907 days. That was amazing what you pulled off. And I truly respect your ability to be able to come clean and honest on what happened last night. Good of you to learn from this and move forward.
You are right. Alcohol has no value and the pleasure it offers is simply an illusion. But the trap is so cunning. Iām sorry you had to learn that the hard way.
For myself, glamorizing my DOC is, at least, an orange cautionary flag for me. In fact, my sobriety is best measured by the state of my mind rather than my behavior.
For instance, last week, my mindās toxicity level went to level 5 last week. I was working at a gig and I got triggered when some drunk ladies were flirting with me, and I lost custody my eyes a handful of times. Was it a slip or relapse? No. But I recognized that my toxicity level was in the orange cautionary area and I knew I had to tone my mind down. After a few successful level 4 days, and also re-reading EasyPeasy, which is EasyWay for porn addiction, I was able to recover.
My point is our thoughts are important. Every action originates in the heart. We think it before we do it. So itās not just important for me to avoid acting out physically. I also need to demonstrate that Iām also sober of mind. If I start to fantasize or oggle, then itās time for me to access why Iām placing value on my worthless DOC.
I did the same after 2years and 8months sober I drank for 3days Donāt beat yourself up learn from it im back to 96days using my slip to make my sobriety stronger you can do the same we lose or we learn I choose to learn Good luck on the next part of your journey
Thanks for sharing @emc2018. You donāt know how many folks you helped by being straight up and honest about what happened. You sure helped me and Iām sure you helped yourself as well. Iām sorry for what happened but this thread is a great guide for us all how to pick up the pieces or how to keep going. One day at a time. Wishing you all success.
A thought from me to you and to all is to never go it alone. We need our fellows. We need people close who know the deal. For the rest of our lives. Be it here, be it in a fellowship, be it with friends who share the same experiences. Trying to cope with life on my own is what got me addicted in the first place. Never again.
Hi my friend! Iāll echo all the words said here. Iām glad it was a one night deal. Youāve helped me along with all the others in this thread stay sober. Ericās āIām not drinking today, and probably not tomorrowā helps me stay in the day. Keep posting those beautiful photos and stay the course. I really appreciate you.
It was the desire to be normal that got me too. I think its what gets most of us.
It all started with thoughts.
Thoughts like these.
Eventually I acted upon them. I had 9 years, 10 months of continuous sobriety when I did.
I had put a lot of thinking into it before I took that first drink. I felt like I was strong enough to walk away if it didnāt work out. If my experiment didnāt work out, I would just put it down and pick up where I left off. No big deal. I felt like I needed to do this.
I drank successfully the first time. I drank two 24 oz beers with a 6% alcohol content. Nothing bad happened. It was a Saturday night.
Monday night was my AA home group meeting. I had service positions there. I rarely missed that meeting. At the time, I was opening the meeting. Making coffee, setting up chairs and tables picking a chairperson or being the chairperson. I was also treasurer.
I had good, close friends at that meeting. Oldtimers that had been my mentors for years, newer people that I had mentored. This had been my home group for seven years. I felt comfortable. I trusted most of its members. I always felt safe when I walked through those doors.
All of that changed when I went to the meeting after drinking a couple of beers. I felt uncomfortable, I felt fake. I finished the meeting, and I helped clean up. I handed in my treasurer folder and resigned from all my service positions without any explanation. I didnāt want to hear what anyone would have to say. I got out of there as quickly as I could. I walked away from those friendships. I didnāt look back.
Even though I put a lot of thought into taking that first drink and felt that I was smart enough to not let alcohol control me ever again. It took control. It alienated me from my strongest support. Nothing bad happened the evening I drank, but two days later I left my support behind. I did this sober.
From there, my alcoholism had me. I continued to drink. I broke every rule I had made for myself in regard to drinking. Within a couple of months, I was drinking every day. It was hard to surrender to recovery the first time. It became impossible for me to do it again. I had to make drinking work for me. I couldnāt fail.
One of the biggest obstacles I made for myself was not appreciating lesser amounts of sober time.
For example, during my eight-year relapse, I did attempt recovery a few times. 30, 60, and ninety days meant shit to me because I had been sober for nearly ten years. I made it 87 days once. That was my record until I found this place.
I made it to seven months. I had a short relapse very similar to yours. and I havenāt drank since. I like to call that my final relapse. I kept saying the last time I relapsed this happened, or that happened when I relapsed another time. It sounded like I was giving myself permission to do it again.
Now I call it my final relapse because thatās what I want it to be. Even though itās not a guarantee that I will never drink again. It helps me stay stronger. We need all the help we can get.
