiveness and we move forward. I believe my partner reached a checkout point approximately two years ago but we continued together. We are very lovely with one another however he goes out every single weekend. I accepted it and just continued on. Things would be good for a week and then I would do the same thing again. I could tell he was fed up but he strayed. We took a trip overseas to trip to restore everything and I made everything worse by getting drunk again and embarrassing him. After we came back from the trip , I was unaware of this but he planned on leaving but then I got pregnant. The pregnancy was beautiful. I was myself again of course because I could not drink for 9 months. Now that our son has been born I slowly got back into drinking. Last night I went through his phone and found out he is cheating on me. After reading what I read I lost it and began to hit him and got very physical. I called my parents which I regret because now they know our business. I have not spoke to my partner however I know he is furious because he was walking around with anger. I feel like when I think about the situation I shouldn’t have been drunk looking at his phone and the situation would have been handled differently. I know he is wrong as well but I do feel like I caused it. I don’t want my relationship to end.
Tough spot.
He shouldn’t be cheating on you, end of, and that’s not your fault. That’s his fault.
However…
It sounds like you’ve not being giving him the best version of yourself either, so I understand the guilt feelings.
If you can forgive yourself, and forgive him, then see if you can get over this. Kids need both their parents- not a popular opinion these days, but they do.
One thing I do know is that alcohol makes everything so much bloody worse.
Thank you James . You are 100% right. He didn’t want to talk to me but last night I told him to please just listen. I said “ I love you to death. I don’t want us to end. My love for you is willing to forgive what happened if you can also forgive me. If not please let me know so I can start my journey of finding out how to get through this” I’m praying he wants to fix it . Pray for us please
Long ago, my then girlfriend and I had a tumultuous relationship. It didn’t start that way, they rarely do, but there was a passion between us that was too hot to hold. The only thing was, she didn’t drink and I did, a lot. It got to the point where I spent a week in jail for assualt, then she’d spend a week in jail for the same. She cheated on me, I cheated on her. We were a mess. I ended up breaking up with her, that’s when she told me she was pregnant. My mom raised me to be accountable for my actions, so I ended up going back to her, despite EVERYONE telling me otherwise. I did the bare minimum to maintain our relationship and that was fine with her.
We ended up getting married some 17 years later. I got sober, she worked through her trauma and anger issues, we’ve been happy for some time now. We don’t always get along nor do we always see eye to eye, but I guess that keeps things interesting.
But we are proof that people CAN change and through hard work, compromise, and sacrifice, relationships can work, even if they seem doomed.
However, in my 46 years on this planet, there is something else I’ve learned…
It’s not up to you, and that’s a fact you have to accept. What will be, will be. That’s a tough lesson to learn.
I hope things work out for you and being sober is your best chance at that.
@PrettySmartAndSweet , sorry you’re going through this. @james83 and @HoofHearted have already given some good advice, so I don’t have much to add. The most important thing right now is that you stay sober. Use all the tools you need to do that. Sending you love and support 
@james83 said it. Kids deserve both their parents. Parental separation messes with them severely. Not trying to guilt trip you or anything, just being real.
As for your relationship, it can absolutely be repaired if both you and he are willing to work at it. I think a good first step would be to take a hard look at yourself and think about whether you are the type of person that your fiancé deserves. If the answer is no, then you can start the work at making yourself into that person. Stopping drinking sounds like a good first step. Like forever. Alcohol rarely, if ever, makes people’s lives better. I don’t care what some may argue. It’s a poison you’re ingesting and it obviously ruins your judgement. Fix that and maybe you’ll be the person that your fiancé once loved and adored. Then maybe he will attempt his own change, but it’s got to start with you.
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Alas, you must also forgive yourself first
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Then everything else
Will call into place
Welcome to this wonderful and suportive community! I probably could have written the first half of your story myself. While I never went through my husband’s phone, getting blackout drunk, starting strange fights, embarrassing him on regular basis, followed by pleading forgiveness only to do it again next time was a regular occurence for years. I was a mess and living with my Jekyll/Hyde must have been exhausting fot him.
First thing first, you need to focus on yourself and stop drinking. Forever sounds daunting, I know, but there is help on here, in AA groups and other peer support type groups. Is rehab an option you might consider?
