I am so fat

I am so fat. I hate myself. I want to cut. I want to starve myself until I get skinny af.I hate my fucking body. I want to fucking die. I am so fucking fat. why why why.

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If you’re fat I’m obese, I know it’s how you feel about yourself and no matter how many times I tell you your not it’s your mindset right now. Why do you feel like you’re fat?

You are not fat. You are hearing your addiction talking. My addiction used to tell me “you can drink. Your Mom died. You told the doctors to shut off the machine. Better to drink than face the grief.” Or, “you are a veteran. You served your country in war. You earned your drinking”.

These were half-truths, spun by my addiction to get what it wanted: alcohol.

I think your addiction is telling you the same sorts of lies, just in a different language than mine.

Don’t give in. Be better. Be healthy. Healthy means eating. Healthy means not self-harming. Healthy means looking at yourself in the mirror, and saying “I am getting better, and I am not listening to the lies, anymore”.

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Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time. I don’t know much about eating disorders and self harm… But I know that you are worth more than how you look and what you eat. Keep reaching out here, as well as any support networks you have IRL, there is always someone to listen :heart:

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These are all things I said when I was active in my anorexia, and things I still feel today. Like @Yoda-Stevie says above, this is your addiction talking.

Have you connected with any of the resources people have recommended on your other threads?

Are you able to get outside and out of your head for a bit? I took lots of long, long walks when I was getting better.

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Do you want to be skinny to feel better about your body or because you just want to starve it? When I am tempted to fall back into disordered eating, sometimes it’s because I want to lose weight, and sometimes it’s because I want to punish myself.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like right now you’re feeling so miserable that you want to self-destruct in all the familiar ways.

You may hate your body, but your body is what is keeping YOU here, alive, with us and everyone in your life. That’s why we all want you to take care of your body, despite how you feel. If I drank to feel better about something, it would damage my body and I would soon be feeling worse again. Same thing with cutting and starving myself - even if they did make me (or you) feel better, it only damages the body and doesn’t help your emotions feel better in the long term, it’ll only get worse if you give in.

I’m glad you came to talk again before doing anything, because we all want to support you and see you get better.

You don’t have to solve everything in your life right this very second. How about we think of something to help your emotions be less overwhelming right now? Something that isn’t harmful to your body.

You’ve made it through hard times like these so many times! Despite how you feel, that says to me that you are strong and determined to get through this. Try tapping into that part of yourself. The part of you that is desperately trying to defend and protect the parts of you that hurt so much.

Everything you are hearing is your eating disorder talking. Those thoughts are not what is real. Talk to yourself as you would to someone you at least like. You would never wish those thoughts and harm on another human being.

Try to slow your breath. Can you go for a walk? Try to get outside those thoughts of harm?

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@Paola_Sciuto I’m sorry your having a difficult time right now. I dont want to overstep but I need to ask you if you are planning to kill yourself? Are you alone? Can you call someone you trust? A friend or family member? Call a support line? It must be horrible to feel this way. It is your addiction talking. Things can get better and they will get better. It takes time and work. I believe in you. We are so glad you are here. Please keep posting and reaching out, we love having you here. :heart:

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You have body dysmorphia… you are not fat my love but in the mirror you see a distorted version of your body that is not the beautiful one that everyone else sees. I don’t know what to say other than I am acknowledging that beating eating disorders and cutting at the same time must be so fucking hard. I’m sorry that you are feeling like this. Is there a doctor or psychiatrist you can talk to?

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She has an eating disorder and should absolutely not diet… she needs to put food in her body and try to not obsessively count every calorie that goes into it or cut herself because she feels guilty for eating.

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Agreed. I held off on saying anything because I know @LyLyC is well intentioned and I didn’t know how to calmly address it at the time.

I think the advice on diet was potentially dangerous in this kind of eating disorder context. Encouraging more focus on what someone with an eating disorder should eat, if you are not giving advice as a doctor or dietitian to address health risks, is risky and can make the mental side of it much harder to deal with.

When I was 120 lbs and dropping at 5’9", and still not eating, my path back to giving my body what it needed pivoted on stopping my obsessions about what was going into my body. In my case, I didn’t have grievous nutrient deficiencies, but if I didn’t start putting calories in my body I was looking down a road towards organ damage and heart failure. I took small manageable steps towards healthy eating, which started with basically following advice of “Just start eating, regardless of what it is.” Some days I’d only want to eat greens. Some days I’d just eat cravings only, no matter how unhealthy. From there I was able to soften my thinking around eating, and start eating normally. This isn’t advice for other people with eating disorders, but an example of how I needed to stop worrying about what I eat in order to recover.

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@Paola_Sciuto I can’t remember whether you’ve mentioned before about if you’ve seen any kind of doctor or psychiatrist about this already, but I think it would be a HUGE help, if you can be open with them about everything that’s going on for you. I don’t know if I could have recovered very much at all from self harm and especially eating disorders, if it hadn’t been for getting medical help.

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I am so sorry to read that you are struggling.

These feelings of being fat, of hating yourself and wanting to self-harm – none of these are based in reality, these thoughts are your addictions/eating disorders whispering, perhaps shouting, at you.
My anxiety used to be the same way, it was a constant negative internal monologue. I was very, very mean to myself and I often wouldn’t even realize it. It still happens sometimes, and I still work on it. But, what can help is to watch your internal monologue, actively catch those negative thoughts and discredit them, to recognize them for what they are: fallacies. It helped me, at least. Maybe something worth trying.

I am pulling for you, I really am. You are worthy of and deserve happiness!

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I understand that’s what you meant, and I think the diet you are proposing has many health benefits and I don’t have an issue with it as a diet.

What I do have an issue with is suggesting directly or indirectly to someone with an eating disorder that they should eat one way or another. In the case of an eating disorder, this borders on giving out medical advice on the nutritional side of things, and doesn’t address the fact that eating disorders are generally psychiatric in nature. And feeding more shoulds or shouldn’ts to someone with an eating disorder can just add more fuel to the fire on the psychiatric side of things. I say just leave it to health professionals to say if there’s a certain way someone with an ED should eat. I’m sure they have access to the same peer reviewed articles you do.

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I’m not sure I follow. I didn’t say anything about veganism. When I mentioned wanting to eat only greens I meant simply that. I had a twisted view of food where green foods felt “safest”. Had nothing to do with veganism or plant based diets or any other diet.

Also I’d be more ready to attribute her success with eating disorders to changing her attitude about food, which then led her to being able to accept following a healthy diet that worked for her.

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Do we need to start a separate thread for eating disorder discussion? This thread is about supporting Paola.

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@Paola_Sciuto. I know there is nothing I can say to make anything you feel better. When I was a young man I lost Maggie. I loved Maggie, we were to have a life forever. I lost Maggie to an eating disorder. Maybe it doesnt feel like it, but I promise there are people out there that love you like that. Do you have a counselor? Done a program or therapy. You dont have to feel this way, there is hope. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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@Paola_Sciuto how are you holding up, dearheart?

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I still don’t understand why you think I’m talking about veganism. And I don’t have a problem with you recommending ways of eating (WFPB included) you think will be helpful, in general. I’m trying to explain why recommending any strategy, manner, method of eating, whether or not it’s considered a diet, to someone with an ED can be harmful.

sigh maybe you and I can try to understand each other better over PM @LyLyC?

@Paola_Sciuto I’m sorry for starting a discussion that littered your thread. Hope you’re feeling better soon.

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