I appreciate my milestones, even though Iām not even close to that ten-year mark. I recognize and appreciate the time I have. I acknowledge that all any of us really have is today. There were times in my long-term sobriety that I felt like I would never drink again. I did. I try and focus on staying sober today. One day at a time.
During my active participation in recovery for almost ten years, I learned a lot. I know recovery language, I could be sky high on meth and 14 beers into a bender and speak fluid recovery.
I have learned that it doesnāt matter what I know. It matters what I do. I have to practice it. Not just speak it. I believe in the daily reprieve Alcoholics Anonymous talks about. I do something every day to keep me focused on recovery.
Chapter Three of the big book explains us perfectly. It helps me stay focused. I share this frequently and I listen to it again every time I share it. I need this information pounded into my thick skull frequently. It helps me accept that one drink is too many. I relate to this chapter 100% Its pure recovery gold!
Be kind to yourself. You havenāt failed. Your still here. Youāre still fighting. You have gained a better understanding of your condition.
Iām glad youāre here @emc2018 , and Iām glad for this opportunity to get to know you better!
Life is about growth - flowers grow, animals grow, life grows.
Humans grow too. The thing about humans is we have mental and social and self-realization and emotional layers that are almost infinitely deep (and amazing and wondrous). Weāre complex creatures. Weāre always adventuring and creating and finding meaning.
Donāt give up. Search for that meaning and search for your growth. Find people who challenge you and push yourself to try something new. You deserve a full, rich life
Hi @emc2018 , nice to hear you again:) i would also say that donāt be so hard on yourself. I donāt say that relapsing is a good thing when you want to live a life without alcohol. 900 days sober is a great acchieviment to my point of view, my best is one month this autumn during the last five years. Being sober is not a competition to count days, still the longer the better. 900 days without this unneccesary poison we donāt need has given recovery to your whole body and mind, every cell you have.
Huge respect and gratitude to you for posting.
I have sailed close to a relapse today and this has really helped me.
Iām going to say try to take it as a positive. Itās all about perspective. You needed to see how you felt about it, and now you know. Itās made you feel lousy. You hate that youāve done it. You donāt want to do it again. You now know for sure that you want a sober life.
Brilliant.
Youāre one step ahead of me. Now you know for sure. Now itās not a case of counting days, or trying to get back to where you were before. Now you just donāt drink, and you know you never want to drink again. The number doesnāt matter, so get that monkey off your back and just focus on moving forward without the doubt.
You could look back on this and be hugely grateful for it in the future.
Forgive yourself and hop on the wagon ASAP.
Youāve made GREAT progress and donāt let one slip make you forget it.
Just get back on and continue the good work.
Thanks, Jason! Iāve been following you and your story on here ever since I joined, fascinated by your resilience and impressed by your continued commitment to your sobriety despite your setbacks. Youāve been a great help to me, especially here, now with this post. I know now that those thoughts are really scary ones, for where they lead is a dark and desperate place I never want to return too. I hope, having had this experience twice now, that I can take away the important lessons theyāve taught me, with a deep seated understanding that sober life is always going to equal my best, happiest, peaceful, serene life. Knowing that I wonāt be feeling joyful and happy all the time, but Iāll certainly be better off facing those days sober than not! Iāve decided I need to revisit the Big Book and also look at my recovery and learn what more day to day work can be done. I donāt want to go through this again, itās truly devastating. Thanks again, friend. I appreciate you taking the time to write : )
You made it back here thats the important thing and to remember do something and work on our recovery every day like Jason just shared here to remember that weāre never completely out of the woods, just a drink away from the same madness that consumes us and is this disease, alcoholism. My last 3 drunks were chaos just utter madness, but neccessary for me to realize that i cant have a drop without pregressing even further along in my condition. I planned to do some controlled drinking and just moderate, knowing all too well that isnt possible for me and thats how the story goes for many, until we figure out how to work our recovery daily we make it through just today. I wish you well and just keep coming back here to help along the journey. were all in the same sinking ship if were stuck in our substance abuse alone, but together here we cling to life.
Thanks @Mephistopheles Iām sorry to hear about your friends relapse itās really awful, to suffer this disease like we do. But Iām feeling grateful right now to be here and apart of this amazing sober community. The support, words and thoughts everyone has given me is truly amazing and exemplary of the kindness found in groups of ppl who share their pains and struggles.
