@KevinesKay Well I’m very glad this community is helping you, buddy. It’s helped me too thus far, though I can’t help but wish for friends I could see in person you know? In some ways you can confide better in people here, but it feels different not having a face to look at while you’re tlaking you know? Without the presence of a human it’s hard to not actually feel alone for me.
@Fishy Hey there fishy, thanks so much for your post. I do have kinks and fetishes that I think might disgust some people and turn them off of me but it’s not so much the kinks and stuff that worries me. I think the thing that I’m most afraid to admit to someone that would most certainly scare them off is the fact that I’ve paid for sex, quite a few times. I don’t know why anyone would want to be with me after finding that out. I think the other stuff I might be able to get past someone, but when I just admit that out-loud like I did now, I feel completely ashamed of myself. Thanks again for your kind words.
Hey @BlazingPegasus, you know that I’ve bought sex too. Can be a pretty expensive habit, and risky with all the STDs and law enforcement cracking down on it. With over 800,000 women and children being sex trafficked in the world, it does shed light on the amount of demand that’s out there. Buyers have to exist to support this. So you and I are not alone. Scary when I think about that.
But it’s important for me to clarify that people won’t always hold my past against me, especially if I’m choosing to better myself. My loved ones are much more concerned about how stable I am now. Can they be certain enough that I won’t relapse back into my old behaviors.
As far as friends go. I have a lot more face to face friends now then ever. It took baby steps though. And it’s outside of my comfort zone. But it all started with my forum friends.
Keep posting buddy. You’ve come a long way in a short time. Choosing to take on all of your addictions at once… Takes guts. It’s probably a good thing. I admire for that. You should be proud of yourself.
@KevinesKay again thank you for the kind words. Funny that you mentioned STDs in the last post and here I am the next day freaking out about it being possible. I’ve been trying to take the advice in this thread to better myself and not worry so much about the future and if I’ll ever find someone. I was starting to calm down on that topic. But knowing that I may have an STD is making me more afraid than ever about my possible future and being alone forever. And thanks for saying I have guts…I know this will be a learning opportunity to cope but the temptation to go back is stronger than ever. And not to the sex addiction thing, that one is dealt with FOR GOOD. Believe me. I am never paying another dollar for sex again, that part of me is done for good. It’s the coping without weed thing that’s killing me right now.
Before my wife and I got married, I got tested for STDs, and when the doctor confirmed that I tested positive for herpes, I passed out in the hallway walking out of his office.
Luckily, it was herpes symplex 2. The kind that has cold sores on the mouth. It really doesn’t affect our marriage at all. If I have an outbreak, it’s so minimal that I don’t even notice it.
You’ll be okay. It takes time the most important thing is to work on yourself. I’m on the same boat as you. It sucks but do your best to become a better version of yourself.
I’ll share a little of my experience with self hatred. During my first year in SAA, it was 10/31/1994. I relapsed big time. It was the first time I actually used a prostitute.
Here I was, going to meetings, finished college, ready to start a career, in a relationship with someone who wanted to marry me. And I put it all on the line by doing something so crazy? Instead of getting better, I’m getting worse! Like I was off to prove the steps didn’t work.
With my hands in my face, I could only say to my friends in that SAA meeting, “I must really hate myself!” I mean, why else would I throw everything away that I worked so hard for. I had never admitted that before. The idea seemed almost comical at that time. But I had uncovered a hidden core belief.
I understood, then, the importance of demonstrating self-love; that I need to be able to look into the mirror and love and like the person staring back at me.
@Fishy thank you very much for sharing that passage with me, I will try to keep it in mind - it certainly seems logical and sound. I will check out the book, I remember the last thing I said before I quit everything was how ashamed I was of myself.
@Wanderer Thank you I am trying to be the best me I can, it’s just frustrating because who knows how long it will be and I already know Im at my happiest in a relationship.
@Luvmybulloxers Welcome to you as well! I hear that but I don’t know, I loved my ex pretty hard without really loving myself at all. And it worked great for the time we had it. Anyway, Im trying, thank you!
@KevinesKay Can I ask how long you have been clean for? I’ve tried NA in the past and while it helped at first, after a while it started to become miserable for me and was beginning to have the opposite of the desired effects.I’m sure it helps a lot of people but the group thing didn’t work out for me. The hating yourself thing does really speak to me. I don’t know if I hate myself right now but most of the time I do feel that way as well. Thanks for sharing your story, Kevin.
My last binge on porn and MB was on March 20 of this year. So this will be day 45 of being sober from those behaviors.
I have not entered a strip joint, used a massage parlor, picked up a prostitute, used an escort, paid for sex, nor commitment vojeurism nor have taken indecent liberties since July of 2004.
Wow, solid question that’s a good one. I am following this thread very good stuff here. @BlazingPegasus we are in the same boat man, I am also single never had a girlfriend and asked 2 and they said No so I figured I’m just gona go it alone until someone shows up. I’m gonna focus on my own development and do all I can to kick porn out of my life.
Be very kind to yourself in your thoughts as you are to other people. Remember your one day at a time. I also kept feeling empty without a relationship even though I have a busy life with 3 children. I realised that once I stopped thinking that I needed to fill anything I stopped seeing a gap. I try to see a way of enhancing my own moments and as nick_1985 said - enjoy things you love to do - just something very simple maybe. Good luck and concentrate on you for now. Love will come when the time is right.
Wow can’t believe it’s been 3 years since I posted this thread. Thank you for replying to this, it was very sweet of you to. I really appreciate it. And I wish you the best of luck as well
