Well I relapsed. Big time. Binged for a week. Jeopordizing potentially my job, my health again, my mental state. I am trying desperately to step away from that needle. I am trying to figure out what went wrong this time. What triggered me. It can be something as simple as a speck of dirt that reminds me of my drug of choice. A few other notes. I did not go to a 12 step meeting and had put it off on my calendar for the following week which was too late. I did not check in daily here for support and engage myself into sober living. I have some work to do. After really discouraged feelings, I am trying hard to tell myself that we do recover that even though I’m down in the dirt I will learn what things I did wrong and try again immediately. So with a heavy heart and so worried about things I have no control over right now, I am heading out the door for a meeting. I want recovery, I need recovery, this is hard work the hardest in my life as a true mental obsession has taken over everything in my life. Note this is my second time going to a meeting. I went to one 3 months ago and I completely broke down in front of everyone. It was embarrassing and set me back a bit. I definitely feel like I have acceptance a bit more under control but we will see. I am desperate. I am powerless thus can not do this alone. 12 step is going to be an intrigual part of this process for me. I made it the supporting work for my recovery plan.
Good to hear you’re going back to meetings. Very few people get it right first time but keep going
Glad you made it back. Not everyone does but we’re the lucky ones. Immerse yourself into recovery because your life depends on it.
Don’t ever feel embarrassed for breaking down during a meeting. We’ve all done it. Everyone in that room knows your pain. You’re amongst family there. Myself and many others appreciate your vulnerability when you share from the heart. I was always told…“a closed mouth never gets fed.” Keep being your true authentic self. Find a sponsor and start working the program immediately.
Wishing you the best on you journey!
Many meetings ,sponsor ,phone numbers , put in the effort and the rewards will come wish you well
Yes!!! Something like this was said at a meeting last night. Basically that if we aren’t being vulnerable, open and sharing where we are TRULY at that our chance of recovery is slim because the things we want to keep to ourselves are often the things we just keep stuffing back down inside until we go back out again because we overflow. I like way you put that. A closed mouth doesn’t get fed. 
For those of us who always were taught to “suck it up” or “man up” it’s HARD to let it out but man, we don’t have to keep making ourselves sick trying to keep it in. It kills us in ALL the ways if we do.
I’m glad you’re here and going to a meeting. Not only do you not have to do it alone, we aren’t meant to. My best thinking kept me sick and landed me where I was. It was time to try a new way and that’s where I began to find true recovery.