I will do my best to not forget. Right now, it feels deeply etched as itās still fresh, but I now know that with time it will fade and I will have to be vigilant and aware. Itās definitely time for me to put in the work again, and Iām going to do whatever it takes to stay sober. Alcohol is poison and I donāt want it in my body. Iām take this one day at a time, as I have done before, which is where I found my success and Iām going to lean on other, wiser sober ppl. I will say No to the drink that matters, the first one. I wish Iād done that 2 days agoā¦ but it was too far gone in my mind, Iād made a decision and I wasnāt going to budge. Feel like a fool now. Onwards and upwards though.
Thanks again for taking the time to write, I appreciate it a lot!
Iām so glad itās helped you, that makes me feel good, thank you. Please know weāre on the same step. Thatās the beauty of this community, my fuckup can be your realisation and prevention from your own. Because, believe me, there is NOTHING good about how I feel right now, having had 2 and half years without drinking alcohol, then to think Iād be able to control it and be okay, only to end up so drunk I was blackout and had my friends look after me and ensure I didnāt hurt myself (Apparently, I did fall off a chair and hit my head on the side of the coffee tableā¦. Far out hey, couldāve been fatal!) my friend caught me up on everything the next day (Yesterday) and told me how worried she was. I was SO embarrassed. I feel SO shit. The hangover was fking miserable and I desperately wanted life to end. Thankfully, I came here and opened up to you guys and owned it amd itās helping me get through. Resetting my timer was hard, and I feel like a phoney now, but Iām not going to let this last 2.5yrs go to waste; Iām not going to let my life go back to that misery. I know now, for sure, thatās itās NOT worth it. My life is infinitely better without alcohol. Please know that yours is too
In my long term sobriety run, I read the Big Book many times. I read it with others. I went to Big Book study meetings. I feel as though I had a really good understanding of it.
The beginning of Chapter 3 was read as part of the opening of a meeting I attended frequently during the first two years I was sober. When I started attending my 90 meetings in 90 days quest. This meetings name on the schedule was No Rules. It sounded perfect. It was at 10pm every day, 7 days a week. They read Chapter three every night following the 12 steps and twelve traditions.
Some of service work that I like to do is read the opening literature. I read Chapter 3 out loud to a group of 20-30 people at least 100 times. it was a lot more than that, Iām sure.
There are two sentences that went right over my head. It never rang. It was right in front of my face the whole time, yet I never grasped it.
Chapter 3:
MOST OF US have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed.
We alcoholics are men and women who have lost the ability to control our drinking. We know that no real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervalsāusually briefāwere inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that alcoholics of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness. Over any considerable period, we get worse, never better.
This!
We learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery.
It says this is the first step. The step before the 12 steps.
Fully concede to my innermost selfā¦
WTF does that mean? It sounds like surrender to me.
They talk about surrender in step one a lot. I get it. I surrender to being powerless over alcohol and my life is unmanageable. Iām not having fun anymore. I donāt want to do this. Yeah, I surrender.
For me it was, I surrender now but maybe later I will try again. I lost this battle but Iām going to pick up a new strategy when itās convenient. I will win this war!
Conceding is surrendering forever. The war is over. I lost. No new strategies. No more trying to outsmart alcoholism. One is too many. It doesnāt matter how much fun I used to have. The party is over.
I remind myself to concede when I do have cravings. I still get them. I still mindfuck myself more often than Iād like. I am getting better at recognizing it and re-directing my thoughts.
We are going crabbing tomorrow, so I went to get bait. Skipper was lit. My best drinking buddy\good friend\now coworker was lit. Skippers girlfriend was lit. We got bait, and a check. Skipper was going to pay us, so I was stuck hanging out while they were partying. They were telling me that since I quit drinking I should be ok with a little recreational cocaine or Adderall and how fun it would be if we were all doing a little recreational cocaine.
My first reaction was how fun that sounded. Followed quickly with redirected thinking.
I thought about this thread today as they were drinking my favorite beer making it look pretty fun. I was really happy to see you posted and that you seem grounded and focused on recovery.
Skipper got too drunk to write the checks. He couldnāt do the math. His girlfriend is super annoying when she drinks. Skipper got pretty annoying too. I know my friendās life. Alcohol has brought him nothing but misery for years. Drinking was not attractive by the time I left.
We close my home group meeting with the readings the Promises(9th step) and the Lords Prayer always leave feeling so much lighter comforted, and its a great feeling that keeps me going back.
sending you love, hugs and joy.
Good luck on the next part of your journey
were all in the same sinking ship if were stuck in our substance abuse alone, but together here we cling to life.
itās really awful, to suffer this disease like we do. But Iām feeling grateful right now to be here and apart of this amazing sober community. The support, words and thoughts everyone has given me is truly amazing and exemplary of the kindness found in groups of ppl who share their pains and struggles.
