I feel like such a pos sometimes

Just felt like I needed to talk to someone.

I’ve had depression and an addicted personality for a long time. Over 30 now, my last single friend is getting ready to propose to his s/o. I can’t even manage a date. I ruined my chance with someone by… Drinking. I wasn’t happy and didn’t understand why and drank until I felt any sort of connection.

I give up hobbies. I drop out of classes. I missed my best friend’s wedding in a hangover. (I was supposed to be in it.)

I’ve gotten a reputation as a flake and a crazy person and nobody bothers anymore. My family was up the other weekend and I treated them like dirt, went out to drink, mom knocked on my door to tell me goodbye. I couldn’t get up. Had to call off plans I made.

My cat still likes me because he doesn’t know any better. I’ve done psych and therapy and have more therapy in a week. My sister is disabled bipolar, my dad non-functional alcoholic, my mom disabled kidney failure.

I wonder sometimes what it’s like to be normal and it’s sort of scary to see what lies ahead.

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That’s rough man. Thanks for sharing, talking is good. It’s sad how much alcohol takes from us. But I’m recalling a quote, to the tune of “At any given moment, you have the power to say ‘This is not how the story ends.’”

This is the low part. But you didn’t get this far only to get this far. You came to go on past it and seize the life you want to have for yourself. You may not be able to hasten this part of the journey, but you can do what each day asks of you. Step by step.

If POS is how you’d describe your drinking stage, maybe this is now compost. Maybe it still stinks, but you’re working on it, and it sets the stage for the seeds deep down to bloom into whatever the heck you want to be from here.

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Thanks, idk if it’s a rebound from taking Nal or just being tired today, not usually that bad. I like the analogy though. Writing all that out helps. When people say men bottle up their feelings they haven’t met me lol

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I really like this blurb and I firmly believe it’s true.
It puts things into perspective.
Do not let your past be anything more than your past. It’s ok to look back once in awhile, but don’t stare at it. It’s just like a rear view mirror in that way.

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Have you tried AA? You’ll hear stories similar to yours. There can still be a good ending to your story. Drinking stole a lot of special moments from me with the ones I love.

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Ha. I used to never feel the need to let it out, then later on I did but just conformed to that expectation of bottling it up, but then like 5 years ago, blam. Open the floodgates.

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Yep I’ve been. I feel guilty when most of the stories are way worse. I’ve avoided jail and being fired and homelessness… Still nice to be around people that get it.

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i can relate. i used to carry a pretty shitty reputation among friends and family, and really im so lucky any of them gave me the time of day at all the last couple years. starting off in recovery i was filled w guilt and shame. i was told if i wanted to feel any self esteem i had to do esteemable things. that really clicked w me and w the help of others/working on my recovery daily if i say im going to do something i can be counted on. this is amazing to me as i could previously only be counted on trying to lie to you and disappoint.

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ps - glad to see you back on the forum :slight_smile:

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Hey Brad, I know you are getting something out of meetings lately, so give some thought to finding a sponsor and working the steps. This process is starting to transform my life and how I feel about myself and my past, present and future. And keep venting here - a problem shared is a problem halved. :bird:

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Thank you for sharing brother. This might sound weird, but I’m glad you feel like a piece of shit! Let me explain. These feelings we have inside of us can be strong motivators to get us the heck up and change our lives! While talking to my friends I’ll work in lil comments like, well I’m a no good piece of shit or “that’s cause I’m a terrible person.” Now these are people that know me and care about me So they get that for me, somebody who has the history that I have (even independent of becoming sober just the history,) they know that it is a constant motivator for me To continue to develop and become a better person and it was by listening to this little voice in my head that was telling me (even though at the time i was doing pretty good on the surface) I need to stop drinking cause I had a fuck’n problem and I was still living Like a piece is shit on a certain level. So when I say that I’m happy you feel like a POS I am in no way celebrating your grief for anything more than the potential for self recognition and growth. When I referenced thinking that I was still living under my potential at that level then reading your description of your family I wanna remind you that what level of dysfunction that we will even tolerate is often based around our environment. Now there’s 2 ways we can look at our environment: 1) we can use it as an excuse to continue to do what that voice inside of us is screaming that need to change. We can say the bar has always been low and we got a shitty hand and continue to do that thing that inside we know is wrong and hurting us. Or we can 2) Use that fuckup background and that fucked up history we have as fuel to blow past all those people that have it easy. The more we can recognize what is wrong and see what we’ve lived through and change into what we want the more we tap into the limitless potential that is human growth! That is what you’re doing right now brother you are reaching out to a community and saying “I know something’s wrong and I want better for myself” For me I am big into making thoughts into real things so I would physically say those words out loud, it helps. There is a great book call the great divorce and within it is a character, a wretched person who out of all the likely “successful people,” his actions were completely controlled by a serpent. In a most righteous way though that wretched person out shined every other in the book and is still my inspiration as a POS myself. We put limits on our mind and our potential, we measure our worst selves against the fake presentation that everyone else shows the world and we build walls that say they are somehow different from us because I do this and that’s me… but is it? I am not my job or my workout or my diet or my addictions or my masturbatory habits, I am sooo different. It’s only by ridding myself of the baggage and changing my 1)habits 2)environment can I even begin to see who I truely am. You are not a piece of shit brother, not even if your living WAY under your potential. You’re on the first steps in an amazing path to find who you are and just like the characters from that book the path will be hard and possibly painful at first, but it gets easier and so, so much better. Take care man, I hope to see you around here for you deserve happiness. #StayStrong #StaySober #OneLove

