Hi guys,
Looking for advice. My best friend from school is getting married in Vegas next year. Her and her fiancé are a bit of a trigger for me as we used to party a lot together and I never had heavy sessions unless I was with them.
I think it’s best if I turn this down for me as I don’t think I will be able to cope well, but I need to put myself first. I already mentioned it would be a bit too expensive for me, but she said she would cover costs if that’s really the issue.
Please help, it will be a small wedding where I would be 1 of three guests. But I don’t know what to do.
I know it’s asking a lot of many people. But for me ruthless honesty works best. To myself in the first place. And you’re doing a good job yourself right here and now. I do think the best way is to be honest to your friend as well. Tell her what you fear and why this is preventing you from going. Excuses won’t work I feel. Not going will be a disappointment for you both I guess, whatever the story you tell. But when she’s a real friend she’ll understand and appreciate your honesty. I think. I know this is not easy but I feel it’s the best way. Just my opinion of course.
I‘m with @Mno on this one: Honesty is the only option.
Telling your friend some made up excuse will just be bad for your relationship.
Showing yourself vulnerable and honest usually strengthens them.
If this is a solid friendship honestly speaking about your needs will improve it.
My cousin asked me to be his bestman at his wedding i was in earl sobriety i said no im in recovery he understood years later he was the best man at mine i was a long time sober then
In my early days of my latest attempt at sobriety and recovery (I am on day 19), I have read and heard that you need to prioritise your recovery above anything else.
If you think this wedding will be a trigger for you, then don’t go. We don’t owe ANYONE an explanation when trying to turn our lives around and recover from addiction and substance abuse.
My answer isn’t quite the same as everyone else’s. Do you have anyone who can go with you in solidarity? Then going might be an option. Tell your best friend you would go for her ceremony and just a little bit of the reception. Leave at any time if you feel triggered, I think you have about 8 months of sobriety? So there might be a way to do it if you are careful and have set boundaries and a plan for the situations that might come up. Good luck.
When does the decision need to be made? You said the wedding is next year…Do you have to buy tickets by september? If thats the case, you have time to gauge where youre at in a few months. I went to my first wedding sober after 3 months sober. But vegas is another story all together. All that to say, do whats best for your sobriety. Dont risk it
@Lauraemma I think honesty is your best friend here. Explain how you feel, and be ready for whatever response in return. You don’t need to risk your recovery to make someone else happy. What will make you happy? Do that first, she can handle herself.
Honesty is the best answer and i think you kinda answered your own question! Its to me be honest is the best answer its not making you look bad but stronger in my book and it can lead to a better understanding of the boundaries being set like i dont want to be around it because im putting myself at risk of alot of regrets .
I think you already answered yourself. They’re triggering and you need to look after yourself first. Just be open and honest. If they’re true friends they will understand.
How to say no to a drinking party is the same as saying YES to your sobriety.
I find it easier for me to frame these ideas in a positive manner than a negative one. I’m building myself up in a good way, not depriving myself of something.
You know, it’s really refreshing to see that you are aware that you may need to sit this one out. Good on you!!
I just earned my 7 year anniversary badge on this forum here yesterday and in that time, 99% of the time, it’s the opposite. Most people with this dilema frame it as “they have to go”, you’re one of the few who see it as it really is, an option.
In life, everything of what you have control over is optional, everything else is negotiable.
If you don’t want to go, and I fully support that decision, you have 2 options.
Make up an excuse not to go
Let them know you won’t be making it and be honest when asked why.
Personally, I like honesty, yeah, it’s uncomfortable and awkward but it’s unburdening. It’s freeing. It’s empowering.
My honest convo would be something like: so hey, I really appreciate the invite and so happy for you, but given the location and my recent decision to be sober, I wont be able to attend, but I’d love to send you something for your special day!
I know these types of situations and conversations suck to have, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.
Are there other reasons why you hesitate to go? Maybe some deeper ones beside the obvious trigger of having a drinking past together?
I just ask because I myself found a lot of issues behind the obvious and learned a lot from it, especially understanding myself better.
I personally think, if you feel you have to “cope” with a situation think about not exposing yourself to it, it costs energy and strength you need for more important parts of your life. Coping always refers to a healthy, helpful behaviour in situations you can barely influence or leave.
Unhealthy, misused mechanisms like drinking, druging, more or less all kind of too much / too intense / escaping without leaving the source behind are not coping.
Maybe take some time to think further about this invitation, how YOU feel, reflect on all your feelings. Maybe talk about it, journal about it, be honest with yourself. The event is next year, no need to answer tomorrow with yes or no, saying I think about it as I’m in recovery is fine.
I personally would trust my gut and decline the invitation, being honest and NOT allowing any discussion about it. Exept it’s a sober event, then I would go. But it doesn’t sound like that and the social pressure in a small group is
Let us know what you think about the given input, was it helpful? We are here and support you. Big congrats on your awareness and putting your sobriety first
