So i know this is my sick brain talking but i feel like i havent done anything “bad enough” to need to stop self harming. Its a coping skill ive had for a decade, and im 7 months sober today plus 3 days free from self harm, but i dont wanna let it go. Its such a comfort to know that all i need to do to feel better/real again/less sad or anxious is hurt myself. And i know hurting myself regardless of depth is unhealthy but i have a hard time accepting i need help for this. My therapist knows i struggle with this and next session im telling her how i did it for like 5 days in a row and went too deep and hit the dermis which ive never done before. Usually its no deeper than a cat scratch but something about seeing the white followed by that much blood just made me feel valid in my suffering. My mom once told me (when i started hurting myself when i was 11 and the school counselor told her) after she saw my cuts was that they werent “that deep anyways” so now that ive gone deeper i feel like im actually sick.
Like i said i havent in a few days and got rid of all my tools but man its been on my mind so much. I miss it so bad. I feel horrible cause im making everyone worry about me but i just wanna keep going with it. I think i just need some comfort cause im so overwhelmed with feelings and i dont know how to cope with them anymore.
