So I’m a 21M Christian and I have to go a year without viewing porn before I can do activities for the congregation again and my friend asked me today, how long would it be for it to be a year that I wouldn’t have relapsed and I told him “I don’t know” and he told me that I would get there but it just started me down a rabbit hole of how worthless I feel. And how much I’m failing, and I’ve been struggling with PMO for a decade, I feel my worth is dependent on what I can do and I have no inherent value otherwise, I cant understand how I’m loved if I cant do something that seems so simple. I really feel sometimes like giving up. And I’m started to consider SH as a replacement. And I’m just so tired the world wouldn’t care if I didn’t show up tomorrow, I’m almost convinced that people don’t really care the just pretend. And what I want almost more then anything is to have a wife who loves me and I love… but nobody would miss me is they never knew me.
There’s a lot of big feelings here!
First and foremost, if you’re feeling unsafe, please go to the emergency room or contact a crisis line. Because you’re worthy of living.
There is hope! I promise you there is hope!!!
PMO is a type of SH.
I have been addicted for about as long as you have been alive. I, too, felt so bound and hopeless.
But I’m over 90 days clean! I never thought that was possible.
Jesus offers you an ocean of mercy and forgiveness. We cannot conceive how much He loves us. Repent. And if you fall, remember that we’re not better than Him and He fell 3 times carrying His cross! Give yourself grace.
There is a physical, psychological, and spiritual reason for this addiction. It’s not going to be cured over night.
Jesus promises “peace I give you, my peace I give you; not as the world gives, do I give unto you. So let your hearts not be troubled…”
It’s going to be okay. There is hope. Don’t make a bed in your shame; you were made for SO much more than that!
These are really hard things to feel…. I’m sorry you’re struggling this way.
I myself am not a super religious person myself. I was baptized, I do pray, but I also have a very eclectic belief system. I have never been in a situation where I’m cut off from fulfilling my spirtial servance or feel disconnected from my spiritual community because of my struggles in this way. I am sure that is absolutely heartbreaking.
Ive also never struggled with this kind of addiction. But….. I have struggled with self harm. I struggled with it for years….. the first time I ever hurt myself I was 12. Around the same time I started using drugs. It felt like a counter balance for guilt. But ended up just being another thing I felt guilty for. It eventually lead to several suicide attempts. These kinds of actions……they scar you in more than one way. I have trouble looking at certain parts of myself in the mirror because I can tell you why, how, and when I got every single scar. I can feel the exact same emotion I felt when I put it there. And it happened because I felt alone.
Have you sought and counsel for this addiction outside of your church? I new someone in a group I used to go to that struggled with something like this. He said that he wound up going to a doctor and finding he had a chemical imbalance that was resulting in too much testosterone production followed by a traumatic upbringing around sexual situations and built a survival method out it. It made him feel less afraid.
Whatever caused you to get where you are……… you aren’t worthless. Even if you’re not strong enough to serve your church the way you would like to right now. You are still one of God’s creations. God doesn’t make mistakes. You will find a way through this. Drawing your own blood is never worth it. I promise you, you are not the monster you see yourself as. I strongly encourage you to speak with someone. Even if not for the PMO…… when you start having the kind of thoughts you’re having……things can get really dark really fast. It’s very easy to lose control. It’s a lot harder to grip your control when it starts bleeding. I certainly would hate to hear that something had happened to you that you didn’t even intend.
But in the meantime. You have an entire community of people who are here for you. You’re not alone 
I’ve been struggling with PMO since I was 8 years old. I’m 37 yrs old now. The longest I’ve gone without acting out was 20 days. I’ve been sober from alcohol for almost 4.5 years, but I realized I had a bigger issue with PMO. I thought it was normal, honestly. It’s been driving crazy lately. I feel disgusted with myself, I’m overthinking. I’m always questioning my partner about certain things. We’ve talked about separating and not really sure where we stand. It sucks, man. I don’t know how to control it either. But one day we’ll break this curse. Just gotta keep trying.
Something to consider is that for many of us the source of addiction was the religious environment we were exposed to.
I know it was a big contributing factor from my childhood.
I’m not suggesting to leave or stay within such a congregation, but don’t let anyone or anything make you feel worthless just because you’re human who struggles with addiction. It’s not a character flaw.
Please be kinder to yourself. Shaming yourself won’t help. 
Hi Skylar! Welcome to the forum!
I’m 42. I picked up lust as a coping mechanism early in life too. Was exposed to porn at around 6. Fell into internet porn in my teens when content was everywhere and I had unfettered access. I didn’t learn how to be in relationships because I escaped into this porn addiction whenever I felt anything. As a reward for a job well done or as a bandaid for feeling lonely or sad.
