I failed my little brother

[Ridesende]

So my dad drank all the time when i was a kid and my mom worked all the time to make up for the loss of income. As a result I kinda became the mom figure to my little brother. Hes a year and a half younger than me, and staring at age 5ish i learned that our parents did very little to help me so i had to make sure my brother had a better childhood.

Examples of how i helped him (ages 5 to 13), before i started using; kept him safe from our babysitters abuse, made sure he went to bed on time/ate/brushed his teeth/etc. when dad was too drunk to do so, did household chores to keep the house nice so mom wouldnt yell so much, helped him with homework, was there for emotional support, made sure we had toothbrushes and toothpaste (i used to dig through dads pockets when i did laundry to get change to buy that stuff from the dollarstore).

But after my addiction really kicked off and i started seeing Jessica when i was 13/14 i was barely there for him. He was only 12. He needed me and i abandon him just to party. His grades started slipping months after my problems started amd i didnt care. I still tried to do stuff around the house but barely. Hes 19 now. Im almost 6 months sober and we are finally starting to have a relationship again. I dont know if hes ever gonna forgive me, thats an amends ill have to make someday, but holy shit i was so awful to him. I said terribly cruel things while drunk. Between my substance abuse and our family history, hes terrified of any drugs and alcohol. I traumatized him, he saw me withdrawing one too many times i fear.

Anyways im in a lot of self pity right now which i recognize isnt healthy so im trying to get it all out and then im gonna do some self care. I just feel so shitty that i missed so much of his life because im an idiot

[Alisa]

You can’t go back but you can go forward. It looks like you’re doing a good job of that. You and your brother are young, hopefully you will have a long life together.
There’s lots of support for you here at the site.

[HolySquid]

First of all, I am happy that your relationship with your brother is on the up. Now you really have the opportunity to reconnect and talk talk talk. You might be surprised what you uncover. Have you thought about talking therapy to get to grips with your feelings and emotions? Maybe your brother is willing to go to family therapy with you?
After all it wasn’t your job to become his mother, provider and safeguard. You were also just a child and both of you were failed by the people responsible for your welfare. You feel guilty, I do understand that, but you shouldn’t. You were not the bad guy! You equally got robbed of a childhood.
Work and talk through the past with your brother, and then leave it behind. The future is yours to shape now. I wish you all the best. Love and hugs.

[VerySandy]

I am experiencing this same situation with my sister. I’ve been awful while drunk and played it off in the beginning and then it just became something that happened when I drank too way much. I’m finding excitement in the fact that I’m choosing to be sober now and own up to my actions. That means I am actively growing and choosing to be a better version of myself. Hopefully you can find positivity and excitement in that, too

[Mno]

You failed nobody Amanda. You did the best you could. It’s your parents who failed the both of you. You were asked to do way too much for where you were in life. You were a kid yourself and you should never have the responsibility for a sibling. That was your parents job and they failed at it. I’m sorry.

I’m glad your sober now. Build from here and don’t look back. Same goes for you Sandra @VerySandy . Lots of love and hugs your way. The only way is forward. One day at a time.

[Misokatsu]

At 13 or 14 you were still a child yourself. You are both so young to have time to be honest and real with each other. Talk to him, and express yourself fully and allow him to express himself fully, even if it hurts. Then you can move towards a new phase in your relationship.

[rainy7]

I took care of my baby brother as well growing up and when we got separated through foster care I was secretly happy to release the burden. Now, I have so much guilt even though he loves me and we’re close. He’s an alcoholic as well and I wonder if I kept raising him would we both have been better off I’ve been on a self pity loop too but you’re right we need a lil self care today.