I could use your feedback on the subject of resentment, loneliness and anger

Emotional Support
1

Hello all,
I want , well need actually, your advice on the subject that is most in the way of my ability to live sober again.
Resentment and Anger around getting help/support.

I have so much anger in me towards others. Resentment for being abused, abandoned, raped… all when young. But the resentment round my current living situation triggers all this enormouw anger that is starting to take me over everyday with only one outcome, hurt mself or binge. because I can not voice my anger without losing more.

Just like many my life was not a walk in the park. but I always managed. I was strong, fit, intelligent and very independent since I was 18 years old. I have my own house, had a good career, some friends… I managed even with childhood trauma.
But now I got sick over the last few years I had to learn to ask for help. But that does not work out. Everybody sees me struggling, blames my family for not being there for me. or blame others. telling me I need to ask for more help. but no one helps… And it is something I can not understand. I would always help people that are dear or close to me. over the years now being sick I know I should not count on people to help me or be treated the way I treat others. the knowing is there… it is what it is…

But the anger is all consuming and is literaly going to kill me in mater of weeks if i go down this path. My health is realy compromised now. and some days I collapse and pass out… dangerous. A few times I called a friend who was realy angry i never asked for help. so I did. she told me she was tired and went to bed And I have been laying on the cold floor for a night until I was able to move again… and now she says the trust is broken.

the resentment towards people that made me believe that I will never be good enough to deserve love is so extreem and turning towards myself. and the more I work with it, like with meditation, therapy, mindfullness, shadow or inner child work. the more it grows and the more dangerous it becomes. Now to a level for the last few weeks that every contact with people turns at the end of the day in self destructive behaviour.

I know I have to accept the things I can not change or control. but How do I find a way with this destruction taking over me?

Can you please share your perspective on this with me?

Because I do not deserve to treat myself like this. actually, I do not have the right to destrcut myself when fighting a deadly disease… I am totally out of control with anger and would never never treat another person like this.

and maybe it is my inflamed brain due to the illness and we are working on that. but in the meantime. I am in danger

I have never been more scared in sharing something. But I need to give myself this chance to change

4 Likes
3

Yes I have all 3, how can I help? :roll_eyes:

1 Like
5

:wink: can you share? maybe how you deal with it? mostly what helped / helps you stay sober and safe while dealing with it. because I know it will take a long time. I kept this bottled up for 40 years so there must be a reason it comes up now and is not going to be bottled up again…

1 Like
6

thank you. I am definitely in that phase now. and I have never felt so powerless. even trying to brush my teeth makes me so violent. every word, action, stimuli from the outside world is to much.

1 Like
7

Maybe indeed take step 4 again with a different perspective…
I have been on the waiting list for help for over 3 years now and am being rejected everywhere because of the lack of support. and can not go internally because I was traumatised in an institution. And now there is the exhaustion of my physical illness that makes I am to weak for therapy and now on new waiting lists for support at home until the hospital has a treatment and hopefully cure. This proces is taking at least 6 months… And I do not know if i can make it for 6 months.
I need absoluut rest and no stress whatsover… and look at the situation I have gotten myself into… hahaha.

[quote=“Fargesia_murielae, post:4, topic:84327, full:true”]
You mention it yourself :

That’s just your own belief, your interpretation of what happens externally.

Thát is what you need to adress.

That is true but also literaly what i heard always. you are dutch right. My dad told me serveral times. “als ik je doodbloedend in de goot tegen zou komen zou ik je een trap nageven en hopen dat je sterft”

ok. i know. he is an addict but hearing that as a child is something you can mentally block but it finds its way into your body and stays.

thank you for your honest advise. the forgiving myself part hits me so I have to do womething there…
and will get out my stepswork to take a look at step 4 again.

1 Like
8

sorry, what I wrote was me being sarcastic bc right now I’m not the person to help you, I’ve got the words you want to hear but I have recently failed myself so would seem hollow to me personally, one thing I do try and do though is not be my thoughts but watch them instead, try and find where they come from and why they hold power over me, We are not what we think, we are what we decide to be. All these emotions are negative so the trick is to be aware and deliberately change them to positives, laugh when you know you should cry, smile when you don’t want to, stop thinking about the can’t do’s and start thinking about the can do’s. Our brain is a muscle and we have to retrain the weak areas, it takes time but once it begins to hold positives you will find more positives follow and one day there will be little room left for negatives.
Do meditate, spend time with yourself and let go of what you don’t need rattling around in there.

9

Well, you know love. it takes one to know one. so as a fellow that also recently had to drop the ball you might be the best advice now :wink: I have been following you and respect the way you own up and show up. so thank you! and keep up. I am here with you as well

1 Like
10

I was harboring a lot of anger and resentment towards my ex and my (ex) best friend, as well as a few other people…and while I do think that feeling anger is a healthy thing, it can quickly turn into something unhealthy, and lead to numerous other ill feelings, which could lead to a mulititude of other bad feelings and acting in an unhealthy manner to cope with them.

I sat with it for a while, and ended up forgiving those involved for what they did. I’ll never forget, and they are definitely not a part of my life in any way at this point, but I couldn’t continue to let it eat me up inside, because it was starting to affect other aspects of my life.

“Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”

2 Likes
11

thank you for sharing this. I did and tried all the above several times over the years. except for leaving these people out of my life. And maybe that is the thing. No matter what they do, the moment they call me for something I am there and will do whatever needs… so I let myself be raped by the husband of my sister when I was there working on their house and I was so afraid to shout that i fled and did not talk and my sister has been angry with me for years because she thought I bailed on her. I have a few of these ridiculous exaples of how I keep comming back to them. I even sold my hous, moved closer to them hoping they would finally accept me and help me out more. And since I moved I started drinking… reading this almost makes me smile… how stupid can one be. I want to believe so much in a fairy tale ending… maybe wake up and smell the dafodils (to early in season for roses)

1 Like
12

Paul you just said you aren’t Inca good place to be giving advice and I just read your advice it was spot on as usual my friend you too need to stop being so hard on yourself

1 Like
13

yeah you can’t stop me when I get going :joy: :joy:

1 Like