Hey guys and gals. I recently came back to the forums from a year long hiatus. I didnt even make it a full 3 days before drinking again. These past few days i continued to question my desire for sobriety. I know i don’t like being sick, i know i take time away from my son when im drinking, and i know its healthier for me physically and mentally if im sober…but for some reason i really lack motivation and conviction. Ive suffered the consequences that most on this forum have but it hasnt shook me right. What is it going to take? Something catastrophic? How do you find that sense of purpose that breeds dedication? I like to think im a good person but i cant help but think if i cant be a better person for those around me i must be a really shit person. How do i stop being so wish washy on the whole thing? I know thats an i intensely personal thing i need to discover for myself but im afraid my selfish desires will keep me from reaching that level of enlightenment, if that makes any sense…am i really that bad of a dad? That i can sit there and drink knowing its going to steal important development from my son? I claim that my son is my reason for living but im not driven enough to stop drinking? Maybe i am just a worthless shit. What kind of man knows that his drinking is hurting others he loves so dearly and continues to turn a blind eye? Sometimes i think id end it all if i wasnt worried about the impact itd have on my son…but then how can i say that when i constantly pick the bottle over him? Fuckin A man. Im so sick of this battle. But apparently not enough. Itd just be easier if i didnt have to make these decisions. But thats life and maybe its better for those close to me if my ungrateful and undedicated ass wasnt around.
Man I thought the same way I ralapsed 100 times in 5yrs all kinds of drugs drinking just gave me courage to do those drugs. So I would stay clean up to 14 days and than relapsed that lasted 5yrs. And one day I realised I’m sick my brain is not well the drugs have taken over but theirs a chance I can rewire my brain and you need to stay sober to rewire your brain. I’m at 4.55 days let’s do it together, I know I like my self better when I’m sober I’m cleaner I’m more social I have more energy I smell better lol fuck it I want sober I want to be in control again.
Those are the hardest days for real. Your brain is going through chemical withdrawal in that first 72 hours, that’s why youre having a hard time. Hit up a AA meeting, listen to sobriety podcasts, read sobriety books, exercise, binge on Netflix, do whatever you can to stay busy. It gets waaay easier, hang in there. You are worth it.
You really do have to do it for yourself. Not for your son, your family, anyone else. You have to want to do it for YOU. When I want to drink, I write a pros and cons list. What is the positive outcome of drinking? What is the negative? I find that the negatives always outweigh the positive and I like myself and my life a whole lot more when I’m sober. It truly is different on a day to day basis. Some days will be easier than others, but all you have to do is make it through that day. I wake up and say “today I will stay sober.” and I conquer it one day at a time. Try not to beat yourself up. Community is something that has also really helped me focus on why I want to be sober. It’s easy to get stuck in your own head. Being around like minded folks to remind you of why you want this for yourself is a game changer. I do outpatient and a few meetings a week, along with personal therapy and it’s really helped. You got this!
I have dual addictions because of my panic attacks unfortunately. I just don’t want to feel nothing anymore cause when I do feel I don’t know what I’m feeling and I start to panic. So drinking, fetynal, steroids, methadone, gambling, and benzos was my daily go to. The drinking I actually quit because my liver started dying. The best way I found to quit was taper. If I didn’t taper I most likely wouldn’t have quit. I was able to taper to a point we’re my body felt little sickness. For me it is still the panic that is causing issues in my life because I’m starting to feel things I never felt or over 17 years. But the taper on alachol I kept lowering my amount ever week which was hard because of cravings but, I drank even when I didn’t feel like it so the taper was on time and affective. I just now started quitting fetynal on day 2 but I have a feeling cravings are going to snatch me back in. I feel that counseling and Psychiatrist is needed to quit any addiction because if your not mentally right, you will be what they call a dry drunk. Maybe this helps you, maybe not but some people it takes a event to scare us back straight. I would get sober for yourself honestly. I tried the kid and wife exscuse but at the end of the day my exscuse were what led me to drinking in the first place.
Me too @Tom_D! I’ve battled 45 years and these last weeks have been struggling.
I woke up this morning with the idea of just being content with what’s happening, not to get anxious and self-condemning.
We’re in this together, hang in there!
Hi Tom. If you keep relapsing, you could try some of these suggestions.
I highly recommend checking in daily to keep focus in the checking daily to maintain focus thread.
I also recommend finding some activities to fill time like, running, cycling, working out, meditation/mindfulness, crafts, drawing, reading etc.
Mindfulness is also great of letting go of past shame and guilt since it teaches you to let your thoughts pass without giving them any attention.
This is a weird suggestion, but I recommend giving your addiction a name. Sobriety became easier for me once I named my addiction Brutus. It is no longer an enemy hiding in the shadows now, but now I know my enemy and now I can fight it better.
I also recommend reading on this forum a lot on this forum and asking questions if you have any.
You can make sobriety a lot easier. It’s really hard to think about staying sober for the rest of my life. If I think, do I want to stay sober for the rest of my life? I think hell no. But I can and want to stay sober for today. The next day, I also think I can stay sober for today. and so on.
Don’t think about not using for life but think about not using today. Do that every day, and it gets way easier. If you are very deep in the shit, you can even think, I’ll stay sober the next 5 minutes.
Don’t listen to your mind, your mind will not stop being a dick, it will be a dick less and less, but it will never fully stop being a dick.
If you have cravings, just play the tape. By that I mean, pretend that you abuse again, then try foreseeing the future. Will it be all butterflies and roses, because you feel so awesome when relapsing, or will it be shame, self-disgust and disappointment you feel.
When your mind tells you that you can use once, that’s bullshit, the biggest bullshit ever. Your addiction just tries to find a way to get satisfied.
I also recommend following the twelve step-program with a sponsor.
I hope this helps
Good luck, you’ve got this. 
Hi Tom maybe try a zoom meeting might help. the Demon drink its hard when you know that your doing wrong and you know deep down a sober dad is what your son wants , its down to you your decision through my experience cant do this alone have to get a good network around you wish you well
I really appreciate the advice and suggestions. I’ll definitely give all of them a try. I’ll also look into the zoom meetings. I wasnt aware of those until now.