I usually don’t like sharing my emotions and feelings but shit… I feel disappointed with myself.
I want to write this down in hope that future me sees how I feel at the moment. To not do the same stupid mistakes.
Anyway, I started watching porn at the age of 14 (21 now). I feel like it messed up my brain, mind and my emotions big time. I used to feel horrible in my body for years not knowing why. Now I am a good looking guy, everyone tells me that I look great but I don’t feel great inside. Porn messed up my mind for all these years and I can’t seem to let go of it. It got to the point where I would feel anxious getting outside and talking to people in general, not to mention girls. I got over that because I started training, building up muscles, abs etc.
So after 25 days of no pornography I relapsed yesterday. What broke my streak was weed. I went to a friends house with my brother and rolled one. I smoke rarely, maybe once a month or once every 3 weeks but it seems like it brings the worst out of me. I managed to get to day 74 of no cigarettes and I am really proud of that but it seems like pornography and weed are a bigger problem than cigarettes because they don’t attack my body, these two attack my mind.
So now I start a new chapter in my life. I’m letting go of weed and porn for good.
A new journey beggins.
Congrats on starting your new journey Petri! Seems to me you’ve learned a big lesson. It happened and it’s in the past now. Today’s a new day. I’m glad you’re here sharing your stuff. That’s growth. Keep growing.
we live and learn my friend, must admit I’ve been watching your journey so it came as a bit of a shock but trust me we’ve all been there and at least you know where you messed up so you’ve got that in the old tool box. Keep growing I know you can do this
I am going through what you are saying aswell, it seems that we have many similarities. I know we’re you are coming from in terms of a lose of confidence as this same scenario happened to me. I am a tall and handsome dude but for years, no matter what people said I always felt awkward and self conscious. I am on day 23 of no porn and through a lot of effort and self reflection, i hope to never go back. Thank you for sharing your story so that others may gather strength. You are also strong for sharing and through the emotion in this, I can tell this means a lot to you. One relapse is not the end of the world, learn from it and remember what it feels like- never go back . Good luck sir, hope to see you around more.
Hi @Petri it’s nice to meet you and thank you for sharing - that takes courage & it is a privilege that you trust us & reach out about this.
Pornography is problematic for many men and women, all around the world. Like a lot of media (social and otherwise), the question is really, does this add value to my life? If the answer is no, then letting it go is a good idea. It will free up your mental and emotional bandwidth for more valuable activities.
Relapses happen on ladders. It is valuable to take time to chart your relapse ladder. There are often mixed substances or behaviours (in your case, the invitation out [excitement, anticipation, dopamine building], the sense of having things “under control”, the social environment where drugs are present, the sense of belonging, the weed, the acting out / doing what you don’t want to do, with porn/masturbation - then, shame and regret). That’s just my summary based on your share; you know yourself and your ladder much better.
You mention weed is a problem for you. How long have you been using it? Have you ever tried to quit it before?
My first sexual relationship was with a model. Looking back, I must have been kind of attractive. But I never felt attractive. If had been a different person on the inside, I could be married to a very attractive woman now. This is meant to corroborate the fact that addiction doesn’t care how you look.
I can’t speak about weed. I fell into video game addiction around the time I discovered porn, so those two got entangled and fed each other. Whatever habits are causing you to stumble have to be changed. Some people can work on one addiction at a time. Others have to quit multiple addictions at once. It depends on your particular habits and how your triggers work. Learn from your experience and do what works.
I feel you man. Just recently I lost after 34 days and it sucked. But I can attest that you can not punish and put yourself down for your losses. In order to beat this you have to have confidence and a clear conscious. It Is technically your body that is tempting you but it is not your will. You cannot blame yourself.
It takes time and effort to beat pornagraphy. I haven’t made it yet but I have made enormous progress, I can now say that it’s a month in between my relapses now and I’m determined that I will not relapse again. I will say that all these changes will lead to a successful life, marriage, and maybe family. I wish you guys luck and inspiration.
@Mno , @Dolse71
Thank you guys. @corndog9 Yes, relapsing sucks because it’s a mental game. You just can’t blame somebody else but your mind. Anyway when things go bad that’s when we find out who we are. Character doesn’t shape when life is all rainbows and flowers. @Matt Thank you, you really nailed it. This is really professional advice. Having things under control is really the key here.
