So title says it all. Ive been having a really bad time coping with my ptsd and other mental health stuff. I went through a lot as a kid, and my friends are all ok with me venting to them when im having a bad day, i have a therapist, im sober, im doing all the right things.
But honestly the longer im sober the more clear the memories get and the worse i feel emotionally. And ive been more stable overall so my friends are opening up to me more which is great, but I feel bad trying to vent to them now because i feel like im giving back what i took for years. Idk but i miss being a mess and not being as self aware as i am now. Im grateful for my recovery but theres so much responsibility that comes with that.
I also worey that people are sick of me talking about the same shit. Its always the ptsd getting worse and more vivid, and i hate myself, and i feel like a bad person, etc. I want to be better. Im scared people are sick of me bitching about the same things whenever im sad.
(Tw for descriptions of the abuse after this, and i mean all types of child abuse/violence/death)
Like obviously i went through hell, i was trafficked as a kid, i watched people die, i accidentally killed someone, i helped someone get away with murder, i was trafficked again as a teen for a while, survived an overdose, had a miscarriage at 17, and i think thats the worst of it. I developed a dissociative disorder cause it was too much for my mind to carry in one piece
(Tw end its vague from here)
So yea it was hell. And i lived. But holy shit i want to get over it already and im sure everyone in my life is sick of me bringing it up too. I have typed and retyped this post cause ive mentioned my traumas on here a lot amd i was worried yall were sick of me too honestly. I just had to get this somewhere i guess. Ill delete if its too much
Your not a burden Amanda…yes the things you write are hard to read because its so traumatic but you actually went through all of that and none of it was your fault- you were just a kid…please know that what i see is an incredible woman who has gone through so much and yet still is staying sober, seeing a therapist and working through her issues as best she can…Amanda that is nothing short of a miracle so please…talk on here whenever you need to…we might not always have the answers but you will never be a burden. Sending you some genuine love and hugs
I gotta second this. You are not a burden. You are working through your shit and releasing it, bit by bit. You’ve been through horrible things I cannot even imagine and you’ve been fighting like hell to get better. It’s only natural there are days, when the responsibility and struggle of it all becomes a lot. That’s exactly when you call up a friend or check in here to let them know. The way I see it, talking about it and sharing is a way to take a break. You’ll pick up the work tomorrow, or the day after and keep on getting better. But for now, it’s a rest day and we are here to lean on. You are never a burden.
Keep writing Amanda, your never a burden here. Please hear us: you are never a burden here.
I have read your stories many times and they always grab me by the throat. It’s so sad. Life can be so hard. People can be hard.
But you survived all that, damaged for sure, but you survived. You are deffinitely very strong and working hard to cope with yourself and the memories of the past.
You are in the middle of working through all that trauma. The trauma you try to numb by using in the past. So there is a lot of your plate. Venting helps, so please keep doing that! Sometimes I wish I could take over a bit of someones burden. I would take a bit of yours.
I’m glad you’re here as we’re in this together Amanda. And I’m glad you find this place safe enough to post and write and share. You’ve been through hell and have come out on the other side but you need to invest lots of time and do lots of work and get much much help. Sobriety makes it possible to do that work and get that help I feel. But it’s bloody hard I know/. We’re here and we’re happy to try and share some of it all with you. Big hugs and lots of love your way friend. You’re not alone
You’re not a burden to anyone.
Venting and talking about can be really helpful, and we’re all here for it if you need it.
A lot of us has been through hell and back in all different ways. And have done pretty much the same as you did, used our doc to survive, to forget and to not having to think about it.
Blocked memories do get more clear when you’re getting sober, C-ptsd or Ptsd might get a bit worse. Unfortunately it never goes away but when you’re aware of it, and is sober you can always work on it.
Eventually you do learn to ground and breathing through the flashbacks and nightmares, to make yourself feel safe again. And to focus on here and now instead of the past, or the future.
I have a friend who says Get out of your head, or get it out of your head.
Which more or less means Try to live here and now, write down whatever you have in your head at the moment, or talk about it. Either with a therapist or with any friends who are willing to listen.
It might feel hard at the moment. But it won’t always be like this.
Wishing you the best of luck. Sending bright light and positive thoughts your way.
