I’ve been a lurker on here for a while. I feel so ashamed of my situation, but at least I can finally voice it here.
I’ve been sober on and off over the last 1-2 years. I last normally around 3 weeks to a month, and then relapse before picking myself up again and starting over. I’m currently just over a week clean.
My addiction is pretty specific - it’s coke but using while looking at porn. Both the porn and the coke are interlinked. If I see or use one I immediately need the other. I feel so alienated because it’s such a humiliating addiction to talk about that no one in my life knows about it. It’s my hidden and big secret. This is literally the first time I have ever spoken aloud about it in this forum. I’m so ashamed of myself. I don’t know who I am when I look in the mirror. This is not me. Yet I’ve been doing this for several years now. Cocaine starts as a ‘social’ drug and then it evolved into making me totally anti social and recluse when I’m having a ‘session’. It’s horrible. Yet the triggers are so strong that I’ve failed so far every time.
I’m really trying for this time to be different. I’m trying to get rid of all contact with both and will finally use this forum first as a platform to finally speak about it. It feels so weird to finally voice this. It feels like a relief knowing this will finally be read by someone else. But I still feel scared and ashamed. I’m scared also of the weeks to come and whether I will relapse again.
Thank you for hearing me. I was literally bawling while writing this. Any of your thoughts and advice are appreciated. Thank you.
I don’t really have advice but your definitely not alone. I think Coke turns most people from the soul of the party in to someone who ends up just taking it at home. I started with Coke but then found crack and would pretty much do exactly the same as you described but then throw a load of benzos down to get to sleep for work, the amount of jobs I’ve lost and sites I’ve been thrown off is ridiculous. Don’t be ashamed, posting here will help. Welcome
Thank you for your response. It’s less advice I’m seeking and more just a chat and having a place to finally speak aloud. It’s good to hear your story and to find someone with similar experience. I’ve felt so isolated in my addiction for so long. The porn element is what really has brought me to my knees. It has served as the main trigger for relapses over the last year and half. And when I get high a session can literally last over 12 hours. It’s crazy and it’s killing me and makes feel ashamed. Thanks again for the response.
I guess you might need to figure out if the porn obsession was just when you were on drugs or if it was something you would use in an unhealthy manner in its own as you might need to take a different approach for each one. I didn’t really have any interest in it when sober so just having to tackle the drugs. There are plenty of people here with addictions to just porn. I think anything that can give escapism and some sort of release from reality can be addictive. From what you have said I doubt you will have considered going to something like Na, it may be worth considering as the people there have done and seen it all and cocaine addiction is definitely a serious enough reason to go, many think it isn’t
Welcome and thank you for sharing, everybody here has a different story but essentially we are all the same addicts trying to better ourselves and are lives. Shame is definitely a big part of my addiction too and I can relate. Well done on opening up and posting it sounds like a huge step in the right direction. You are amongst friends here
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. It feels good to be able to speak about it in a safe place. Because of the nature of my addiction relating to the porn, it’s just been a source of such shame and embarrassment and prevents me from speaking about it to anyone close to me in my life.
Yes I can understand that totally, your definitely in a safe place to talk here. Use the search bar at the top there are others with porn addiction, read their stories it will help I’m sure
Welcome @Nyc01850.
First things first, know that you are amongst some amazing people who will in no way judge you. We all have our crosses to bear my friend.
Now that you have spoken about this I bet you feel like a massive wieght has been lifted off your shoulders?
Stick around you will find that addiction is addiction no matter what it is.
We can all help each other.
Thank you for your kind reply. It’s a great feeling to open yourself, be vulnerable and be accepted and welcomed. I will stick around and you’re right the more I read, the more I see it’s the same monster but just in a different mask.
Thank you so much for your reply and for welcoming me. The cycle is so self fulfilling isn’t it? And yes you are right, the more I read on here the less it almost matters of what the thing you are addicted to - everyone is dealing with the same emotions.
