A quick, brief background… I’ve been taking vicodin (5/day) at 13 a pill… it’s INSANELY expensive… Hurtful to myself financially, not being outgoing as I usually am, sick while I fight to get better and isolate… AAAAAND of course as I go down the list realize, my gf, my many friends, my family, my work I’m not to my full potential because of this… thus, being selfish… it’s the competitor in me… It’s hard to essentially, “give up”…I guess, I crave control… I want to beat something stronger then me…I have a need to have power over something many cannot, like it somehow makes me better… Like I said, pathetic…
Self centered is probably a better way to put it, putting your desires first doesn’t have to hurt anybody but it’s hurting you and that’s all that matters. The thoughts you have about what your SELF is going to consume is destroying you. Personally it wasn’t so much about what I didn’t do to others but what I could have done for them. BTW your not the first person I’ve called selfish and I’ve never had a good response but the one who told me I was a Cu#T apologised after 2 years sober and told me I changed his life. One hat doesn’t fit all I’m afraid but we’ve never met and I would try anything to keep you sober.
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No, no, please read the next response, but again, even the first, I wasn’t insulted, just asking why you said it… completely different…I promise you, I don’t think I have the answers, I DESPERATELY want explanations and help… It was a VERY candid question, I promise… Any help, is good help…
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I know 
we’re still on the same page 
. Answers??? 
I don’t think any of us really have the answer to the golden question… I just got to the point where I didn’t want to die so for me AA was my last hope. Did you check out the NA meeting I sent you?
Anyway it’s been nice chatting but I finished a 12 hour night shift about an hour or so ago and I really need to get some sleep. Yep I know, selfish 
take care. One day at a time.
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BTW next time you want to use do what we are doing now until the urge goes away.
I’m, unfortunately, in a position where my main/ work vehicle blew a head gasket… I’m working 12 hr days to make the money to restore it… It’s probably why I have such a great opportunity to get sober after 12 yrs (minus 1 sober year and mini- sobrieties) and I’m FULLY taking advantage… I’ve used once in the last 8 days because “A” I stay trying and “B” dealers don’t deliver small quantity… the second being the scariest… because when I’m mobile again, how do I stop this… insane competition, no one but myself, fucking cares about…I feel like it’s a disease I took on willingly… My best joy, and this is how I know it’s crazy, is getting the pills, then denying myself as long as I can… I’m not right…
I enjoyed your insight… Please respond any time you can…I feel the FUCK outta 12 hr days…
@Dolse7 has introduced the concept of surrender. It’s difficult for me to explain, except for me to say it was 100% necessary for me to get sober.
When I fight my alcoholism, I lose. I am an alcoholic, and the hallmark symptom is that I cannot drink safely. And I cannot entertain the idea of drinking because I move from thinking to action on the idea almost automatically.
I did make the mistake of surrendering by deciding I could not fight it so I would just drink and let what was going to happen, happen. To get sober I had to surrender to the attitude that I needed help, that I could not raise the resources on my own. When I let my doctor help me and my AA sponsor help me and the Department of Corrections help me, then I began to know and to embrace living with my alcoholism without drinking.
Like I said, it’s difficult for me to explain. I’ve been sober a long time and I still fumble with the words. I think about it a lot, though. How grateful I am that it did happen for me. And I pray that it will happen for you, too.
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Hey friend! You’re talking about a battle you alone can’t win. The way to get past addiction is not getting in the arena with it for a fight. You will lose every time. That’s surrender. And that’s the only way you “win”. Surrender leads to Recovery, capitalized because Recovery is a state of being given to those who take action in working on themselves thru various methods (many mentioned here).
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