I feel so guilty

Relapses
1

I was such an idiot. So #1, i forgot to bring my meds on the trip to my cousins wedding, which was farther away and my fam and i were in a hotel. #2, i drank an absurd amount of coffee. #3, the hotel had me all messed up and panicky. In short, i managed to induce a manic episode.

I went on to:

  • drink (im 2 days now it was a short bender)
  • cut myself again out of guilt the drinking
  • binge eat, then puke it all up (im bulimic)
  • crash into a depressive episode

Also a friend of a friend died the same way my cousin did; drugs laced with fentanyl. So that has really made my depression worse. And fuck they were so young. My cousin was 24 when she died, the other girl Abby was like 14-15 and she is dead from an overdose. Fuck.

I feel like a failure. Im failing at my sobriety, i have eating disorder that makes me feel like a failed anorexic because i have suffered for years and im still fat and ugly, i have tried and failed too many times at killing myself, i can never do anything right. What the fuck is wrong with me to mess up something as simple as dying?

Sorry guys im all up in my feelings tonight

2

@Jay6,

Good to see that you’re back at it. Never give up, never!

It’s sad to hear what happened to your friend and cousin. I’m sorry.

My friend’s son also died of a drugs laced with fentanyl almost 2 years ago.

Glad you’ve got another chance. With relapse, there’s usually something to learn from it. Would like to know what you’ve discovered from it.

1 Like
3

There is nothing wrong with you. You are dealing with a lot of internal and external sh*t (for lack of better word) right now.
Drinking seems to have set off the landslide for you, correct?
Being here is a good thing. Are you getting any face-to-face help as well?