My husband left about 2 months ago. I struggled with alcohol drinking everyday for about 2 years. I never thought it was an issue because I got up everyday went to work came home made dinner, etc. I never drank at work. He is so angry with me and says I wasn’t present for 2 years when he needed a partner. I am 88 days sober, started exercising and am going to therapy once a week but he still won’t come home. What more can I do? How do I deal with his resentment towards me. I have apologized so much I don’t know what else I can do.
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Give it time. 88 days is nothing compared to 2 years of feeling alone beside a partner who drinks. Work on yourself, focus on yourself. Maybe he will see some change, maybe he will want to revive the relationship, maybe not, maybe he moved forward.
Trust needs time to build.
Sending you strength and calm.
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Congrats on 88 days!
Continue to show you’re changing through your actions. There is no set time on when or if you can expect him to accept the new you. Keeping working on yourself while giving him the space he needs, and eventually everything else in your life will fall into place.
When my husband got sober, he expected me to forgive him on his 90 days. All the pain he caused and the resentment I was holding onto couldn’t be let go in just 90 days. Around 6 months, I started opening up my heart again. By one year, we started living our best life together. Every relationship is different though. Time takes time.
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The best appology is changed behavior. Keep doing what you are doing. Hos forgiveness will be given when he is ready. Nothing anyone can do to “speed” that up.
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Congrats on 88 days. And I agree with the others. Accept the consequences as hard as they are. Accept that whatever your husband decides to do is beyond your control. Stay sober, work on yourself, and be the best version of yourself that you can. You are in this for the long haul. Sending you peace of mind.
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Focus on putting in the work. Not on results you want to have.
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When you walk 100 miles into the forest, it takes 100 miles to walk out.
Keep working on your sobriety everyday and accept that what will be will be.
Work on yourself, that’s all you can do.
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This is the gem I needed to read today 
Thank you @acromouse
You saved me from caving into codependent behaviour and self-pitty 
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Again did not want to participate on this topic as I am in no position to give advice, I am working on healing a badly damaged relationship. I have been accused of my 4 months sobriety has not changed me. Although in last few days I was told he sees me working hard and can see results in Our life.
I believe for me I just need to keep doing the right thing stay sober and let God guide me to be a better person.
Of course I want the relationship to flourish!
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I 100% agree with focus on you and your recovery. Get better for you regardless of what your husband does. My wife left me after 4 years of changing and walked away from a 15 year marriage… not my choice but hers. There is no magic quick fix. I wish you the best of luck on your sobriety. It’s a tough road but one worth traveling!
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You have to accept that they’re not obligated to see you the way you see you now. They might in a month, a year, tomorrow, or somewhere in between. Or not at all. We aren’t owed second chances and a redemption arc isn’t a promise that relationships will always heal, or at least heal quickly.
A relationship is a house. You set the foundation, and go from there. Somewhere along the way addiction comes in and hits that baby like a bulldozer. Naturally, when something so valuable as that is extremely damaged or destroyed, there are gonna be some hard feelings.
We’re going through it as addicts, yes, but we also put others through it. Can’t control their healing process.
You’re at the point where you’re trying to seemingly expedite rebuilding the foundation of a house that doesn’t guarantee both people living in right now.
You need to slow down and just wait to see what happens and stop pressing his face into your changes.
I get it, trust me. I had a solid 8-9 years of marriage to reconstruct, and it’s taken 2.5 years and a lot of listening and not waiting for my turn to talk.
Just keep doing your things. Do it because you need it for yourself firstly though. Yeah, stay in touch with him if it’s what he wants, but don’t be desperate because it can come across as unauthentic.
I know it feels hard but this is also the consequence of choices. We’re forced to walk through the valley of our own shitty choices and this is how it feels to not know, this is how we as addicts tend to make our partners feel all the time. These are some of the exact things I had to hear from my husband, mixed with things I learned along the way.