Ah thank you so much for your reply @anon86726034. For you to say that you’ve been where I am, both emotionally and specifically, I feel connected to you and I’ve never even met you! Thank you for not making me feel not so alone. And your description about how the bad decision can occur long before the ritual is so true. I live with my girlfriend and she knows nothing about this - I would use when I had the chance to be alone - when I’m ‘working from home’ and she’s at work, if she has a night out with friends and I’m at home for the evening, or if she goes to stay with her parents for the weekend. The last one is the worst because then there is technically no stop until she returns. That’s when I’ve been at my absolute lowest. This whole addiction has affected our relationship too, our intimate life - how can it not if all my sexual energy is going into looking at porn on coke. So a massive trigger for me would be her telling me that she is going to stay with her parents at the end of the month for the weekend, and I would already get butterflies in my stomach thinking about it and planning it. I need to be able to be accountable to myself for the next time that happens. That’s what I’m terrified of. When I’m alone and unaccountable. And yes, although I count my addiction of coke and porn as equal monsters, of course it’s the coke that is the most mind altering and damaging. I’m trying to take it one day at a time and jump into the literature, as you say. But I’m scared of when I next have the guarantee of being alone over a weekend or a week.
I’m so sorry for the long reply. Had to get that off my chest. Please do let me know your thoughts and thank you so much again for your advice and support.
I don’t think you should feel ashamed at all, in fact I think putting it out there was really brave. You don’t have any reason to feel humiliated or dirty…it’s the same as any form of self harm, its not a reflection of who you are as a person so don’t ever let it make you feel like that.
You’ve shone a light on it now, and it won’t be able to hide in the dark anymore. You’re not deviant or bad and you have nothing to be ashamed of… You’ve been hurting yourself, like we all have been, and you’re going to be ok - we all are.
“That’s what I’m terrified of. When I’m alone and unaccountable.”
Thank you for verbalizing this. I think a lot of people can relate. I 100% do and feeling unaccountable when being alone is one of my triggers: just the feeling of release.
As for me, feeling nervous as I have an appointment in 3 hrs to seek profesional help. But this quote here is helping me to prepare for said appointment.
Hi @Thelittlewaterdog thank you so much for your wonderful reply. I really needed to hear that, more than you’ll ever know - thank you. I’ve never thought of it as self harm but it’s actually exactly what it is. It’s crazy, why do we do this to ourselves? I always thought of it as indulging to an excess, and I guess it is that too, but it really is self harm.
It feels good to be able to talk about it and to shine a light on it, and then to be welcomed and embraced. I’m honestly overwhelmed by the responses on here. Thank you so much again.
Hey @f_f I’m so happy I was able to articulate something that was meaningful to you. It’s also something that is very central to our issue - being unaccountable when I’m left alone. I’m so proud of you that you went to seek professional help - please tell me how it went? Did you talk about the emotions you feel when you are left alone?
That’s the thing ; what you’re addicted to is just the outcome, the source is the same as always. Again, I think what you’ve done by writing that first post is so brave because your particular addiction has convinced you that you personally are dirty or shameful… and you’re not. X These addictions frighten and bully us all into keeping them secret, they’re like parasites…it’s been whispering to you over and over again that you don’t deserve to be happy and you’ve been hurting yourself. Plain and simple.
The more I thought about your situation, the more cruel it seemed, not shameful or dirty. Porn has nothing to do with love or intimacy, it reduces a beautiful thing meant to provide comfort and enjoyment, into an empty and degrading event that gives a moments gratification…your demon teamed that up with a substance that would horribly prolong the feeling - it’s just cruel.
You can beat this, you really can . Keep telling yourself how utterly cruel this addiction has been to you… and never, ever feel ashamed of yourself again - the minute you get that thing in your head that you’re dirty or disgusting it’ll claw its way back in.
