I did some horrible things and don’t see how I can ever come back from them

[Kk64]

I don’t really know where else to turn and I am in a pretty serious emotional crisis and don’t know how I’m going to live with myself again or come back from this.

I started doing opiates when I was 15, it eventually turned into addiction. I got sober at 20. I am 26 now. After I had some clean time it wasn’t difficult and I really loved life.

I have been with my husband for 5 years. He knew I was an addict but he never knew me then and neither of us were worried about it.

Last year I got into a serious car wreck. I had several serious injuries and I was prescribed powerful narcotics for an extended period of time. I was taking more than I should have, running out, and was back into full blown addiction only worse this time.

I got in touch with an old friend of mine in search of drugs. We eventually began a sexual relationship that lasted about 3 months. It was not explicitly for drugs but sort of. I started lying, disappearing, was acting like a different person and felt like one. My drug use escalated to heroin which I had never done before and it brought me further down.

My husband didn’t know what was going on at first and he didn’t know what to do. He found everything out which I lied about of course.

My husband found out where he lived and where I was. He literally dragged me out of there and forced me into a detox center. They got into a fight, it was an absolute disaster.

While I was detoxing it really started to hit me what I had been doing to myself and husband. He was terrified that I was going to die and put narcan in my car and purse. I also betrayed him in such a horrible way that he is severely traumatized.

I did not expect my addiction to come back like this which was stupid but it seemed like it was a lifetime ago and I was a kid.

I feel completely stuck in self hatred, suicidal ideation, and the type of soul crushing depression that makes your body physically hurt. I did some horrifying and disgusting things and I don’t see how I can ever forgive myself. I have destroyed my marriage and husband. We aren’t getting divorced or separating and are in active reconciliation. I am in therapy, go to meetings, am on suboxone and depression meds, outpatient rehab. I can’t seem to get in a better place mentally and have intrusive thoughts that everyone would be better off without me. Who does those things? I feel like I am doing all that I can to get my life back on track but I don’t see how I can ever forgive myself. Can it actually be done and is it honestly worth trying?

[Dazercat]

@Kk64

Can it actually be done and is it honestly worth trying?

Yes it can be done. And it is worth trying.
Miracles do happen in recovery. It won’t be easy. But you can make it happen. And it will take time. ODAAT.
You are worth it. And it definitely sounds like your husband is worth it.

[BLOODSHOTJOKER]

God lives within you and only wants the best for you. It may all seem so dark but from my point of view you are living in the light, and walking out of that darkness. It sounds like you’ve been given a second chance at happiness. Give it all you’ve got, you deserve it and so does your husband.

[Bubonicphoniks]

Just focus on recovery right now. Without that reconcilliation and amends will not be possible. The best thing you can do is focus on recovery and nothing else.

[Earth]

@Kk64

We aren’t getting divorced or separating and are in active reconciliation. I am in therapy, go to meetings, am on suboxone and depression meds, outpatient rehab.

Active reconciliation, don’t forget that. Actively doing what you can to heal. Forgiveness will find you and the moment it does (because it will) let it in. You are worthy and sobriety is worth it. Keep coming back, welcome to a safe space

[LeeHawk]

Oh wow, lady. I wish I could wrap you in my arms in a big mama bear hug. AA for me has helped me get past in a healthy way my feelings of unworthiness and self-hatred. Also my therapist and Aldo participating in this great community. Please stick with us. You are so worthy of compassion and grace.

[Sarahann]

Oh how i have been here The choices i made while using still haunt me, and likely always will. I have forgiven myself tho, and eventually (with a lot of therapy and help) you will too. It sounds like youre doing the work, and even tho sometimes it feels like it will never get better, one day you will think to youself “huh, its been a really good week, i feel a little lighter” and then it becomes longer stretches. When i started therapy i was in the lowest place i could possibly be. I went on antidepressants and weekly therapy sessions and did a lot of focusing on myself and now i dont need the meds anymore. I still have so far to go, but that soul crushing depression is a lot better and the tools i learned from therapy have helped a lot.
It sounds like your husband is willing to forgive you and I imagine that wouldnt be the case if you hadnt been a partner he has loved and cared for in the years before your addiction. You have to find a way to forgive yourself, otherwise no matter how much work you put into your your relationship, there will be a tiny part of you waiting for it all to come crashing down in a heap of self destruction.

Cut yourself some slack, youre doing the hard work now and these painful feelings and realizations are a part of it. Therapy can really suck sometimes, and a lot of times we end up feeling worse after a session than better, but we have to trust the process bc eventually we realize that it really has helped… good luck!