Your partner cheated and you put your hands on him. There is never ever any good excuse to put your hands on your partner. That’s a huge line that got crossed and fixing it will take a lot more than asking for forgiveness. I don’t know if your relationship is salvageable, but I know your baby is innocent and doesn’t deserve to grow up in an environment where people scream, go through each other’s phones and get violent.
It sounds like you both have a lot of work ahead of you as a new family. But the most important thing right now is to not drink. Just for today. Wake up every morning and pledge to yourself to stay sober. Read around the forum. Check-in with us daily. Go to meetings. Read quit lit. Change is possible. It’s hard, but you can do it.
Wow. Thank you soooo much for sharing your story. Right before seeing this I felt defeated. I saw a different Tupperware in the sink for the second time which means this new women is now making his lunch (something I usually do) it truly heart my heart which then turned to anger. As I lay in bed I asked god to tell me please what direction to go in. My heart is of course still fully invested so I asked god for help because I also can’t take open disrespect in my face. After I prayed this I opened the app & read your message to me. Thank you so much. This has motivated me to understand we both have trauma but to not give up. Thank you for helping me. I hope I understood your story correctly
Thank you so much for love and support. I need it. Appreciate you
You are 1000 correct. I need to be the person he once loved and that person was not getting drunk. I remember when I was pregnant he randomly told me in the car “ this is the person I fell in love with “ . Everyday has been so hard even though it has only been 3 days of him not talking to me but I’ve told my self drinking is over and I’ve been hitting the gym hard to try to get my self confidence back as well. I’m hoping in 30 days I will see amazing results in my confidence and spirit especially considering it will be my 1st time reaching 30 days with no alcohol! I’m praying if I do this he will see a beautiful change in me. Thank you so much for your words. Wish me luck
Thank you for sharing & thank you for your words. You are right. May I ask if you and your husband are still together ? May I know when you made a change and how it came about ? How did you get his forgiveness once again ?
I went through a similar situation in regards to my husband has been sober for years, I was drinking. He filed for divorce to protect our assets. I finally went to inpatient treatment for a month. Once sober for that long, I realized one month was not enough so I went through another 30 days at another treatment center. Our relationship was that important to me. We are back together, but I know it is completely up to me to stay sober and that our problems “were all my fault” and it is up to me only to make or break the future relationship!
Luck Wished! Stick around the community. This is an awesome support for people early in sobriety.
So he gave you a chance while you were getting treatment ? As in he waited for you ?
Yeah, he stuck by me even when he had every right to leave. I guess I got lucky. We got better at the relationship thing after I got sober and started receiving proper mental health treatment to help with my various disorders.
It’s been one year and a month since my last drink. I honestly can’t tell you why or how it stuck this time. Guess I finally accepted I had no control over my drinking. Like… really accepted it, ya know? Before, I would try quitting but still had this niggle in the back of my mind telling me that it’s fine, that I can just have a couple of glasses like a normal person. Lord knows I’ve tried moderation. It just got to the point where I was really ready to live with the discomfort of my life without masking it.
As for my husband’s forgiveness… When you really love someone, it’s easy to forgive them even when they’re being arseholes to you. What really mattered for him was seeing me actually make changes weeks, months, a year after a drunken night filled with regret.
We slowly rebuilt our trust. He started relaxing more, instead of constantly being on edge. We talked a lot about what each other needs in the relationship. It’s not easy. But… trust me, it’s so so worth it.
Sobriety is worth it. Being sober and present in your child’s life is so worth it. You can do this!
Thank you so much. My plan is to just show him instead of just saying it like i always do. It has only been 4 days but i guess it’s a start. I believe he won’t notice until about 2 weekends pass. If that. But I have been praying that he has a forgiving heart and sees my efforts to change. I also have been praying to be understanding. Understanding that although I have not done the things he has done he has suffered a lot of trauma due to me as well.
Recognition is a huge step. I mean, even if you’re not doing a 12 step program, everyone ought to have a Step 4 Inventory that they do. Seems like you’re already starting one if you’re recognizing that your behaviors have harmed people. Keep exploring that. Then you can go about making amends to those you’ve harmed. You’re on the right track!