I understand I should work on me before worrying about this but my life was so much better when I was with someone - I engaged in my behaviors so much less, just having the mutual support and love did so much for me. Now that shes dumped me and im spiraling into my habbits again im afraid no one would want to be with me. I don’t know if I even deserved to have that - complete fluke. I was legit feeling suicidal made a craigslist post looking for someone to talk to about it next thing you know we fell in love. Not the healthiest way to meet someone. Infact that was my first relationship so im still here wondering how im supposed to find someone. Online dating is a nightmare, no one responds - it makes me want to crawl into a hole because im not good enough for anyone. And anyway once they find out about the horrible sex addict behavior ive been involved in theyll be disgusted.
I can relate too that…i felt the same way when that happened to me…i fell in the trap and had the same fealings of not belonging or wondered if i ever would matter to anybody in that way again…i can honestly say with time it does get better…it takes time but its worth it in the long run…just hang in there im sure there is somebody out there that will come after guys like us ! God bless
Hey just wanna say Im sorry you feel lonely.I know being alone can be very hard but it sounds like thats exactly what you need.I think theres alot of healing emotionally you need to do and build confidence in yourself.Maybe try meditiation or yoga or church whatever feels right to you.
Or sign up for some sort of excercise group or event.Maybe make a list of things you always wanted to do but didnt because of your addiction and go do them.
It takes time, but working on loving yourself is worth it and that will shine througg and when you least expect it the right person will notice.
@BlazingPegasus, you remind me so much of myself. Wow! Your sharing really hits home for me.
And you’re actually revealing some core beliefs. Not very common for most newcomers addressing their sexual addiction issues. I’m quite impressed.
I admit that I felt so unlovable and so unattractive that I came to a conclusion that for me to get sex, to get love, I would have to either pay for it or take it by force. In my recovery, I have to address the following 4 misconceptions.
One. I am a horrible, worthless person.
Two. Sex is my most important need.
Three. Sex is equal to love.
Four. No one will be there to meet my needs.
None of these are true. You’re not ugly. You’re not horrible. You’re just holding on to some false core beliefs. And it’s negatively impacting your life, your relationships, and your finances.
And you said it yourself; that you understand that you need to work on you first before you think about having a girlfriend in your life.
Good idea! I’ll support that one.
For me, I came to the conclusion that it would better for me to be single and celibate for the rest of my life then to go about scrambling to get someone to give me love and sex at whatever cost. I spent over 30 years doing that, and ended up with a big fat zero. I didn’t want to spend the remainder of my years living in the same Insanity. Still, it remains to be the most painful thing I have ever done. For my entire life, I lived for physical sex. I couldn’t imagine being happy without it. I was my God.
So after making a decision to surrender my privilege to have sex, and focusing on managing the rest of my life, doing hobbies, building friendships, loving myself;
Developing, Appreciating, and Exercising the many gifts I already have as opposed to feeling sorry and pitiful for what I don’t have, my life made a complete turnaround. I didn’t remain celibate (I later found someone and married her), but there are times when I wish I had. Lol.
@Beasley10 thank you for that. I kind of flip flop on this one, sometimes I think maybe somewhere in the future something might happen but on the other hand who knows…there are people that die alone. Lets hope for the best. Thanks for the encouraging words.
@Restlesssoul thank you for the suggestions. I know I should work on me but I miss it so much it made me feel whole like all my problems were solved, I was so happy. And now im miserable. How could I not want to get that again. Maybe it was hallow and not real but I liked myself so much more back then. Im gonna try meditation. I have no choice but to wait though it seems like I have to be active in looking I can’t imagine something happening without my effort.
@KevinesKay thank you for that. What core beliefs did I display? About your beliefs that you had when youre dealing with, I don’t belive in numbers 2 and 3 just 1 and 4. Though 1 and 4 were feeling completely solved when I was in a relationship. Im looking at my bills and my activities and know im a sex addict but even that was in check when I was with my ex. I dont think I can be single or celibate for very long I dont belive people are meant to be. But of course you have to exert effort to find someone yes when you least expect it, fine, but it still doesnt just magically come. I dont know as I said in my previous reply Im so much happier not alone.
