“Make the mistake of identifying with The feelings of anxiety that they have from the thoughts as they fight and grapple with them and their addiction. Any time we identify with the mind’s bullying we run the risk of become subject to its will. Do not identify with the reminders that your mind is giving you. every reminder is an opportunity for you to change that part of your mind. That is where we draw the line in the Sand and we do not give up an inch to the enemy”
OMG…This describes my insanity to a T!
I was sober for over 1.5yrs then fell prisoner to my growing “needs”. I have a sad relapse story but reading this thread and understanding my thoughts puts things into perspective much better!
I really felt for you @Nyc01850 reading your post,I think you’re extremely brave for sharing and you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of,I can’t offer much advice but can send you some support and as others have said you’re not alone
I love reading your posts Kevin! Thank you for the time and effort you give to writing them! If you enjoyed Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now, have you read his book A New Earth…? It’s AMAZING! I would say the single most greatest and important book of my lifetime thus far! Haha #epic I know. I’d recommend it to anyone, especially if in recovery… from any addiction. And if you’re really keen in getting deep into this spiritiual practice of his, the power of now, being and living in the present moment, he has a podcast series with Oprah that is 10sessions long, one for each chapter of the book, where they delve deep into discussion around his teachings and practice and ideas given throughout the book A New Earth. it’s on her SuperSoulSunday podcast. I’m a bit of a podcast freak haha love em, there’s so much wisdom and enlightenment just by hearing ppl talk about new and interesting ideas and ways to approach the lives we live. Loved reading what your wrote about Bob Marley here too and his One Love expression, so interesting an makes so much sense. If only we all operated according to his OneLove OneFamily philosophy, the world would probably be a less broken, more loving place. Thanks for that.
@Thelittlewaterdog thank you so much for your beautiful post. I’ve read what you wrote several times and i feel like it totally changes the energy o the situation - from self hate to self love. Thank you so much for taking the time to describe it like that and offer me a brand new perspective. I’m going to try to adopt that kind of thinking xx
Don’t be ashamed at all. I don’t think any different of you, and why should you worry about what we think? We’ve got your back and we are here to support you, chat to us whenever you need to get something off your chest. There are a few reformed porn addicts around here (both boys and girls) and you’re not alone. A good first step is admitting to yourself that you need to change. Go easy on yourself though, you are not the bad guy, you are your own savour - time to treat yourself with the real love and care that you need
Hey @anon86726034 thank you so much again brother. When I first came on here to post I felt so alone and isolated and I just needed to yell about my situation. The act of actually posting about it was a relief because it was finally out there. Although I’m still of course anonymous and no one yet knows in my personal life, it was a good first step. But to have had the embracing responses I’ve had feels so amazing - It really lifted me when I felt so alone and down, and I feel in a weird way a bit more accountable to all the good people who took the time to write to me and help me.
I really want to thank you especially Kevin. I can see that you are so experienced and conscious in this battlefield of addiction and I want you to know that you taking the time to answer my posts and replies has had a profound impact on me. I can’t thank you enough - I promise you I will hopefully pay it forward by being able to one day do the same on here to someone who (like me) needs it.
Coming back to the main points in your reply- I love Bob Marley and I love your definition of One Love - totally agree. I love the Power of Now - well done for spotting that in the words I was using! I think I might re read that again actually, it’s literally one of my bedside table books. I’ve just downloaded the Naked Mind on audible, the author reads it herself and it sounds awesome. I will also look into Refuge Recovery - it sounds very interesting. I certainly have caused suffering through my addiction and I think I will need to come to terms with this for myself. The first definitely being the intimacy in my relationship which has suffered. I can actually also start to think of lots of other examples. Not being present in certain relationships. Being there but not actually there. I have a lot to make up for, and I pray that by redirecting my energy and focus from my addiction and it’s ritual, I can hopefully enjoy a brand new chapter with my girlfriend, my family and friends. That’s my goal and that’s why I’m doing this (which is ultimately of course for me).
I will meditate on what is the actual pay off I have made myself believe from doing this. I’ll also listen to that joe rogan episode too - it sounds interesting. And you’re right what ever I think the pay off is it most certainly is as 2 dimensional as my computer screen! (Thank you for making me laugh!) But in all seriousness, my first thoughts on this are as follows: it’s an escapism, and it’s a source of sexual pleasure and high. I read somewhere that addiction comes about when a part of your life is being neglected. My situation completely turned into a vicious cycle - my intimate life suffered and was neglected due to my addiction and I used my addiction to compensate for that which only made everything a million times worse. You captured how porn can descend into a darker and darker place perfectly. Add coke use to that and it’s even worse x100. The bit I struggle to understand is it is clearly such a blatant act of self harm, so why do we keep returning to it? Why do we do this to ourselves?
