Today,
I’m extremely sad. During this process of me becoming sober I’ve lost many people close to me that always like to go out and have a good time.
Yet, the one that I lost that hurts the most was my best friend.
A friend of 8-9 years. She was my rock.The person I’ve been the closest with in my entire life. I mean we did EVERYTHING together. We had a hard falling out. I sit here looking at all our old pictures and memories and videos and I really miss going out and drinking and being in that scene but MOST of all I miss her. Not sure why I miss it like just quit yesterday.
I’m almost 90 days.
I’ve been doing better with not having that fear of missing out but it’s coming back and feels even stronger.
I gave my best friend a long letter; good and bad.
Overall my letter was about my feelings and how I’ve been affected by our falling out and her actions towards me. She was living with me at the time and she just got up and left. Nothing said back really and no support.
Besides “Yeah you have tried to quit drinking before, good luck, you are unstable.”
We did have a bad experience the last time we were together.
We drank and then got into a huge fight. I made some mistakes and so did she. It got bad to where it become physical. I’m so upset with myself and how I reacted but also upset with how I was treated. I thought so highly of her and I just felt like she didn’t care.how can someone one day say they care so much for you then just treat you like this……
It makes me feel our whole friendship was a lie.
My family and those close at to me tell me she isn’t good for me and people come and go in your life. But, the thing is I didn’t want her to go I wanted her to also be apart of my new lifestyle and find forgiveness within herself as I did for her.
I’m just reaching out for advice and asking for support and guidance during this difficult night where I’m struggling not to pick up a bottle and cry.
You can’t make anyone change. They have to want it for themselves. It doesn’t sound like she does. Sorry to hear about all this. Losing a close friend is always hard. Wanting them back or Wanting a former version of them back. There certainly is always a grieving process. Make sure you actually get through this and don’t turn back to drinking. It will only make things worse as feelings will get pushed aside and build up till they are unbearable. Your friend may not have faith in you but that doesn’t mean a thing. You have to have faith in yourself. Prove her wrong in that aspect. I know everyone in here has faith in you. Trust I’ve been in so many similar situations so i for one an speaking from experience.
cyber hugs I also lost a close friend nearly two years ago and she was my long time friend for more than a decade. We had a falling out for other reasons but it came to the point where we were just two different people going through two different life paths. It helped me to have other trusted people to talk to and to continue focusing on how to improve myself as a person. It’s a shame to let go of a decades old friendship but it was also a blessing in disguise because I feel more at peace with myself because staying friends was like beating a dead horse.
It hurts and it will still hurt occasionally over time, but I hope you never lose sight of growing and healing for yourself. Growing and healing is oftentimes a lonely path even with our support system because we take it on as individuals. Try to be graceful with yourself during this difficult time. It may also help to physically distance yourself from alcohol. Out of sight, out of mind, perhaps.
Your friend is grieving just like you I think. She is missing the old you: her drinking buddy.
What was your friendship without the drinking? Only the future will tell. Maybe you can come together in the future and rebuilt your relationship on different grounds and doing things together without drinking and enjoy eachothers compagny. For now it seems she cannot support you in your recovery. So it’s better to focus on you now and become stronger in your recovery. You said what you needed to say in your letter and that was a brave thing to do!
A big hug for you
Firstly , congratulations on 90 days sober. What a tremendous milestone. You inspire me to get there one day. I agree with @SoberWalker that you both may be grieving the loss of your friendship. She may even feel betrayed, because you’re moving on with your sober journey, but she isn’t ready to do the same. If that’s the case, that is on her, not you. This is a tough time for you. What advice would you give a loved one asking for support with what you’re experiencing? With 90 days in your back pocket, I bet you have some skills and tools to get through this.
If you mean there is alcohol in your house, I would remove it immediately. If not, know that this feeling hurts but is temporary. Keep your head up and keep coming here for support. You’ve got this!
Yeah you’re right I can’t make someone change and it’s not that I want to control that situation but I do wish that things ended better and I just wish that she had a little bit more care for me but her true colors really did truly show in such a hardship of a time for our friendship and you’re right she probably doesn’t have faith in me, but that’s not going to stop me from having faith in myself as I’ve gotten this far and I’m trying to get it further. Thank you.
