I have my first work conference coming up soon. I’m so determined to stay sober. I’m thankfully still in my “pink cloud” phase where I feel good, I know why I need and want to quit, I know what’s on the line if I don’t, I know that I cannot drink “just one” and that social drinking is not an option (because it just turns into binge drinking, and then benders).
My work conferences were my alcoholic heaven. Open bar. I was the life of the party. Joking on day two about how hungover everyone is and laughing about how late we were out. Me internally trying to remember everything I said, did, and how many embarrassing things happened. It is an environment rife with party and drinking culture. I have to go to this and have already been messaged several times from people saying things like “can’t wait to party with you again”.
If I show up and not drink, it will absolutely be shocking to people. I am thinking about either drinking a Diet Coke with lime so they just think I am or just telling people I’m on antibiotics or something and can’t drink. It honestly would be so much easier than saying “I’m not drinking anymore”.
Any ideas, suggestions, or anything that will help me have the rebuttals and tools needed to make it through this? I will only be at less than two weeks when this rolls around and two weeks is historically when my euphoric cloud ends and I lie to myself and say “you’ve been good, you can have one”, which turns into “you’ve only had one, you can have more”.
Does work require you to go? Maybe you can sit this particular one out. It’ll be easier to say over messages or email that you can’t make it, than to say no over and over to drinks right in front of you.
Welcome to Talking Sober Kayla! Hope this place can be as helpful to you as it has been to me in remaining sober and strengthening my sobriety.
As to how to make it through this work event sober, lots has been said about that in other threads here. But let me try and give you some pointers.
First of all, when you’re worried about keeping your sober status intact if you go, is it absolutely necessary you go in the first place? Might be, I don’t know. Just asking. But do know your sobriety should be your first and foremost priority in your life, especially early in sobriety. It’s never sure we have another quit in us.
When you are going, think up what you’ll say why your not drinking. Have a good plan. Personally I made my sobriety public from day one and it was the best way for me. I got some ridicule, a lot of unbelieve and incomprehension, some people got defensive. I didn’t care. I know most people don’t want to face that early on and IMO it’s perfectly fine to use an excuse like being sick and/or on medicine, or think up any other excuse, just as long as you thought about it and stick to it.
More in general you need a plan too. Take time to think about it, write some stuff down. You need possible escapes when a craving hit. Instead of giving in at hard moments ( and they will very probably come), what will you do as an alternative? Walk away? Have friends you can trust and who you can call or text? Come here and ask for help? More ideas yourself? You can do this but it does take preparation. Like you are doing now, by coming here and asking help. Good work. we can’t do this alone but we can together. Together we’re strong. Welcome again and wishing you all success Kayla.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful response! I am unfortunately not able to skip as I’m presenting for my department on a panel, so it’s necessitated by my position and work. Thankfully, it’s here locally and I don’t need to travel or stay overnight by myself anywhere, so I have support systems nearby. It seems silly, but I’ve been practicing in the mirror what I would say and how I would say it. I work for a very large company and while I think I could tell my boss/direct coworkers truthfully why I’m not drinking, I don’t know if I’m in the position to have that convo with them, or others just yet. So, I was not sure if relying on an “excuse” for now is okay, or maybe should be avoided?
I agree with Menno. Your mindset needs to be you will protect your sobriety by whatever means necessary. Make a plan A, plan B, plan C. Since this is local to you, can you present and then say you’re feeling unwell and skedaddle home? If not, plan ahead for the social part. Order a soft drink and keep it in hand at all times. Practice the expected dialogues in your head. Think of alternative conversation topics so you can cut drink-related questions short. Leave as soon as feasible.
I understand it’s early days, but for me it was actually liberating when eventually I started simply telling people I don’t drink. At most they’d be like “How come?” I’d say “It really doesn’t agree with me”. And that’d be it. Very freeing.
Great ideas! I definitely think I can get out of the happy hours and after parties, the most I would have to stay for is a dinner or two, but could most likely get out of there early if it becomes too much for and blame it on illness.
“I have a condition. It’s kinda complicated and I’d rather not talk about it.” They don’t have to know the condition involves a problem with alcohol. They shouldn’t pressure you for private health/medical information. If you do decide to tell them about your sobriety on a later date, this excuse remains true, you don’t have to explain any fibbing.
“I’m going alcohol-free to support a friend tonight. I’m taking this seriously, it’s really important and I can’t cheat on this.” Your friend is you, maybe also other people as well, but they don’t need to know that part.
Some ideas for having an “out” or “rescue” when things are overwhelming:
Travel on your own, so that you can leave whenever you want.
Tell someone unrelated to the work conference you’ll be done by a certain time. Then you have an out. “Sorry, I have to go, I promised [person] I would be there by [time].”
If the person is a friend, you can even get them to text you something like “Text me when you get this. I need you” when the conference starts. If you need to bail, you can react to the text. You don’t need to mention the fact that “I need you” actually means “I need you sober”
I’ve been in your shoes several times, with the work conferences.
First thing, literally no one will care if you don’t drink… No one! Absolutely not one person!!!
The response to “Can I get you something to drink?” That I use is, “No thanks, I’m good”.
When it comes to dinners and parties, I excuse myself as soon as dinner is over and hang out at the parties for the first 45 minutes or so.
I also found by not drinking, you find the others that don’t drink. Those are your allies, those are your friends! Find those people and your strength will multiply!
Just remember, it’s OK to not drink, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Also remember, “No” is a complete sentence.
When I got sober and was fully committed (the first time) I went to a few weddings and it was incredibly difficult. Because same, I am the life of the party and I am always the one yelling shots and going all night. I was the event cheerleader. Part of me loves her and will miss her, but there’s so many things that make it not worth it - not remembering what I said, how did I make an ass of myself this time or wondering if I offended anybody the next day - like you mentioned. Absolute worst.
What worked best for me early on in, was lying. I knew if I was honest, that would lead to more questions, and the ugly cry would come on. I couldn’t handle the attention and fibbing was so much easier because then we could just move on to another topic. I always tell myself too, that it’s really no ones business but mine what I decide to put or don’t put in my body.
So yeah, get that mocktail to avoid questions or just say you’re on a diet or taking new meds. I’m all about whatever works and what your most comfortable with!
Thank you so much! It’s wonderful (and sort of heartbreaking) to know how many others have struggled with this and that I’m not alone. I feel a lot of the anxiety lifting and am going to be practicing my rebuttals daily while also picturing how amazing it is going to feel knowing I will do it sober and that I won’t wake up the next morning feeling shame or embarrassment about “what drunk Kay did”.
Level headed me is saying that no one will care (and I do know that to be true). Alcoholic me is screaming that I am going to face judgement or isolation or weird faces if I don’t. I know that’s just my addiction trying to create an excuse to make it easier for me to say yes. Thank you for writing this and reminding me that no one is even going to notice or give it a second thought if I simply say “No”or “I’m good”.
Once you are attending these events sober you’ll start to realise not everyone there is mortal drunk, you just thought they were. Only a few individuals are drunk and usually embarrassing themselves or acting really sloppy
