I hope everyone is moving forward in their journey.
My question:
If a close friend or fellow alcoholic is taking advantage of someone and doesn’t have a sponsor or anyone in their life to “call them out”-- what is the best approach?
Details:
A buddy of mine has been manipulating and taking advantage of his parents for money for years. He’s been unemployeds and living with them for many years as well. As his best friend I want him to get a job for his own monetary and structural benefit. I’ve stayed quiet for a long time noticing him convince his parents to pay for a lot of unnecessary things. Yesterday he convinced his parents to get him some air pods and a new phone on black Friday. I’m not jealous and I do not hurt for money. But I mentioned that he has been taking advantage of his parents for awhile now and that I love him and want him to become independent-- but can see why it’s easy to maintain status quo. He got upset with me. Just needed to share this and hear from other people on this topic.
Hey Matt.
I was just listening to an Al-Anon talk and at the end they did a step 4 inventory on something that a friend did that bother them a lot.
I wish I could explain it better. But I googled it for you. Or maybe I googled it for me so I could understand it better.
I’m learning I cannot change the behavior of others to suit my needs. Or change their behavior to make me feel better. Nor should I.
Summary
To work a Step 4 inventory regarding your feelings towards someone, start by listing the person you have feelings about, then detail the specific situations or actions that triggered your emotions, how those actions affected you, and honestly examine your role in the situation, including any potential self-blame or areas where you could have acted differently; be thorough and write down all positive and negative feelings, even if they seem uncomfortable to confront.
Key steps to take when working a Step 4 inventory about your feelings towards someone:
Identify the person: Write down the name of the person you have feelings towards.
List specific events: Describe specific situations or actions that led to your current feelings.
Describe your emotions: Write down exactly how you feel about the person and their actions, including emotions like anger, resentment, sadness, guilt, or fear.
Impact analysis: Explain how the person’s actions have affected you emotionally and in your life.
Self-reflection: Honestly assess your own role in the situation, identifying any areas where you might have contributed to the problem or could have acted differently.
Character defects: Consider if any of your character defects, like defensiveness or self-centeredness, may have played a role in your feelings.
Be thorough: Don’t shy away from writing down even uncomfortable or negative feelings, as the goal is to be honest with yourself.
Example format for a Step 4 inventory:
Person: [Name of person]
Situation: [Describe a specific event or action that triggered your feelings]
My feelings: [List all emotions you experienced, such as anger, hurt, disappointment, etc.]
How it affected me: [Explain how the situation impacted your life or well-being]
My role: [Reflect on your part in the situation and any areas where you could have acted differently]
Honestly, what I’ve learned the very hard way several times is that people really hate being called out. Hell, I hate being called out. And while I like to think that I’m capable of self-reflection and all that jazz, truth is, I’m just as likely as anyone else to shoot the messenger first.
It doesn’t sound like your friend wants to change nor that he wants a reminder of what he’s doing wrong.
Unsolicited… Don’t
Is this the same guy you spoke of in February?
Might sound harsh but this sentence implies it’s what you want, he might not.
He might be happy taking advantage of the situation and unless the parents are going to put their foot down or they are happy to pay his way it’s not really any of your business.
If he’s not taking advantage of you then its doesn’t affect you.
You spoke about a sponsor so I figure you are talking about AA, which is attraction rather than promotion. If he sees what you are gaining and wants it he will ask, if he doesn’t no amount of you telling him will make any difference.
This is just my opinion and hopefully you can just be his friend.