How do you control yourself from picking up the bottle to suppress your anger because you don’t want to hurt (not necessarily physically but moreso verbally) the person who hurt you?
I’m just sick and tired of the same reason my mother and I argue about through the years and she could never understand and respect why I don’t want her doing something I don’t want her to do: she disrespects my privacy and boundaries by posting photos of myself, graduation portraits, people I went out with, places I went to, activities I did all without my consent! Why? This is her reason: “I’m just happy for you and proud of my daughter?”
I don’t have a personal social media because I am a private person and I would very much like to keep it that way but mother could just never understand this about me.
I had to go here in my room and lock myself up so I don’t do anything stupid, especially pick up a bottle. I would cry but I can’t even bring myself to do so nor pray nor journal. I am very angry but I am controlling myself.
I feel like our relationship is like Lorelei and Emily’s from Gilmore Girls and hiding my anger is almost like Barry Egan’s from Punch-Drunk Love.
After having spent about 2 hours in my room calming myself down through music and folding laundry as distractions too:
• I made a simple meal
• I read the Bible for a bit
• I went out with a couple of people for several hours
I got home exhausted but I’m not that angry anymore. I know it’ll happen again and again since this is a recurring issue with my mother for so many years but I’ll try to treat it like how I’m treating my alcohol issue: I’ll practice self-control especially on times when the feeling of relapsing is the strongest. It will never be easy, but what is? I’ll try to stay optimistic in spite of downer moments like this and I’ll just have to go out or do something productive or surround myself with positive content and people so as not to feed my anger. I’ve reached day 22 and I’ve done a longer streak before which means it’s possible to surpass that and more.
Thank you for the supportive comments and advices from you nice folks on this thread. God bless you all.
I am feeling similar anger with my mother right now. Its so beyond frustrating when they dont listen. I am so sorry shes not respecting your privacy. You deserve to be listened to, and you deserve respect and privacy. I hope one day she will realize that. Until then, i am proud of you for posting on here and for physically distancing yourself from any drinks. It wouldnt help or solve anything anyway, all it will do is make you feel worse. Youre doing amazing and youre so strong for going through this and holding yourself accountable- im rooting for you
It’s tough dealing with mothers like ours. A simple request and statement of boundaries instead turns into a lifetime’s quest of repeated disrespect and repeated arguments. We might as well be an ouroboros because our words have fallen time and time again on deaf ears.
Thank you. Sending you cyber hugs. It’s hard right now but the physical distance does help.
Hello, have you tried setting clear/articulate boundaries with her? She sounds like she’s doing it with no ill intent. Sometimes we choose anger because we don’t know what else to feel. At least that’s what I do. Instead of going into that anger mode, try talking to her and be clear. I dont usually feel like I need to explain myself to anyone…at all. But mom deserves that. Good luck.
Yes, I have. Multiple times throughout the years in different ways. I really don’t want to have to express myself angrily towards her but she often blindsides me and I would sometimes hear about her posts from my friends who are also friends with her. I have tried polite ways and I have tried not so polite ways, guiltily. I’m honestly exasperated and I have coped with it unhealthily before (like self-harm, alcohol, and even having ran away for several hours before when I was younger).
I understand that although she doesn’t have any ill intent, she should still be respectful of my boundaries and requests because I wouldn’t do to her what she has been doing to me even if I had social media. I would ask her, “Is it so hard to understand that I want to keep my life private yet here you are posting about it for everyone to see? Can you not be proud of me in private and quietly?”, and to that she couldn’t say anything.
Thank you for your response.
Oh man. That’s rough. Im sorry to hear that I currently have a disagreement with one of my siblings. We live together but dont talk…at all…and thats for the better. I actually got a house thats under construction and i cannot wait for it to be finished…I can’t wait to leave that house. I dont know your situation or anything like that…but have you considered moving out? Since boundaries are being crossed.
