I really messed up this time. I just can’t seem to get my head out of my ass and stay clean. I violated probation. I left rehab when he told me not to. I dont know what im doing anymore. Who am I? I’m too smart for this. I have made the Deans list every semester for the past two years yet here I am on Felony probation getting violated because I can’t pass a urine screen to save my ass. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can’t I just stop? Why doesn’t that switch in my brain that tells me to stop flip? What am I doing wrong? Why is this so hard?
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Most addicts are highly intelligent, it’s part of what addiction preys on. Intelligence feeds ego , and our ego makes surrendering harder imo.
Keep trying, spend tons of time consuming sobriety related content. You can do this.
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You are a student and here is a link with lots of books and information. When you read some of this, you will start to understand what is happening to you and hopefully learn some ways to get a handle on it.
@SassyRocks one of the moderators put this together.
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Welcome to the community!
There’s lots of support here for you. I’m glad you found the site.
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Welcome to the forum, @WannaBFree! I am sorry to hear you violated your probation, that must be very disappointing 
Do you have a good idea why you want to stop? What is the one reason that makes continuing down this path a no-go?
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Welcome to the community, use it well and stay focused. 
If everything was logical and based on logical decisions, lots of things would be different.
We rather stay on routes we already know, we know the misery they will lead us to. Yet, it’s easier and more comfortable than going a way we haven’t walked before. There is fear. What if nothing changes. What can change? How will I cope with my fucking misery.
What helped me was a community of people who understand me, who don’t judge me. Who don’t cut me off saying: then just don’t drink anymore. There is help here, in meetings, in therapy, in reading and listening to other people who already have walked these routes for some time longer than me or you.
It’s so worth it.
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If you are searching out sobriety sites the reason you can’t stop is because you are an addict. Your portion control is set to more.
As an addict there is no substance moderation. Put down your drug of choice, pull up a chair here and discover your addict.
There is always someone around here if you need us. Welcome to recovery. I hope to see you around.
For most addicts and alcoholics or at least speaking for myself the severe consequences never really mattered but what matters to me is continuing to live addicted and dealing with a crappy life on a daily basis. Until I accepted that nothing is going to change if I keep drinking and using and doing the same thing. I’m guessing they didn’t send you back to jail because of your violation or maybe you have a court date for that I would try to go back to rehab listen to what they say and complete the program when you get out consider a sober living house Or a outpatient program. Make recovery you’re number one goal and everything will fall into place. It’s not going to be easy but it’s a lot easier than dealing with the bullshit from using and drinking. I’m currently on felony probation myself and understand the severity and stress but even with that I can’t let my guard down because the devil for lack of better words wants me back out there. Of course I don’t wanna go to prison but it’s more than that I want a better life. It’s possible to be sober and content. It’s just going to take some change and work.
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