Hey man! Just want you to know you’re definitely not alone in your thoughts about relationships. Since my ex wife decided to take my son and divorce me I’ve been alone and feeling the same way. It’s been 3 years since she and I were last intimate and that was the last time I was at all. Tried the ok cupid, tinder, plenty of fish & they all gave me the same dirty and not worthy feelings. Thinking that bars or dive clubs are the only place to find women but can’t go cause alcoholism and triggers. Im still alone and only recently sober but knowing that working in myself little by little will make me a better partner to whomever comes next. Stay strong brother, and you’ve got a bunch of us in your side!
Thank you @DarthTjader for jumping in.
You had some awesome words to share. So right on.
Hey @BlazingPegasus, You ask what core beliefs you were expressing. Well, for starters, I am a horrible, worthless person stood out to me.
Another one I saw something to the likes of this.
I need a woman in my life to make me feel complete, loved, and worthy
And you just admitted to my fourth one.
So that’s three core beliefs that are impacting your life decisions.
These beliefs are not true. The fact is you are a worthy, capable, and lovable person. We all are.
And we’re all here for each other offering love and support.
I’m going to share a saying that I’ve heard @Melrm mention a few times here.
Don’t put your key to happiness into someone else’s pocket. thanks @Melrm
The fact is that there are a lot of people in this world that are not in a relationship, and they are living perfectly fulfilling lives. You don’t need a relationship any more than someone needs a drink, or needs to shoot up drugs, or needs to binge on donuts.
In fact, almost everything that we enjoy and take for granted in life are not needs, but privileges. For instance, not everyone in this world has the privilege to see, or to hear, or to walk. Not everyone in this world has the privilege to get married, or to have sex, or to have a baby. And everyone has to learn to surrender these privileges in some form or another. Surrendering doesn’t always mean going without something. It means that one chooses to be content with whatever this world brings to him or her.
When reading your words, you make it sound like a girlfriend will make it all better. I’m sure it seems easier, and funner.
But trust me on this one. I’ve been at this a long time. You don’t need another relationship. And I believe that if you take the time and effort to focus on reversing some of those false core beliefs as opposed to just treating the symptoms of spending money on sexual gratification, you’re going to have a better end result.
Whatever you decide, we are all here for you. You are loved. And thank you for sharing. Don’t give up. You got this!
@KevinesKay hey thanks for your kind words. I was going to reply sooner but have been feeling like crap as I relapsed over and over again 3 out of the last 4 days. Im trying again, this really sucks.
I felt exactly the same. You really need to get out there and just enjoy things you love to do. Love will find you when you’re both ready. Join the gym, hobby groups anything. I met my current squeeze at the gym. Mega health conscious and drinks very very occasionally. Chin up and just focus on you at the minute. The girl who is right for you and fits in with you’re newly found clean life is waiting.
Welcome back @BlazingPegasus. Good to hear back from you. I know exactly how you feel. Yeah, it’s hard. Don’t give up, though. You can do this.
So do you have any ideas about what to do? What’s your plan? Some ideas are:
Setting good boundaries in your life. Stay away from triggering places and people.
Develop healthy coping skills. Get enough sleep. Eat right, exercise, drink enough water. You deserve to take of and love youself.
Make friends. Connect with people here. Call a family member. Hang out with buddies. Go to church or to a 12 step meeting.
Whatever you decide, you gotta have a plan. White knuckling by itself, doesn’t work. You just need to take that next step forward in your recovery.
@nick_1985 I dont know if I can get sober off everything. I dont know if I can be clean. Maybe I wont find someone until I deal with this. But its been an ongoing problem and it feels endless.
@KevinesKay im not sure I have a plan. I cant give up porn that ones too hard for me so Ill always have that trigger. I just started a diet last week and am trying to exercise more. Im not really taking full care of myself I just experimented with a random drug and that needs to stop too. But im so lonely and missing out on experiences. I cant make friends im good with people when I get to know them but I cant make that initial connection. I dont have that many friends. Last time I tried a 12 step it didnt work for me and I didnt even make friends there me and my social anxiety.
Yeah, I have social anxiety too. I call it social anorexia. It’s so much easier for me to stay alone than connect with others. I have to work at it. Not comfortable, no.
But I’m very thankful for the friendships that I developed over the past few years while working on my recovery. Totally worth it.
My porn addiction and social anorexia go hand in hand. They feed off each other. Can’t deal with one without dealing with the other.
You’re doing dieting and exercising, eh? That’s some good stuff. It’s amazing what that will do for the self esteem. I’m trying to get back into working out myself. Easier said than done…
Good to hear back from you @BlazingPegasus. Stay strong. We’ll help each other through this. Thank you.