Yes, it definitely does suck and it’s good to hear from someone that is experienced it even though I do have good support for my boyfriend and family. It does feel lonely from time to time because they don’t understand what I’m going through mentally. It’s been hard since we stopped being Friends but it is still early as it’s only been 90 days I was doing OK at first and I was more angry and I do feel like I am going through a grieving process because now I’m just sad of the way that it ended and as much as I want to message her or try to reach out again and be like hey, let’s try I feel like that she has already shown through her actions that she doesn’t want that anymore as she wants to continue that lifestyle and I don’t. The only thing that sucks is that I just wish that she would be proud of me because her and I have always talked about it together and doing it together and maybe there is some resentment in that that she’s actually seeing me and knows that I’m doing it. I have been staying away from alcohol as it has helped me to not have temptation maybe one day I’ll be able to be in that environment again, but I know for now I don’t have the strength, but I appreciate your words and kindness🩵
Thank you for the big hug, love and kind words. I do agree with you that I feel she is missing out on her drinking buddy. I just wish that she would’ve been supportive in the process and know this is what I needed. I think maybe someday we can be friends again but I definitely don’t want to beg for someone that doesn’t want me unless it revolves around drinking. When you said that, I did take a step back and look at that most of our times together and spending quality time together always did end up with a drink in our hand, so I feel like that’s all we had in common and maybe she is mad that I want to do this for myself and she doesn’t have that strength in her yet. I wish it was different but I know I’m on this path for a good reason.
Thank you!
Yeah, I agreed with them too. I’m glad that I inspire you to get there someday I will be bluntly honest for me and my experience it has been really rough but after the 30 days it got a little easier with times that felt like it was the beginning again with cravings. Or the fear of missing out, but it also challenged me to learn different parts of myself other than just drinking and going out for me deal with crippling anxiety and so drinking really helped put that at ease but now I found a much healthier way, like journaling, meditating, going for walks, being in nature and going to the gym, has really been helping me through my process, I did completely lose a group of friends that like to go out and do that stuff so I’ve been reaching out to different groups of people that like to be active and live healthy lifestyle so I surround myself with people that want that and I personally that has been super helpful for my process . But be honest it has not been easy but I put a calendar up and I put a big red eggs each day. I come home knowing I achieve, not having a drink and seeing that because I’m a visual person really helps. I take it day by day. I try not to worry about the future and just baby step it. I hope this helps
I cut off a friend. He was living with me on and off for quite a while. The last night i saw him he was in my kitchen calling people for hard drugs. I was in the midst of just comming to from a powerful weed high but i knew at this point i was done with my old friends. I kicked him out to the porch and went to bed
That was the last time i saw him. He od’ed died not long after. What if i was with him when he died. Would i be in jail? Would i be dead? I just dont know.
Wow I’m sorry you had to go through that it’s hard but I’m glad you did something for you and made the right choice as you could’ve been there right with him. Glad you are still here. Thanks for sharing. If you ever need a friend to talk to I’m here!
I’m sorry to hear of the pain you are in. It sounds like you were in a co-dependent friendship．and you enabled each others’ drinking. That kind of relationship is going to struggle when one of you gets sober and the other doesn’t. It doesn’t make your becoming sober any less of the correct thing to do for yourself. But as others have said, you can’t make someone else change. She has to get sober for herself, if that is what she wants. It is hard, but your family is right. You must focus on yourself and your own new sober lifestyle.
I had a similar codependent friendship. We would drink together and get into trouble together and make each other feel better about it afterwards. We would reassure each other that it wasn’t a big deal if one or both us stayed in a police cell for a night, got banned from a bar, peed ourself, lost our purse for the 10th time, etc. I often wonder how she would have reacted to my sober journey. I don’t know if she would ever have chosen that for herself, and losing her ‘respect’ would have hurt me so bad. She died before I got sober though.
I would agree that these early days are not easy. But, nothing worth fighting for is easy. Some days are worse than others, but with good support, a plan and taking it OODAT, I am building momentum towards 90 days, like yourself. Crippling anxiety is no joke. I’m glad you have found positive ways to cope with it and to stay sober. Surrounding yourself with supportive, positive and healthy people and options has gotten you this far. You are obviously doing something right! Thank you for your encouragement, I’ll gratefully put some of those tools into my toolbox. Wishing you the best on your journey. You’ve got this!