Hey @anon86726034 well firstly I just want to thank you so much again for taking the time to read about my situation and to give your thoughtful response and advice. I would have never thought I would have received the embracing responses I have had on posting this and to get your amazing insight - I love this community and I look forward to continue being an active participant.
I have literally saved what you have written so I can re read it during the day. It’s so true how the sin occurs first in the mind way before any of the actual physical activity. There have been times in the past where the decision gets made and the relapse has already happened. I love your example about smoking in the car and how the mind gets use to the routine. How you described thought turning to emotion - I’ve never thought of it like that before. When you have a consciousness about the overall process, you’re able to almost detach yourself from what’s happening and look at yourself objectively, from the outside, and just know that this is part of the cycle, just a part in the addiction ‘dance’. With time this routine will hopefully break and a new routine is formed, one that is aligned with the new path. I’ve been reading spiritual books which have spoken about the same thing - be conscious of the mind (or the ego as a lot of books call it), just be the observer of it, the watcher. I’ve found that to be particularly effective, but its one where you need to be vigilant. I also try not to think too much about the days ahead, as that can make me feel overwhelmed, but just the present moment - ‘just for today’ as they say.
Thank you so much again brother. You’ve really helped me, more than you’ll ever know. I’m in my thirties, and you’re absolutely right about the health concerns with coke. Thank God I never had any heart attacks, but I would always think about it. Imagine if my girlfriend came home and found me like this if I had one that just took me out. I would think that a lot. But the addiction mind is relentless. I would even have sessions where I would also take Viagra (I’m embarrassed to admit - just for the porn) and for those times I really felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest. Why do we do this self harm? It’s crazy.
Was there any addiction literature that was a game changer for you? Please recommend if so - as you advised, I’m looking to delve into the literature and finally create a new routine and a new life for me. Thank you so much again.
Hi. Thanks for encouraging me to share (I’m mostly like a clam… never ever talk about deep personal thoughts).
So, how did it go?
Overall, pretty good. Positive experience, highly recommended.
How did it feel?
uncomfortable
cathartic
difficult
liberating
but mostly, now I feel more committed and feel more responsible on following through.
Since I’m writing this, might as well share some more about my situation.
On retrospective I’ve always had a relationship with alcohol that bordered the unhealthy, but you can say still within “normal” social behavior; in other words, heavy drinker but nothing noticeable or much different than most people. However, the past 1,5 years have been completely different. The same time period coincides with me starting drinking again after having bariatric surgery aprox a year after (lost over 75 lbs / 35 kgs of weight). So the first year after surgery almost no drinking due to doctors’ orders but then, started “normal life again”.
What the psychiatrist told me is that not only does your digestive/endocrine systems undergo dramatic metabolic changes, but the brain chemistry changes as well. And since these types of surgeries are sort of new, they are still finding out new things. One of these is that people that previously had / displayed unhealthy habits with addictive substances (alcohol, marijuana, nicotine, other drugs, etc) show dramatic increases of addiction. And, because “mental health” is not a priority when developing these procedures, they are understanding now that patients need a lot more psychological, psychiatric evaluation and follow up.
Now, to be clear, i still consider myself an alcoholic (that was tough to write). I’m not using this in any way as an excuse. I still need to abstain, understand my motivations, and recover.
Next steps: complete physical checkup, therapy, and integrate my wife into the process (which I’m VERY nervous to do).
Thanks for listening.
(This is my post when felt like hit rock bottom and re-entered this app and for help: Reality checked)
I think shame is a feeling a lot of us have. No matter how ‘normal’ or ‘weird’ the addiction. I can’t really help you and your situation but I can tell you that you are not alone. So many of us feel this shame, and for me personally, trying to work through the shame has been so rewarding. I think you talking to us about it is such a great step in the right direction!
You are so strong, and even though the shame is so strong, you do not need the be ashamed of yourself. I am proud of you for trying again and again, and I have faith you will beat this addiction once and for all!
Thanks for sharing your story, you are not alone
Plain and simple.