A lot to think and meditate on. I’m trying to be the watcher and unjudgemental witness of my mind, the ego, live in the present moment, and focus on the new today and my new chapter. Thank you so much again brother - big love to you. #OneLove
Thank you so much for your reply @Lavender. I’m so grateful for being embraced and not feeling so alone and isolated. Posting here has been so liberating. Thank you so much again
You have already shown tremendous growth and you are so open to listening to what people have said and seeing how you can adapt it to your own individual situation, I honestly find it refreshing and I genuinely look forward to seeing your continued growth. It’s an inspiration to put even more in to my own journey. Thanks for being here
Hey @anon13078412 thank you so much brother! It was so wonderful to read that amazing feedback. Whatever benefit I thought I would get by posting or participating in this community, I never thought it would have had the effect it’s had on me. I’ve felt more connected and understood by the people on here than I have had in my ‘real’ life for a long time (which is my fault and of course massively in part to my secret addiction which alienated me).
I’m so happy that I managed to inspire through interacting on this thread - you’ve made my day by telling me that. And I would like to thank you personally again @anon13078412 - I remember when I wrote this post. I was bursting to talk about my horrible and secret situation. I remember how I felt and how I was craving to be understood and to be connected to someone who maybe even had been there. You were the first person to reply and I’ll never forget the feeling I had in reading your response. Thank you for helping brother - I’ll never forget it.
Don’t beat yourself up over keeping it secretive in face to face life as most people may not understand. That’s why places like this and aa,na,SAA etc are great, because only a fellow addict can understand a fellow addict
Haha I know what you mean! I’m in the same predicament lol I was literally just thinking the same thing only a couple days ago…I need to work further away so I have more time in my car to listen to podcasts haha! Awesome that you’re doing a nursing course, such an honourable profession too, helping others in a way not many can! Amazing! Gosh, you’re so right about that river of time running a lot faster these days! I’m in my 30’s too and studying full time to get my teaching degree and working full time at a school as a teacher aide too, AND I’ve got a second job on wknds I feel like all I’m ever saying is “I don’t have enough time”. Especially since, like yourself, I have such a passion and interesting for all things self-growth, self-empowerment and self-love! Best part of being sober is it gives me more time for all my busy ambitions in life haha, another aspect I’m ever grateful for you’ll be hooked once you listen to those Dr Phil and SuperSoul podcasts, it’s my new addiction lol but thank god a healthy one!
Love your positivity and gratitude @Nyc01850! Reading your posts, they’re so uplifting, seeing the positive responses you’re having is encouraging me too! There IS strength and grace in our vulnerability. Keep owning it and putting yourself out there, for its usually when we’re a little bit open, honest and uncomfortable that we do the most growth and awakening and therefore change our habits and transform, leaving our addictions behind.
Welcome and thanks for sharing. You’re not alone. I’m an alcoholic and an addict. When I was drinking and smoking meth…porn came with it. I’d masturbate and watch porn for hours, home alone, while drinking and getting high. This went on for about 9 months. I stopped smoking meth, the porn subsided some. It still seems to go along with masturbating for me. It’s not nearly as often. It’s something that I’m working on. I dont really share much about this. Being a woman, it’s easy to be ashamed about it. Masturbating sober is completely different and its not as impulsive. I’m working on the porn aspect and I watch less and less of it. Good luck to you. Hang in there and keep reaching out!
Judgement should be reserved for the courtroom and shouldn’t have a place in modern society imo though I’m well aware we do not live in an ideal world. I was once told/called something Unrepeatable as I was addicted to heroin which is seen as below the pit of society. I wonder if people will ever wise up and change their opinions after all your don’t see social media or gaming addicts being shamed to the point they sink deeper in to they’re addictions. I think that’s just one of the reasons this place is as good as it is.
Sorry all for bringing some seriousness to your Wednesday
No worries. It’s totally true. It is the world that we live in, unfortunately. Thankfully, I don’t let the opinions if this world get to me anymore. thanks for the supportive words.
Loved reading what your wrote about Bob Marley here too and his One Love expression, so interesting an makes so much sense. If only we all operated according to his OneLove OneFamily philosophy, the world would probably be a less broken, more loving place. Thanks for that.
I feel like all I’m ever saying is “I don’t have enough time”. Especially since, like yourself, I have such a passion and interesting for all things self-growth, self-empowerment and self-love! Best part of being sober is it gives me more time for all my busy ambitions in life haha, another aspect I’m ever grateful for 
you’ll be hooked once you listen to those Dr Phil and SuperSoul podcasts, it’s my new addiction lol but thank god a healthy one! 
thanks for the supportive words.