I found a relationship in my mid 20s after hardly dating at all. Let me tell you, finding a wife doesn’t solve all your problems. If you aren’t solid in your identity and your mission in life, the wrong spouse will only exacerbate your problems. You make them the focus and the purpose in your life instead of fulfilling your dreams. At least I did…and she walked all over me because I had no respect for myself and thought that I only deserved the scraps of intimacy she provided. She ignored my boundaries because I wasn’t confident in myself and afraid that if she left that I would be alone. So I accepted cheating and lying and gaslighting as something I deserved until I was a better man. We’re divorced now and being alone is a blessing of peace for me.
Finally, to some degree you’re right. Nobody cares. I used to get upset about that too. But you know what? That’s also a blessing. It’s your life and you should do what you want with it. Make it something you are proud of regardless of what anyone else thinks. Don’ t live your life to please anyone else. Build yourself into someone YOU love. We spend the most time alone with our thoughts so make it a place worth spending time. Be unshakable in that love and be ready to walk away from anyone who tries to poke holes in that foundation.
That’s what makes us strong and truly ready to be in relationship with others. I’m 285 days free from porn. I’ve been here before and slipped countless times. I’m not perfect and I still struggle but I’ve never been more clear in finding my path. Romantic partners are great if they’re the right ones. But I can’t pick the right one in the midst of addiction. And the wrong ones are dangerous. The can suck up our time, energy and resources just like a drug. That person (right or wrong) will never love me enough to be a short cut to doing the work to loving myself either. Only I can give myself that validation.
Envision your life and your purpose and the qualities in a person that could truly support you. Learn from my mistakes and DON’T make someone else the centerpiece that your build your life around. You’re still so young with so much time to find yourself. Take the time and find a way to enjoy the journey of discovering who you are and what you want to do with your time here on earth.
I can’t stop thinking about this post as I have deep religious trauma and I’m not trying to project that onto you and your faith.
But something I’d like you to understand is that addiction shows up in many forms.
There are people within your congregation who are addicted to social media, substances, the POWER they have over you and the congregation.
There is nothing extra wrong about your particular way of coping a potentially unhealthy environment.
When we’ve experienced trauma and pain, our brains are wired to protect us. And sometimes we simply don’t have the tools or knowledge on how to do it properly so we reach for the release that our brain needs in order to escape.
Porn addiction can often be the result of unhealthy shame and repression around sex which is why it can be found in many church communities.
That shame doesn’t belong to you either.
None of this has anything to do with who you are at your core or your worthiness of love and happiness.
With the right support, knowledge on the subject and tools, it’s something you can learn how to manage and recover from. 
This could be a quote out of my life! 
I started reading this and went…hold up…oh, this isn’t me.
But it’s absolutely true! Finding a wife does not solve shit. If I could do it all over again…I’d probably make the same mistakes. We live and learn! I like the me now, and she’s a part of that me; good, bad, and indifferent.
How is it going discovering yourself after marriage? What are you learning about yourself?
This is remarkably self-aware and incredibly brave.
Too many people disregard religious trauma as a legitimate trauma. Too many people don’t even know it’s a class of trauma.
I was studying to help victims of religious abuse, as I myself am a survivor.
You’re absolutely right. The wrong congregation cam stifle, warp, and choke a person to death. Being gay in a Christian community, a very conservative Christian community wasn’t easy…still isn’t.
Nevertheless, I appreciate you bringing this up because it’s true. This environment may be exacerbating his addiction.
I’m sorry you experienced that. 
And I’m more than happy you realized your worth outside of it.
It has taken a really long time getting here. I have 100k in student loans because I had to go to the best. And I still found myself wrestling with God.
Then, one weekend while I was having a mental breakdown and had to go to the hospital, I was met in the most spectacular way.
Nothing I do or don’t do earns me Heaven. Nothing. I can’t buy my way in just by being a good person, or even a good Christian. I don’t have to be perfect before I can go to church.
Church is supposed to be a hospital for the sick and suffering. Didn’t Jesus come to heal the lame and the blind? Am I not spiritually lame and blind? If he didn’t reject anyone who came to Him humbly, why would He reject me?
I came to realize that Jesus’ Heart gushes forth an ocean of mercy and grace. Period. End of story. Whether I pretend to not be gay or accept myself openly, Jesus still loves me.
It’s the better than thou [expletives] that should be worried about judgement day!
Don’t want to hijack the thread. Thanks for asking though.