I knew my childhood trauma would alter my perception, my brain chemistry and my social interactions and until I was about 17 it did …
.
Despite being good in school
Despite having a moral code
We dont have to havw these things and people go on to be presidents or probably mainly drug dealers and the sort.
So i decided i would ensuee that for as long as i could i wouls keep certain things and people away from me
But there comes a time when you just want to be a part of something and as an african american gay male i lacked all kinds of a social network…people kept me at a distance because i ensured that even if inlet you in I never let you close and i never fell in love.
That changed when i was introduced to meth
I could whistle
I could climb a tree
I made an oath to never trade my body for what i now call drano
Yes i tried to control how i go high
And it worked until i start being able to see through the tv.
For once i grasped science math and space.
I could turn the radio on with my mind.
Until i found out all i was doing was disassociating and i had been nearly my entire life.
I alsso found out its the reason why im 45 and clean to this day…because my personality or personalities adapt to the situations that i deem uncomfortable…
I can sit alone for 5 hours
I can sing every song and know the words just as random as ever.
Disassociation is not a bad thing
Putting drano into the mix is and sometimes i feel as in persceiption medicines are just as harmful but are tolerable as time goes by.
Sure i get bored
I want a hug
I want friends
But i wont sacrifice my personality …my clean time or my safety to have any of it…