I have no desire to use at the moment but I want to fuckin scream at the top of my lungs…
So my ex and I have been speaking more. We both are in recovery. I understand we all have our good days and bad days. The only thing I find consistent in her behavior is toward me. Where as one day she cares about my thoughts and feelings and asks about me, the next day she could careless, is self centered and overall unsympathetic to any and everything.
I know for a fact she has been sober a month longer than I. I would like to think there is an explanation but I doubt it.
The truth is, this morning is one of the days where she could care less. I know it isn’t healthy to let someone create this feeling in me. It is also unhealthy to let someone have that power over me but fuuuuuuckkkk …
(I just realized I wrote butfuck. Lol. I’m a dork.)
Anyway, I don’t like how I currently feel. I am upset. I’m trying my best to think rationally as well as trying to use this moment as a reminder to myself to not be so dismissive of others.
I am just feeling the pain extra right now. She is the person I love most in the world and when these moments happen I don’t know what to do.
…and I just realized there are tears falling down my face but I’m not crying in a breathy way. I don’t know whether I read it or heard it somewhere but crying without a physical reaction is a sign of emotional abuse. Idk. I could have also made it up. Memory is a fickle thing.
I just really needed to get this out…
Venting here is always a good way to get it out and move on with your day. I also find moving my body to exhaustion very helpful, so if you can go to the gym, out for a run, walk, rick climb, bike ride, go for it and enjoy moving through your emotions to a clearer place.
I know how you feel man, trust me when I say that. I’ve been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for a little under a year and when we first started out things were awesome. Now the last 6-8 months has been nothing but her being a contradictory, narcissistic, self centered bi**h. She knows this and thinks it’s funny or some shit. Recently she got into streaming and all she does now is sleep all day and stream all night. Flirting with guys and talking to them till the sun comes up.
I bring it up and she immediately yells and we fight for hours. Her only comeback is “so being funny and nice is flirting now?”. It’s beyond that. I don’t have a license yet since I was arrested for drinking and driving and lost it for a year. I’ve been trying my best to hang in there thinking maybe it’ll change but the longer I’m in the more and more she drives me to want a drink. She is literally a bi**h to me every single day and this morning I had enough. I blew up and told her id give her what she wanted and if move out so she could be the new attention whore she is and flirt with every guy under the sun. That she would realise she lost the best thing that ever happened to her and I will never take her back. Her mom even said that.
So now it’s 30°F and I’m sitting in our garage just stewing, already went for a walk to try to calm.down but I’m so worked up. However in this moment I’ve realised that after all this bull crap I still haven’t drank so why do it now? My debate now is whether I should get a hotel room for a week and just not talk to her, focus on me and what I need right now. Which is probably the best thing I can do. I have no friends in this town since I moved here for her, stupid I know, and she wouldn’t ever let me go out on my own to meet people. So I have no one to talk to besides her and clearly that isn’t going to happen.
It’s one of those moments that I have absolutely no idea what to do right now. I’m 434 days sober and still deal with things that make me want to go right back to my old ways but I know it’s not an option.
I hope things get better for you man, just know you’re not alone in this crazy world!
I would say our hearts rarely make sense! Lol, there was a quote I saw once that was something like, even though our mind knows what we should do it takes our heart longer to come to terms with this decision
I hope you find a way to work that out. It doesn’t sound like it is a healthy relationship. So please be focused on yourself and your needs and on your sobriety. 434 days that’s amazing. Don’t give in. You deserve so much more. Best of luck.
Screaming sometimes is a great relief. Sometime we just need to vent the anger and sadness and all the negative feelings. Hope you’re having a better day tomorrow.
Bro, the girl is no damn good for you right now. All you can do is you. She isn’t part of the equation. Especially if she’s stressing you out so bad. Nobody is worth screwing up with your sobriety! You know this!