@KevinesKay I really appreciate you trying to keep me engaged and asking me questions and being overall a very nice person. The dieting is going ok but I just decided to quit weed yesterday so I have a feeling Im going to be doing some emotional eating soon. The excercise is going extremely slowly I just have no energy at all for it right now. I see you’re trying to get back into it too. Can I ask you a question? The person youre with now, how did they react when you told them about your past? Thank you.
Hey @BlazingPegasus! Good to hear back from you. This stuff sure isn’t easy. Just got to keep at it. We got this!
In response to your question, my wife can only sympathise to a certain extent. I told her about my sex and porn addiction right when we first started dating over 10 years ago. I was 2 years sober at the time.
She almost wrote me off. She had history of sexual trauma in her past, and the thought of dating someone wiith my problem was scary to her.
Would like to tell you that women will always be accepting and understanding of this behavior, but that’s not reality.
Most women strongly desire their men to demonstrate honesty and loyalty in the relationship. It really hurts a lot when they find out their husband or boyfriend is using porn. It feels like being cheated on. They want to be the only woman in that man’s life. They want to feel good enough and beautiful enough. Porn use takes that all away. However, every person is different so you won’t always get the same reaction.
But in my experience, it works so much better to draw strength from other friends when dealing with this. My wife cannot be my only source of support. She tries, but she can only be supportive to a certain extent until her feelings become too overwhelming for her to bear. And it’s best not to get into a relationship with someone who is against porn until you can demonstrate sexual stability. Because if you act out sexually while in a relationship with her, she’s going to get pissed, and rightfully so. That’s what happened to me on multiple occasions.
What’s really going for you now, @BlazingPegasus, is that you’re not in a relationship. You don’t have to bring trauma into someone else’s life and thus causing more chaos in your own life. This is an awesome opportunity to be your own self, to develop your own hobbies, to do what you want, to develop friendships, to make a life of your own, to develop your own sense of self acceptance, self love, and self worth. And if you take advantage of that, your life will head in such a better direction.
Stay with it, my friend. You can do this. And you will!
Hey @KevinesKay as I’ve mentioned before I’m not really ready to give up porn and that part of my sex addiction, I’ve dated girls in the past that indulged in that with me and I think I’d like to find that again. The 2 years I was with a woman I was able to keep everything outside of porn completely at bay, never saw anyone else never did anything like that was very loyal. I feel like that’s another reason why having someone in my life will make things better for me, it just keeps me on the straight and narrow.
That’s another problem, you mentioned it’s best to have friends to draw support from. I don’t have very many friends, I’m mostly on my own. The friends I do have I rarely ever get to see. So you see I’m really on my own with this right now. I really don’t think I would bring trauma into someone else’s life if I were with them…it’s not a cure all, but honestly, yes, it cured everything lol. I liked me so much better back then. And I understand I need to build me up first, but I don’t want to live like this. I don’t want to be alone. I can’t stand being alone.
I’ve always felt that way after every break up… and guess what? I’ve had many. It feels like the end of the world right now, but you will find yourself in another relationship in due time. Honestly, you should just focus on yourself. Cut your habits, start working out, take care of yourself, focus on your career and happiness, this will make you more desirable and attractive to women, then you don’t even have to try, the right girl will come to you.
@JeffreyDale I’ve just had the one myself. I have a hard time believing someone will just come to me at some point. It took a lot of effort to find my last partner.
Focus on getting sober. It already sounds like you’re trying to trade one addiction for another. You don’t need another person, or these external material things or drugs to make you happy. You need to learn to be happy with yourself and confront your demons head on. You will find you don’t need alcohol to cope and you can find the love you truly deserve, but not until you learn to love yourself first.
I can relate to not having friends. I’m really socially anorexic. But it’s still important for me to have friends no matter how much I try to ignore that fact.
You know, I was thinking of something. A lot of people on this community express the fact that they have few friendships. But in sense, we are all friends here. We may not see each other face to face, but what we have here is very powerful. The friends I have here know me better than most of my friends in the outside world. And they understand me better too. And I’ve only been here a little over a month.
Even you and I are starting to create a bond. And I honestly don’t feel alone in this anymore because I have at least a couple dozen regular people on this app that are rooting for me. They have my back. And I cannot underestimate the power in that. We are not alone.