Hey, I am sorry you’re feeling this way. When I first went into recovery from bulimia, the self-hate was high. My changing body was scary. I felt like an alien in my own skin.
I think unless you’ve had an eating disorder, it’s difficult to understand. It’s a bit different to alcoholism in the sense you have to eat, you have to face your fear every day, or you die.
You can’t feel fat. This is important. You can feel angry, sad, nervous, scared, but not fat. Fat is just a thing we all have, and fat doesn’t equal bad person.
You need to work on your brain. It’s lying to you, it’s starved, it’s panicked. I really REALLY REALLY reccomend speaking to your doctor and looking for CBT. We can all say kind words, but you must wanna help yourself. I know this sounds hard, but it’s tough love. I only got help when I was on death’s door - I couldn’t have got help sooner because I didn’t want to.
Also, read. I devoured books on body politics, anti diets, feminism, all that stuff. Books that spoke how our bodies are war zones, how our bodies are often weaponised, and they spoke about ways to counteract these negative brain patterns.
Make sure you’re eating and sleeping. Again, I’ve said this before, you cannot no matter what diet. Ever. Again. Three meals a day, doctors, sleep, some movement, books. And a load of effort xxxx