In early sobriety i became very fond of screaming into pillows its pretty theraputic, i have similar with my mother, not so much the social media stuff but she is disspectful of alot of my boundries too…how far on are u in your sobriety?
I can tell you that you are not alone. My parents also controlled my and with time and therapy, I found out that they are sick and will never understand. I was locked into my room because I wanted to go for a walk, my mom searched through my stuff everyday and my dad took the door off my room, so I couldn’t close it.
Show her your boundaries and keep in mind that it is your right! My mom is really toxic and sometimes she could manipulate me, but you have to reflect and think for yourself.
I get your anger. I have so much of it in me as well. Sometimes I do sports so I don’t hurt myself.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation too. It’s awful when there’s conflict with family when we only want peace…
I have considered that but at this moment it’s both practical to live with them to save money (I’m also somewhat their caregiver since they’re of old age now) and we’re going through some legal matters in the family and I’m involved. It’s a complicated situation but nothing bad. Someday moving out will come but not right under these circumstances. There’s a lot more at stake.
All the best to you and the construction of your home
I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through, but we’re not alone in this tough relationship and situation with our families and at the very least we are in good company here with supportive people for us.
I am on my day 22.
Jeez Louise… I remember witnessing a family member removing another’s room door just because they wanted privacy and the other was too suspicious. I was a little girl when I saw that and I couldn’t understand at the time but I was terrified and confused. If you’re able, maybe get a small safe or those books that are actually secret boxes you could hide your stuff in that could be camouflage on a bookshelf with other books. I hope you’ll be able to get out…
Honestly, I still think I’m terrible at sports because I tried several in high school for PE classes and I never tried again since then Maybe I’ll give it another shot but nothing too extreme. I’m happy for you, though, that you found an outlet that releases your anger healthily and keeps you active.
Thank you, im not minimising your anger here your feelings are absolutely valid but in early sobriety i remember feeling intensely angry for a good while regardless of what was going on and if something was going on i was even more angry…what im trying to point out is that anger is often a part of being newly sober…our doc aka our supposed safety net is gone and so we have to deal with all those big emotions…what i can tell you is later on in sobriety youl find you can deal with these emotions alot better with a clear and sober head but for now ride out those icky emotions and let them out as much as you can, if you want to cry cry if you feel like screaming into a pillow do it. Far as your mother is concerned ive learnt that you cannot control others but you can control how you yourself react to it, sending love and hugs
I’m sorry for this privacy violation. I have not much to add. I am a very private person and everybody including friends (no familiy left) have to face a harsh notive to not post me or about me or I will go to court. Normally the notice, that after 24 h if the post is not removed my lawyer will step up is enough. Here it’s illegal to post pictures without personal permission.
Sorry to be late. How does she get the pictures? How does she know what you are doing?
Remember a boundary is not saying “Don’t do X” a boundary is “If you do X I will do Y”. So it may be time to not allow her to take photos of things or even not attend events if she cannot flow your wishes.
She gets it by:
• being around me when we’re out and about, just the two of us or when with friends and family
• asking mutual friends or family for pictures
• when she pesters me to send them to her then acts up when she doesn’t so she shuts up when I do… sometimes I keep them to myself, though but she raises her request again in different times
Unfortunately, it’s difficult to do that until I move out and I’m trying to save money right now + I’m going through a legal family matter with them. I have put my foot down many times and she care…
Honestly, I’d rather not sue them because that’s too big a step to make for me. They have irritating parts of their personalities but I still care for my parents. I’m working my way on eventually moving out, though, so that’s the hope that’s keeping me grounded for now. But that’s good that it works for you and your requests for protecting your privacy are handled swiftly and with respect by your lawyer.
I get that.
Last week i told my mom we aren’t going to speak to each other negatively any more
I understand you, I think I wouldn’t sue my parents too if they ever did something similar. Maybe an honest talk about the legal aspect could create some awareness. Sending you strength and hugs, it’s difficult