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I’ve been relating to all of your posts lately. I’m seeing positive growth for sure. I feel like the timelines of our recovery are similar. I struggled with the same thoughts as you for a couple years before things started to make sense. You have a bright future if you stick with what you are doing.

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Glad to be back on :slight_smile:

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Wow thank you for that. I’ve been hanging on to the fact that nothing worth having comes easy. There’s always a little voice that says keep going…

Yeah the big fear is trusting myself. I’ve had so many day 1s and sob speeches and revelations and I’m just sick of it. The therapists and pills and picking up hobbies and meditation and self hypnosis…

When I’m drunk I’m really nice. I stuffed money in my mom’s purse. Drunk text to apologise to people. And I think it’s because I’ve been in denial, my dad’s the evil alcoholic. And I hate the idea of being the same thing he is. That’s why I’ve been so stubborn. I hate seeing myself as a monster but it’s come out more than once.

So there’s another revelation for the books.

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oh gosh this post really hurt my heart. hugs

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In my book Brad, this is growth and it’s fucking great to see.
I’m probably right in saying that we have all been there! All these feelings and emotions we have been drowning out are suddenly free. Along with grief. We’ve lost a good friend.
When I was talking about acceptance the other day, this is also something that I accepted. That we feel like this for a while, we have to. We have to work through them, or at least let our mind work through them.
When I joined here I read people’s experiences and realised that was I was going through was “normal”. I was walking around in a daze for a couple of weeks and on top of that was the constant battle with the addict voice trying to get me to drink.
That was a tuff couple of weeks buddy!
But one day I woke up and it was like suddenly coming out of a fog! Things were so much clearer.
At this point I would put all preconceived notions aside and listen to what your body and mind is saying.
Yes you are going to feel tired, sad, angry, humiliated, just go with it. It’s all part of the healing process.
When they say that this is a life changing experience, it’s not just the fact that you are not drinking/drugging anymore. It’s about the way we perceive our place in the world.
Finally we can see ourselves without the haze of alcoholic fog.
We have to learn how to live life differently, there is the change.
Look after yourself Brad. If your body says stop, stop. Read around on here, look at PAWS. Look at HALT. Look at anything you think is relavant.
Listen to what people are saying. If it’s working for them then there’s a fair chance it’ll work for you.
And keep reaching out on here, it really does help.
Stay safe man😀

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Man, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I never lost my job, never lost a place to live, never had financial issues. But I lost everything inside. I used to sit at the bar and look around and say, “I’m not as bad as Bob or Jane. I don’t have a problem.” But Bob or Jane were accepting their life as it was, as they made it. I wasn’t. I couldn’t hide from myself, even though that’s what I was trying to do. The only relationships I had left were inside that bar.

I’m a lot like @kdog724. I have fueled my sobriety and recovery and the very real emotions I experience. I fucked up a lot of things in my life with drinking. I hate that! I use that feeling to push me forward everyday. I’ve been having a very hard time at work, managing a restaurant from the kitchen while I’m cooking my ass off. The stress is overwhelming. I had a momentary slip in thinking, my brain took over and told me I was going to the bar once I got off. And my immediate reaction was, “fuck that! I’m not letting some bullshit stop me!” Because that’s what drinking is, reacting to bullshit only to create worse bullshit.

All I have to do is look back to the first few months of my sobriety to remember exactly what I would be in for. Or look a little further back to see myself sitting on my couch, completely paralyzed, staring at the entire prescription of xanax I just picked up, knowing that i could just kiss it all goodbye. Well, i did kiss it all goodbye, just not in the way I was planning. I’ll never forget how awful I felt, how angry and scared, how paralyzed, how out of control. I’ll never forget how hard it was to get sober. Never. If my detox and early recovery was easier, I would have gone back out. I’d be drinking and popping as many benzos as it took to take the edge off the anxiety. Fuck that!

Draw a line. This shit stops now! Funnel all your emotions into living better and being better! I don’t work out, I don’t have a super healthy diet, I’m not some superwoman. Managing my mental health and safety is where my energy goes. And that’s fine with me. I’m a much better person. I’m a much better manager, mentor, role model. That’s who I want to be, and that’s how I redirect my energy.

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Wow thanks for sharing . That was really relatable :frowning: i have missed out on so many special moments being hungover or drunk . I hope today you feel a little better then yesterday .

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That’s so awesome! Your a fuckin rockstar, that’s what you are! I love it.

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