[Maria13]

I never have good advice or meaningful words but I want you to know you are not alone. I have made horrible mistakes. You are not a bad person. Bad people don’t try to make things right.

I think this thought to myself sometimes, If I’m willing to die for my family, than I must be willing to live for them.

U

[Jwfletcher4792]

Thank you for sharing it takes a ton of courage to unload to a community! I definitely have chapters of my life that I look at and wonder who I was and why was I doing the things I did. My decision to get sober for good actually came because I realized after driving home drunk the last time I drank and hanging out in a bar full of people when I should have been at home with my family was eventually going to lead to things you described. It literally scared the hell out of me because my wife is the reason I changed my life. Before I met her I just accepted I was gonna drink a lot and sleep around and never find happiness. Then I met her and for the first time in my life I met someone who didn’t try to change or judge me just genuinely loved me for me. Slowly over time I chose to change myself to be better for her and our kids. I had periods of sobriety before this but ultimately I realized I was running out of miracles to save my ass and needed to be sober to be the best I could be. I came to that crossroad and made a choice. I feel like we all come to a moment like that in our journey it sounds like this could be your moment. You can choose to live in regret, or you can accept forgiveness, especially to yourself! You are worthy of forgiveness and love wishing you peace on your journey!

[mrtda1221]

I think the binge I was on Last Tuesday cost me my relationship of 2 1/2 years. I said some mean shit, I know that I fuck up bad. We talked on Tuesday, I thought that she would be willing to give me another chance to make thing right, we have been talking but this morning was different.

She expressed that she was still mad (totally understandable) not asking her to forget, allow me to redeem myself. Don’t know where things are going to go, but, I decided to take a step back and give her space and work on me.

[SassyRocks]

@mrtda1221

but, I decided to take a step back and give her space and work on me.

This sounds like a solid decision.

[Tedtrevor]

Give yourself time to get in a better mental place, it does come. You’ll forgive yourself. You don’t have to see how right now, but you will if you stay sober. I’m glad your husband dragged you out of there and I’m glad you’re in the process of reconciliation!

[Tinkerbell]

Yes it’s worth trying.

[Chiron]

First of all, I want to say how good it is that you are in therapy, going to meetings, doing outpatient rehab, on meds that can help, and doing active reconciliation with your husband. These things are important to recognize because when a person apologizes for something they’ve done, part of that apology must be actively not doing that thing again. An apology without action is like spritzing fragrance into the breeze. It’s nice for just that one moment, but then its gone like it never existed in the first place.

Everything good and noble is worth trying, and learning to forgive yourself is that. We all have a monster living inside of us that is capable of horrible things in the right (or wrong I suppose) situation. Everyone. Addicts just get to be slapped in the face by that probably more than the average person and its important to remember that monster could return at any time should we cease to be diligent.

When you cut yourself, the body feels a variety of pains depending on the severity of the cut. It does that to let us know there is something wrong that needs to be attended to. Emotional pain, such as guilt, lets us know that something needs to be attended to. Right now you are experiencing an emotional gash–a very deep wounding. You are attending to it so that it doesn’t fester, but those pains will remain for some time. Just like with a physical wound, you may have some scars that never truly go away, but they will act as a powerful reminder to be very careful in the future.

We aren’t meant to hold onto emotional pain forever. Right now your emotional pain is driving you to attend to the wounding. You can’t make the wound go away. It is there. You can’t change what you did, but you can use this experience to figure out how you are going to grow into someone stronger and wiser than the one you were before. When a fire goes through a forest, it seems that all is lost; but the truth is that all is not lost. In time, that forest regrows into something even more beautiful and healthy. It doesn’t happen in a day though. Sometimes it takes years, but it can and does happen.

So it can be with you.

Everything seems as though it has been destroyed past all hope, but try to focus on what you’re doing each day to make amends to those you have harmed (including yourself) and celebrate the successes of each day, no matter how small they might seem. You can’t change the past but you get to decide how you will build your future.

Journaling may be useful to you. There are many ways you could use this tool. Your therapist may be able to work with you on that, though some themes that may prove useful to you may be something where you document the good things you’ve done each day, how you have stuck to your recovery, the progress you make with your husband each day, and listing three good things about yourself each day. Things of that nature can help you focus on your progress and that you do have something to add to the world, that no everyone would not be better off without you, and also later when you read what you’ve written, perhaps you will be able to see that you are “worth” being forgiven because you are not just words, but that concrete actions follow up your apologies.

With that said, welcome to the forum. I hope you will stick around and use this forum as another tool to help you on your way. I wish you all the best going forward. You can do this, and yes it is definitely worth it.