I can see how much you regret this. I think anyone would, in your shoes.
My advice is two things:
- Hang out here on Talking Sober and read some of the wisdom from threads and people that are focused on sustained recovery. You will notice patterns. It will challenge you to take responsibility. It will seem foreign, because addiction is a selfishness and chaos, and recovery is about participation and order. It will be the exact opposite of what your habits tell you to do. You will not want to do it. Still, do it.
- Find a recovery program and join it: Resources for our recovery has many, and if you search addiction recovery, Alcoholics Anonymous, SMART Recovery, etc etc online you will find lots of free meetings. There are also thousands of online meetings. You are never far from a meeting, 7 days a week, 365 days a year, and at these meetings you will find people who understand and programs that work (if you do the work).
You have hurt people close to you and there is nothing you can say to make it better. Getting sober - in a sustained way, through meaningful change and participation in recovery communities - is the action which will change your life, and therefore also the relationships you have with others.
This is about making yourself right for yourself. It’s not about other people (even though it may feel that way).
Take it one step at a time, keep an open mind, and stay focused. Reach out to people here on Talking Sober and read up and try new things, and find a recovery community or group to join. Resist the urge to run to your addiction and instead, reach out to people in your recovery circle. Call them. Text them. Anytime.
You’ve ripped the fabric of your relationships. Addiction is destruction. Recovery - sustained recovery and growth - is about learning to weave. You need to learn to weave (through recovery), and stop being destructive (in addiction).