Man, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I never lost my job, never lost a place to live, never had financial issues. But I lost everything inside. I used to sit at the bar and look around and say, “I’m not as bad as Bob or Jane. I don’t have a problem.” But Bob or Jane were accepting their life as it was, as they made it. I wasn’t. I couldn’t hide from myself, even though that’s what I was trying to do. The only relationships I had left were inside that bar.
I’m a lot like @kdog724. I have fueled my sobriety and recovery and the very real emotions I experience. I fucked up a lot of things in my life with drinking. I hate that! I use that feeling to push me forward everyday. I’ve been having a very hard time at work, managing a restaurant from the kitchen while I’m cooking my ass off. The stress is overwhelming. I had a momentary slip in thinking, my brain took over and told me I was going to the bar once I got off. And my immediate reaction was, “fuck that! I’m not letting some bullshit stop me!” Because that’s what drinking is, reacting to bullshit only to create worse bullshit.
All I have to do is look back to the first few months of my sobriety to remember exactly what I would be in for. Or look a little further back to see myself sitting on my couch, completely paralyzed, staring at the entire prescription of xanax I just picked up, knowing that i could just kiss it all goodbye. Well, i did kiss it all goodbye, just not in the way I was planning. I’ll never forget how awful I felt, how angry and scared, how paralyzed, how out of control. I’ll never forget how hard it was to get sober. Never. If my detox and early recovery was easier, I would have gone back out. I’d be drinking and popping as many benzos as it took to take the edge off the anxiety. Fuck that!
Draw a line. This shit stops now! Funnel all your emotions into living better and being better! I don’t work out, I don’t have a super healthy diet, I’m not some superwoman. Managing my mental health and safety is where my energy goes. And that’s fine with me. I’m a much better person. I’m a much better manager, mentor, role model. That’s who I want to be, and that’s how I redirect my energy.