I’m so done. I’m so tired and sad all the time, it’s exhausting. Every day just feels harder than the last and I’m just sick of barely keeping my head above water. I’ve felt this way before, plenty of times and I’m just sick of it. Tomorrow is gonna be 10 years since the first time I made an attempt. It’s been a fucking decade and I still want to die. Sure it hasn’t been consistent, I’ve had some good times in the past while but overall it’s so hard.
I almost did it Friday. I was getting my antidepressants refilled and I thought to myself that if I take them all at once I won’t be sad anymore. I didn’t, given by the fact I’m still here. I get a 3 month supply when I get them, so I’m gonna do my best to enjoy my life for the next 3 months. I’m not gonna drink, I’ve quit smoking, I’m gonna start going to the gym again, drink water, all the basic shit. If none of that helps, I can kill myself in October then. But I have to try at least.
I reached out to some friends when I was feeling down last week, but I’m scared that they’re all getting sick of me by now. Cause I’m sick of it too, and as nice as it is to hear from them I hate being a burden to them. Maybe it’ll be better once I’m gone right?
I’m not in any immediate danger I promise. Please don’t worry too much, i just had to get it out somewhere yknow. Any advice would be great, I mean I really don’t want to go back to the hospital and I have a therapist that I will be talking to about this, just tips on how to survive in the meantime. I want to enjoy life, I just don’t know how rn.
Got no advice that medical person can’t give you but I am letting you know someone is out here and gives a shit. I’ve not wanted to kill myself since I quit drinking so that’s defo a step in the right direction. Keep talking my friend, it’s no good stuck in your head or your heart.
Staying sober and clean is a must. But I think it helps to go beyond that to help with depression. You need to start waking up early, eating healthy, exercising. People care and love you even if you are not aware of it right now.
Although you say you are not in immediate danger, if you feel these thoughts becoming darker please call someone like the numbers below …they are there to help and listen…
The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States. Website also offers an immediate chat box.
With that said, I am glad you turned to here, to get those feelings out somewhere. I can understand feeling like a burden, but the burden of knowing your friend killed yourself would be an extremely heavy burden your friends would carry the rest of their lives. Don’t imagine it “would be better” for them.
To a certain extent I think being happy or contented is a practice. That is why gratitude lists, etc, are such a big part of recovery. I am not trying to downplay your feelings, I know they are overwhelming, and being grateful for anything seems impossible. But with practice I think you could change your view a little.
I have felt pretty bad in the past, and crap just seemed to pile on top of crap and I was drowning. But likewise a little bit of positivity or gratitude allowed me to get the direction of my thoughts the other way, and then those little bits if positivity built on top of each other, to make me feel quite a bit better. Of course, it took a long time, much more than three months. But I think it is possible for you too.
Of course, talk openly and in detail to your therapist. I am far from an expert. I hope you can feel better soon
Every night before I go to sleep I journal what I am grateful for. I used to suicidal and depressed constantly. It takes training, like you are training a muscle. The more reps you do and the more consistently, on the daily, will strengthen that muscle. Now I can list hundreds of things I’m grateful for everyday. It has changed my perspective on life.
Like Paul (Dolse71), I stopped wanting to kill myself when I quit using. I still find life hard, but I do feel it’s worth something, even though I am not sure what that something is yet. I’m working on finding out.
I’m glad you’re here even when it is with a sad message. Glad you are in contact. One thing I am totally sure of is that we can’t do it alone. I tried that for decades and it brought me addiction and suicidal tendencies. Hang in there friend. You’re not alone.
Oof ten years. That’s sucks mate. Last year I started coming out of a bad place which I think I was in fairly consistently for three years. And I’ve had depressive spells on and off for longer, previously largely masked or ‘managed’ (I.e. not managed!) through drinking etc.
Slight sidebar - changing meds really helped, if you haven’t had that chat with whoever prescribes them for you recently. I also found out that I have been iron deficient for ten+ years (and since also vit d and b12) which has a staggering range of physical and mental health symptoms. Turns out most Doctors don’t know the diagnostic criteria, even if they do pick the right blood tests. Not saying that everyone with mental health problems will have this, but I do think ferritin, b12, folate and vitamin d blood tests should be standard for anyone with poor mental health.
The idea of falling back into that black hole again is terrifying. I know I got through it before and could do again etc, but yea. My heart really goes out to you. So glad to read you’re not in any immediate danger and that you’ll be talking to your therapist about all this. I can kind of understand the logic but setting a three month deadline seems so arbitrary… What if you have a few good weeks and then a bad few? What if that fourth month turned out to be the best month of your life and the start of something new and amazing? We can never predict the future. The fact that your friends reached out to you shows they aren’t sick of you. Good for you for doing that, and for doing it here!
Things that helped keep me alive when I wanted to die:
Grounding exercises. Be here now. I once read on this forum that having one foot in the future and one in the past just means shitting on the present Moment by moment, day by day, whatever.
Lots of bits from Buddhist philosophy. Hard to summarise. Non-attachment - particularly all the shoulds and wants. Impermanence - things will change. Acceptance/ equanimity - we can only start where we are, regardless of where we want to be.
Online Recovery Dharma meetings were happening all the time in the pandemic and being able to share that space with people helped.
This forum. Not fourth in importance! The mental health memes thread is sooo wholesome. 10/10 recommend. And generally just being here and having community when it was hard to find it IRL. Hopefully you are finding that too!
Probably other things but that’s what springs to mind. I’m dropping some memes I have saved on my phone too.
There are a few scenarios that have kept me from killing myself.
If I killed myself, there’s no one in my life who would/could come to my funeral. I promise myself to start creating a life with people in it that I care about enough to not break their heart and who care enough about me to come to my funeral.
I imagine standing in front of a judge in a foreign country that I was passing through as a tourist and was arrested for no apparent reason, I am sentenced to death, I am distraught because that’s not fair, I ask the reason and am told by the judge it’s just because I deserve to die, for just being me. I often remind myself when feeling down…I don’t deserve the death sentence.
If someone randomly walked up to me and started to swing and punch me in the face what would I do? Duck. I innately have a sense of self preservation… so I remind myself that wanting to die is a lie that my mentally ill mind is flooding my thoughts with.
Not sure if any of this helps but asking my prescriber to increase my meds or switch to something stronger is my next step if what I’m on isn’t keeping me from having dark thoughts.
I think there will always be someone here who is more than willing to listen and give support. So stick around and vent all you need to!
What is it that got you down? Eventually it will pass but being stuck in the middle of it, not much helps.
I like to just go somewhere quiet outdoors and try to forget everything and everyone for a while. Even a few minutes of real quiet helps before all the things I don’t want to think about fill my head back up.
Moment by moment, day by day, whatever.