Now about weed… I started to smoke about 3 years ago. Never was a big fan, it helped me through some problems but it was more like a social thing for me. Basically I don’t smoke alone.
Anyway I don’t have that circle of friends anymore because of my lifestyle. All of them are unmotivated guys, talking about stuff but not actually doing the work( looking at the sun all day doesn’t pay) Never tried quitting but I did change my circle of “friends”. @RBG Thanks for sharing. @Dean12 It’s all about that energy transmutation. It’s different with each person. I may use it for some purpose, you for another. It’s certain that this is one of the greatest battles one man can have. Not only pornography but semen retention in general. From what I read a lot of great men in history practiced it (including Malcolm X- he went for 12 or 13 years!! Crazy)Anyway thank you for sharing dude.
After a good night sleep my mood has changed, I feel motivated af. I’m going to get the best workout of my life. Getting the best out of today. Thank you guys. I wish you the best in all aspects of life.
it’s been two days for myself. and I feel very disappointed too. I usually can go over 100 days but then I start struggling and relapsing after. I feel I would relapse after a year or more but I have to at least try and make one year my goal and keep going forward and trying to stop. Surprisingly with everything that has been out there, we seem to know that pornography has been around in everything. Porn seems to be involved in childhood cartoons, drawings, and even in certain lessons. I’m hoping there will be no more of pornography but I think it will take time. I think it really starts with ourselves. Seeing how the entertainment business and even religious groups have been in trouble with this, we are either all victims and seem to be held accountable as well. We have to find a way to forgive ourselves and others. At times I feel guilty but I know it doesn’t last long. Finding solitude or trying to speak to God really does help. I know I’m sure a lot of us probably don’t want to hear about religious talk, but we are all individuals made by the same Creator and yet we are all different and should be unique and come together in helping one another, no matter who we are in life. This addiction feels pretty bad, being around it for over 20 years. As a teen, being involved in PMS (not the menstruation kind) but porn, masturbation and sex addiction, feels like it is just as bad as any kind of harmful addiction like alcohol, drugs, even gambling. We women suffer from a lot of this too. I know we are not alone but I think we can really receive the help we need. We might have to ask and sometimes and even a lot of times people might laugh or be in shock but today I think it’s more common. People are just too afraid to admit it seems. And if they don’t have this addiction, good for them. Retreats really do help. When we are in a wide public place, or maybe even in a small community, sometimes it can help. I know I also like alone time. Sleep is the best and if I can write in a journal or even pray. I do happen to watch EWTN or even some kind of television show or podcast that helps reach out to different kinds of people. I feel it motivates me to do something good for a community I am in.
100 days is a lot. I really don’t know how it works for women but I know that it is a struggle for men. Great job!! Don’t let this loss take you down, get back on track as fast as possible.
The best way to get rid of a habit is to replace it. Masturbation releases energy, use that energy that you are saving for something that you like.(work, gym, a better lifestyle,whatever you feel like doing)
Hi Petri, absolutely - I think you’re right on about replacing masturbation with more constructive things.
To me I think of it as dopamine replacement. Masturbation is a source of dopamine - the anticipation hormone, the same one that comes up when we anticipate eating, or seeing a movie, or visiting/calling a friend - and if we can introduce healthier sources of dopamine, we can feel better about ourselves at the end of the day.
There are so many good sources of dopamine:
take a walk in a forest or park
see a movie or play you’ve been wanting to see
cook something (those aromas are major anticipation-builders)
that is so true. Thank you so much Petri. So when I came to terms of this addiction I was able to put a lot of energy in the things I enjoy. Harmless activities. I noticed going out at night while not working and having many days off really put me into a stupor. So I would lie in bed a lot and not really do much. I need to have responsibilities so I am able to do the right thing and not fall into addiction. I think responsibilities do help. I’m new at this for less than 7 years but being in charge of some meetings and having events during the day really can help. Working helps a lot too.
One mind altering substance can and will lead to another!.. I had to learn this the hard way too a while back. Now you know, now you are stronger for knowing. Proud of your journey so far!!
