I know we are all sharing a common enemy but and I do mean this honestly with profound proof that no one in my life loves me…
I have been that friend that would do anything for you and I’ve been that family member that would defend you if someone was talking shit and you weren’t there but that doesn’t mean anything to people these days.
Truth is, after everything is said and done and other’s have what they want from you… all the sudden I’m not good enough, all the sudden I’m the guy everyone can talk bad about and not expect an apology or compassion.
I have loved so many that never loved me back and after 36 years I feel cursed, even damned to roam this earth feeling utter emptiness.
Why try so hard? Why not just save myself the suffering? Who am I doing this all for?
I’m sure to many this sounds like a pity party but I’m feeling all this while Sober, -so should I just bury it deep inside this empty black hole or do I share it with the hopes that it saves another?
I’m tired… just so tired and there’s almost no one left for me to fight for. I’m a soldier and I’ll always have a soldier’s heart but this world today has no need for me. I must find a way or find a way out because this soldier has exhausted himself and all my life force. I literally feel like I could take one more big deep breath and just let my soul go breathing out.
The pain is poison and I’ve drank enough for 10 men, I wouldn’t mind at all if the almighty relieved me of duty… at least at this point no one would miss me.
The best advice i ever received was this: stop giving a fuck. Just flip that switch and stop pouring your heart into people who dont care. Find somewhere new, with new people, and live one day at a time. Find the right people to give to (emotionally and otherwise), but stay wary of the people who are users. Stop living for the benefit of other people. Once you learn to love yourself and figure out what makes you happy, your tribe will find you and all those other assholes will seem so trivial in your past. Stay strong, friend.
Ive been used abused and made fun of.
I realized that through the being used up i learnt that I got snarter stronger and taller.
It is what makes us stronger and for all the users and abusers karma is waiting.
And you will be blessed by powers that have been given to you through this people turbulence.
Ive been chewed up and spit out so many times and felt like jumping a few times.
Its not the solution its not soldier personality
U need to fight for the grounds and life u deserve .
Please gain strength and realize that pain in time will fade and gain u a different aspect and not to let too many people into your heart
And give a slice of your away not the whole
Someone once told me that they didn’t even love themselves so how could they care for other people, I used to say that it was rubbish but now I see that it’s true. You have to find yourself and love yourself first before you can move forward. You fight for yourself soldier before you can reach the safety of your your platoon, you can’t outflank your situation and there is only one end goal and that is straight down the middle. Being isolated is a huge test of the mind but it’s better than being in a room full of people and still feeling lonely, put caring about others on hold and for now till you reach your rondevous just do you. “no retreat, no surrender” my friend
I think you need to get out of your head. Change the scenery. Literally. For me that sometimes can be as simple as taking a long walk. It’s amazing to me how much a walk can pull me out of myself and lets me focus on other things. Stop looking inward and try to see what’s around you. Maybe volunteer for a local organization where you can help people directly in need. The world is bigger than you or me even though it’s often so hard to remember that.
Early sobriety can reveal some pretty loud issues and unmet needs once the shiny veneer of liquor (or drug of choice) is taken out of the equation. But having it all exposed, while painful, also helps you recognize the issues and begin to address them.
People can be disappointing. I try to put things in perspective when something or someone gets me down. We are all struggling at times and everyone is going through their own shit even if it doesn’t always seem that way.
I also recommend the company of a good cat or dog. For me, there are few things as simple and joyful as the love and affection of a creature that asks for very little in return. Coming home at the end of the day to two cats who are thrilled to see me may sound a little simple or sad but makes me happy every time.
Good, bad or indifferent, people are just people. They are fallible. I know as drunks we all love to play the victim card. It’s a defense mechanism from looking at our own behaviors. Trust me when I say that we aren’t as innocent as we think. I can’t control other people, but I can control my feeling. If I give so much power to one person that they control my thoughts then it’s my fault.
Hit a meeting. Find some sober friends. Be better than you were yesterday.
I think many of us feel unlovable in early sobriety. It’s hard to look at the reality of who we were while inactive addiction. I felt like I was the worst piece of trash in the planet when I first got sober. Looking at my life and taking responsibility for my part in damaged relationships was painful and humbling. One of my favorite sayings in AA is “we’ll love you until you can love yourself.” And they did. I’m learning slowly to forgive myself, believe in myself, and become a person worthy of the love I receive from others.
Your life isn’t a waste. Perhaps meeting some men who have been where you are would be helpful. Maybe check out a meeting and share what’s going on in your head? I’m betting it wouldn’t be long before you start to feel a bit better.
Thank you all for your kind and wise words, you all have brought much to think about in a positive way.
I am a always going to be a soldier and I don’t know how to quit, I have actually been trying to find a meeting in my area but one wasn’t there anymore and I couldn’t find the second one but I will keep trying.
I need me some friends that I can share life with, i’m not interested in anything intimate- just a cool dude crew is enough for me.
I will keep trying and listening to your advice and suggestions, thank you.
Great advice here and just want to add another perspective. My self worth has always been a big fat zero if not a negative number lol. Throughout my life I have always been a care taker, not only to help others but for my own acceptance too. I realized I felt so unworthy of love that I would do everything in my power to help others so they had a reason to love and accept me. I’ll do this and this and this not only because I love to help but because then you will accept me too! As the need for me lessened I often felt abandoned and unloved. In other words once they realize they don’t need me then they will just leave because there is no other reason to have me around. Sad.
These are core beliefs I built myself on as a child so very hard to get rid of. I will always be a caretaker I just need to be careful about why. I’m also an empath so I feel everyone’s emotions too which is draining at times. Some people will use you over and over and still have something bad to say about you. In my experience those people are toxic, and miserable themselves and you can’t fix it. Now as my self worth and confidence grows I think carefully before I help. I have to take care of myself first and if it’s going to hurt me more to help than it will to genuinely be there then I just can’t. Saying no is getting much easier.
I’m wondering if this is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Example:
Thought process: I’m unlovable. No one gives a shit about me. No one cares about me, etc.
So, what do you do? Pour your entire being and worth into those people who are incapable of loving you back or caring about you, thus perpetuating your thought pattern that you are in fact an unlovable person.
In my opinion, it sounds like this is what you’re going through. Perhaps taking an honest look at yourself and your actions will help shed some light.
I’ll give a personal example of how I fought through this. When I was in undergrad, I wanted a boyfriend so bad. I had no idea why I wanted one, but god damnit I wanted to feel loved and wanted by someone. So, what did I do? I would give attention to anyone who gave me the time of day. Most of my relationships ended up being purely sexual and I was left thinking that I just wasn’t a dateable person. When I started thinking that I wasn’t worth someone’s time or energy, it made me feel even worse about myself. I also kept attracting and allowing the same people to keep entering my life, which just “solidified” my beliefs.
Now though, I know that I am a person who is worth someone. Above everything else, I owe myself my time. And if someone comes along and can compliment that, then that’s just wonderful, otherwise, I have to first be content with my own company.
away not the whole 