I feel like scum

I don’t know how it happens but eventually I give in. I drink moderately for a while. Every day but “moderate”. It always escalates. How can it not? As soon as the poison is inside me that is it. I am not me anymore. All control is gone from that first sip. Insanity. Insidiousness. Nursing the shame today. Reaching out.

5 Likes

Hi.Collie. Here’s my take-For what it is. There is no moderates. There are regular take it - leave it regular casual drinkers. Then there are us. Moderates are usually just on their way to being us. Welcome to the world of alcoholism. Now what are ready and willing to do about that?

4 Likes

I very much understand your feeling but you are not scum…you have an addiction and so do I. Be kind to yourself. That doesn’t mean you do t need to take this seriously and fight hard everyday…it just means be kind to yourself. You’re also human. And humans have flaws. Once you understand that and forgive yourself you’ll be better able to fight the addiction. Until then you are just fighting yourself.

:sparkling_heart:

11 Likes

Forgiving myself? I have never heard this before. But thank you. It means so much

1 Like

I ride the shame train all the time. Just realise there are reasons you want to quit, commit to those reasons. There are reasons you drink you have to find a way to move around those. If you find a way let me know I am also on the shame train today. Best confidence.

4 Likes

Guilt and shame are my ball and chain. I feel like I’m suffocating. I know some guilt and shame is normal. I don’t want to forget and aimlessly fall in to the depths of alcohol again.

2 Likes

Than dont. It is easier to slip up than to step up.

1 Like

Already slowly starting to feel like myself again. Thank God for this App. It has been my crutch today

1 Like

Keep using this app, it’s a great tool. Use this shame to remember why you shouldn’t or can’t drink. I try to remember that shame and sickness after drinking last far longer than the drinking itself. When I think of it that way I realize that I’d rather white knuckle drinking temptations than suffer the consequences. Keep your head up. You can do this!

2 Likes

Thank you.

You are not scum. You are human and you are trying. You are still breathing for a reason. Keep trying. I hate some of the platitudes of AA but I still need them. Keep making the next right choice. I think most alcoholics are like me in that we hate the idea of absolutes. Never drinking again is too overwhelming so we don’t want to do it. I personally can’t accept that one. So I don’t. I worry about today (or try to). I can control my choices today–and I don’t have to plan out my choices for the next decade today. I have to get through today. Please keep trying. :blush:

3 Likes

I know this feeling all too well. I felt like this on sunday after a horrid performance on saturday night. But you are definitely not scum. You are trying, and that is the first step. Have you identified your triggers? The reasons why you want to drink? I am on day 4, and even now i am tempted to go to the shops for some wine, simpky because it is a habit (red wine Wednesday, my husband and i call it) but i know if i go today, i wi
L go again tomorrow, then friday, then saturday… once i get a taste, it is like i need it evey night… but i can’t, because one drink is never enough

2 Likes

Thank you everyone. Sometimes I forget I’m not alone because that is what the drink changes my mind to believe. I had a dream last night where I was offered a drink . I said no I’m an alcoholic and I’m on day 2. Crazy nightmares though as I sweat this poison out.

1 Like

Collie you are two days down a solid road. That is a very good start. That dream was not part of a nightmare. That was a glimpse of the reality of your life. You are an alcoholic. The thing is once you accept that you begin making life what you want on your terms. Take the power away from alcohol and be in charge. I know you’re going to love it.

2 Likes

I look foward to loving. Still grieving the destruction of my tornado.

1 Like

What happens after a tornado? You rebuild! Roll those sleeves up and get working on yourself, you can do it.

1 Like

Collie, believe me. I am just over 24 hours sober and today was literally so obnoxiously difficult that I wasn’t sure I could make it (I just wrote about it in my post, the 24 hour struggle is real but I beat it). I’m still in the stage of being angry that I can just “drink moderately” because as you wrote, it starts out that way and then gets worse. I agree with @NewFuture, “moderate drinkers” unfortunately many times fall over the edge. I have never been a take it or leave drinker. I actually didn’t start drinking until I was 18 and in college. But once I started, I fell in love immediately. I was in denial for a long time because I didn’t drink everyday. But when I did, everything started out fun and relaxing. I start out “moderately” and be really proud of myself that I could be a moderate drinker. Then after a few nights of moderate drinking, I’d fall over the edge and be an absolute mess on the nights I drank. It’s definitely frustrating but having a community of people here that are living with it everday and know first hand what it’s like is exactly what we need. Stay strong!

4 Likes

You have great honesty girl. And amazing acceptance. Those are going to help you soooooo much!! I am very glad you joined here😁

1 Like