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Im not even going to lie to you right.I do not know the extent of the damage that was done.I do not know the type of dude your husband is.I am not a lawyer,doctor,marriage counselor,I am nothing more than one alcoholic trying to help another.And when anyone,anywhere reaches out at anytime,I want the hand of AA to be there.and for that I am resposible…I say that because the primary focus is abstaining from alcohol.1st step is admitting we were powerless and that our lives have become unmanageable.There is another part to that 1st step which is how we have made other lives unmanageable as well.That is what helped me get to the root of my relationship issues.Once I was able to see the exact nature of my wrongs I was able and ready to make amends(i plead temporary insanity).Which yes 88 days in comparison to 2 years(maybe longer)in terms of time isnt much.I realized consistency was key.I stopped making promises because truth of the matter was how many in the past have i made 1,000’s how many did i live up to???Also being your husband still speaks with you and communicates how he feels is a good sign that he hasnt completely given up.So continue to work on you for you,because there could never be us if you arent present.Alcoholism has a way of making us selfiish and self centered.In moving foward being there is lines of communication remind him why he fell in love and married you to begin with.Small things like sending him random text messages letting him know that he is a good man and that you apppreciate him for him being him.Guys like surprises and gifts as well and the best gift a woman can give to a man is his wifes attention.Remember it wont happen over night that is why consistency is so important.
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100% agree, really well put. It has to be for ourselves first for it to really be authentic. My husband was tired of promises after so many failed that I just stopped making them and started doing the things I said was going to. Eventually a promise held meaning again, but even still, it matters so much more that I can say I promise again and be met with trust.
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They say a picture is worth a thousand words,but somehow your words have painted a thousand pictures.It spoke volumes in the way only a "real one"could who has been through it.That is the magical part of this fellowship.What I can not do together we can;which is piece back together the lives we have torn apart
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“Time takes time.”------FACTS
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I’ve heard it said that the aggrieved partner will need more time to heal and change than the addicted person. We put down the drink/drugs and expect the world to kiss our butts, and throw us a parade, but that’s not how it works.
It takes consistent changes for the better to allow our partner to believe that the relationship can survive, and then even more changes on our part to convince them it’s worth it to say committed.
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Ouch! That hit home.
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It really was my Achilles heel, and I’m able to get it in check at least right at the start usually now if it does creep back in during a conversation. My husband started mimicking it to me and it bugged me so much and then he pointed out that that’s the thing I was doing and had been doing for years and kind of a light on moment.
Also honestly at first I was petty and wanted to prove to him and myself that I could legitimately have a good conversation with good listening skills lol. Funnily enough it really did help, and now it’s been really beneficial in general with conversations.
I didn’t realize how much he wasn’t being heard and it kind of sucked when I did so I started using my DBT skills and it was pretty helpful
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So true as far as expecting fanfare and parades for something that other people exist as and do all the time! Having to come down from the ivory tower of doing something good and waiting for the praise lol. The treacherous pink cloud gets us all
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Hello, there. Are you attending (every week) 12 Step recovery meetings?
You probably need to seriously consider adding this to your Recovery Program. I won’t bore you with all of the virtues of being a part of Alcoholics Anonymous, I will only tell you I celebrated 30 years in RECOVERY (not mere sobriety) and I still go to AA meetings and CA meetings. And I just finished a divorce from a woman I was married to for over 25 years, almost 26. I filed the divorce, hardest decision I have ever made. I did not pick up a drink or drug no matter how bad I felt.
Sometimes people decide it is time to move on. I decided I needed to divorce my wife because she had refused to go see her own therapist and she refused to attend couples counseling. The minute I told her I was divorcing her, she went and hired a therapist. I am so glad. But it will take years for her to heal and get well, and I gave her 20 years to get this done. I could not wait any longer. Your husband may feel that two years of his life was all he can afford to use up.
Your husband has his own mind. You have no power over how he feels about you. He does. All you can do is demonstrate how serious you are about being not just sober but being in active recovery. But when he tells you that you “weren’t present” for two years, he probably will want to see some serious changes. Like AA, like behavioral changes in you that you may not even notice yourself, which are a byproduct of working a Recovery Program.
You work a Recovery Program for life. You do it for yourself, not for someone else. You do it so you can experience true joy in your life, knowing you do not get your self esteem or self worth from others, it comes from within. Start building it now and please consider what I said about AA. It works and it is a great society of recovering persons who can provide you emotional support.
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