God, this post will be so long. 
So, last year I met a boy.
Yeah, I know I know. I can hear the sighs from the other side.
But the thing is! Since that night I went to dance with my friends, and btw had 0 alcohol (proud of myself) I re-met a boy and my emotions changed a lot. My path in life, tbh.
And by re-met I mean I met him last year in summer, but only chatted with him little, and he gave me a very real talk (I am from Latin America, he is from Europe, so, as you can see, we have a lot of differences in our cultures) He talked about how much everyone is so focused on going out, drinking, making out with someone and thats it, not living the moment.
Damn, I was so deep into I dont remember how many beers and shots. (This was before my big fallout, and recognizing that I have a problem.) We talked for a bit, and gosh he is so gorgeous, and I was shocked by his point of view in life, (I was a bit confused, because we met in some friend of mines house and then we saw each other at the party, and he said Hi by kissing my hand. QUESTION: Is that flirting or only very European?) After chatting, we had a shot (big mistake, big big mistake) And then we exchanged @ on the gram and parted ways. I figured out he has a gf, and oh well after that I forgot about him. At all. Is like I flushed him from my mind.
BUT, here comes the real thing. As I said: I re-met a boy and my emotions changed a lot. My path in life, tbh.
That night at the club my friend saw him, I saw him, he saw me. After a couple of minutes, he came, said hello, we went outside to talk, because there was so much noise inside. We chatted for a while, and everything was so amazing. He is/was like a perfect fit for me, everything I ever dreamed of, wanted, blended and there he was.
Me, remembering he was taken, did nothing at all. He flirted with me (this time I figured out alone, god Im so clueless when someone flirts with me, when I flirt I am amazing, but sometimes Im just so goddam clueless.)
He took me home, we chatted for a bit about life in general, we talked about exes, he said he was single so I was a bit more calm with myself, and then I went to my place to sleep, it was already very late. After feeding my cat, he texts me. We started texting. I was blurting in emotions. Short long story, we went out 1 day before he went to a trip with his family, he was coming back in a week, I was going to a trip too, so that dinner (date?? idk) was our last night together. We talked about so much, our families,(we showed each other pictures when we were young) our dreams, careers, traveling around. He has worried about the time, ’ cause he traveled around 4 am and I had work the other day too, AND an exam, (which I slayed btw) But we talked so much, had a great time and we forgot about the time. He comes back in a year. He supposedly comes in a year, maybe.
The things is that since that night I haven’t been the same, I haven’t had the same fun, haven’t been fully happy since that time. I feel powerless, I go to therapy, but I can’t name this feeling. I seem to care about what someone thinks/says that lives very far away from me not only to mention that he took her back.(His ex)
I don’t know what Im feeling, I like him? I like the way he is? I think that I idealized way too much this situation and everything. We still text, send pictures, but rarely, like once a week or something, although he is nice and flirty?
I want to stop texting him, because I have feelings for him I think, and I want to pop that big bubble I have and talk him again when I stop this big web of childish feelings. And not to metion the fact that all this makes me a toxic person, not being able to arrange my emotional life and suck it up and put it in place. But maybe he won ’ t answer me back. My friend said that I shouldn ’ t stop, if I enjoy texting him, I should enjoy it too while it lasts. But on the other hand, I think I should re center my life, my feelings, my values. I don ’ t know how I feel, TBH, I ’ m a cold person, and all this frustrates me. Feelings and not being able to handle them in a armonic way. (I had relationships in the past, but neither worked because well, people are dumb.) And another thing is, Am I ready to commit? Why do I run away from relationships? I love having someone that loves and cares for me but I’ m not someone that trusts easily because you never know right? What is going on someone else’ s head? You never have that assurance that someone will love you truly and deeply. Maybe I am afraid of love.
Since that night, I’ ve never been the same.
Emotionally speaking, career speaking and future speaking. The good thing is I have a wide view on my studies, I am now brave enough to take care of the situation that I want to travel abroad and take a degree overseas. Maybe that was the reason I met him, and re-met him. But who knows? Ugh. Should I take time offline now that I have exams? And just disappear?
This topic is only emotional, apart, family problems, work stuff, college stuff…my life is an organized mess.
