Well, I’ve been addicted to cocaine since April of last year. In October I started my first rehab. And failed. But I kept fighting hard to keep sober with my boyfriend and so, I relapsed AGAIN. and AGAIN, and AGAIN. And yesterday I relapsed after a long time and begged him to help me again. I feel really bad for him, he loves me so much and he’s always there for me, even before we got back together, but omg no one deserves to love a junkie. And I WANT TO HAVE A NORMAL LIFE BUT I’M ALWAYS FAILING! I have medications, I have my psychologist,I have basically everything that i NEED IN MY HANDS but I’m so weak and I always let my addition win the battles. I also have depression and the drug is always telling me to kill myself. I don’t know if someone is gonna read this but no one in my family knows, I just have my boyfriend and my dream is to find someone that can help me or at least to have some experience with those things and those battles.
I don’t know, I’m weak.
thank u but if I’m not weak why I’m always loosing? fuck I can’t stay more than 2 months sober and I always relapse!!! I have my medications but they don’t lock me at home you know? (I wish they could)
Hey I totally know how you’re feeling. Cocaine took everything from me. I went from having everything, beautiful truck. Beautiful car, apartment, beautiful girlfriend with a baby on the way. It started small, then turned into every night, not paying bills to full on taking over my life. Shit I did coke in the hospital bathroom when my daughter was born, my ex left me bc I was leaving her home to go on drug runs and do coke all day. Im so far into debt bc of it. It was the easier drug for me to stop, but it’s also the one that sneeks up on me the most. I tried killing myself twice bc of alcohol and coke, I always said I loved coke but it always made me feel the most depressed. And it really did start to affect me different then when I first started, my mind is definitely fucked from all the coke I’ve done. It gets easier, that’s all I can say. Just keep playing that tape of how much you actually hate it and all the better shit you could be buying. And seriously is a 100 bucks really worth a 30 minute high and then chasing you’re drug dealer all over trying to get more fuck that. Keep pushing, and also if you drink I’d stop bc it’s a huge trigger. I know if I drank I’d dive Right back into the coke the second I had 3 beers
that just made me cry a lot but thank u for sharing. one of my friends just died bc he used to inject coke and sometimes I just wanna have a overdose so that I can be with him again. and that hurts so fucking much that I now spend DAYS crying about it. men, I’m 22 my biggest dream is to have a family, to have a baby and I have to fight for that! THE WORST PART rn is that I barely feel good with coke anymore cause I always have to use A LOT to feel just some happiness, but when the down comes I spend the day thinking about death. fuck, I’m glad you sober now. i hope it gets easier for me too.
btw, I trying to stop smoking rn, cause it’s a huge trigger for me.
Welcome to the site/app. You’re not weak. It’s not always about strength of will. When you become addicted to a drug it permanently changes brain pathways. I used to suffer some of the same pain you are talking about. If my DOC was put in front of me, no matter my good intentions, I’d take it and I’d keep taking it until I didn’t have any more access. Honestly, no definition of hell can compare to me than the emotional turmoil that took, so I have nothing but pure sympathy for your situation. My family didn’t know. Hell, they still really don’t know. That’s the shitty thing about being a functional addict. One thing I had to realize is that I had to change my life. Everything about my life had to change and my mind set had to change. You’re not weak, but you’re struggling. That’s normal, but there are people here who care. Keep coming back to this site. Read peoples’ stories, engage with people. Post before you use when you feel the urge and see if someone can talk you off the ledge. You matter and you’re worth the effort it will take to get where you want to go.
It will girl, keep pushing. Your friend wants you here living and fulfilling your dream of having a family and baby so he can look down on you and protect you. I was in the same shoes as you, I started coke when I was 21 and used heavy untill about 4 months ago. I’m 30 now and it did alot of damage. It really truly will get easier for you, just keep pushing and you are strong, you are here with a amazing support group. You have a your awesome boyfriend, just stay busy and switch things up and keep playing that tape when it sneeks up, no matter how much it hurts and sucks keep fighting that voice in your head untill you win. And you will win, feel free to always tag me or reach out. I’ll give and help the best I can, I hope you have a good night. Love yourself and be easy on yourself. Trust me the stuff isn’t worth it, having your heart pound of your chest and being to afraid to go wake someone up because you think your going to die so you just lay there with it pounding so fast that your so scared isn’t worth it I promise
you don’t have any idea how much this means to me I’m so tired but now I have again to rebuild everything for a new battle and THAT’S SCARY?!?!!! but thank u again I’m just crying so hard cause I felt your pain and I related to it. I don’t wanna destroy myself anymore. I’m already having problems with remembering basic stuff because all the use and my asthma is a lot worse. And I mean, all of this happened in 1 year?? it’s crazy. I’ll promise you I’ll fight harder. I can do it, this time there is no going back.
bruneca, your story really touched me. Those first days are so hard. But, it gets easier, I promise. You may not see it right now, but it is so worth it. God has great plans for you, plans to fulfill all of your dreams, even dreams that you haven’t even considered yet. Recovery is possible, and it is a miracle. One day, you will look back on these times with gratitude. You are worth it. I know it’s hard to love ourselves after a lifetime of not being so kind to ourselves, but I believe in you. I am praying for you now, that you find peace tonight. God bless♥️
Ive been to a similar situation as you. Im addicted to cocaine for 10+ years and i have a partner that is very supportive. If theres any advice i could give you is to never take your partner from granted. Like you said, its very hard to love a junkie and have a relationship to one. Also the addiction is tricky and will try to deceive you many times to damage your relationship so you can be “free” to use the drug again without no barriers. I know it did for me. It was like a little devil over my shoulder saying “fuck thid relationship, end it now and you can be free to do all the cocaine you want”.
What is important is that you want to live and you have the will to stop. That is a very important step towards recovery.
Cherish your boyfriend and take care of yourself. You can make this.
Message me if you want to talk more about it.
Fuck, i did that too. The day my wife had our baby i was doing coke all night till we had to go to the hospital for delivery. I stayed all night doing coke in the hospital till the baby was born. The next day i almost killed myself. I just didnt do it because i had to take care of my daughter while my wife was in the hospital.
This drug is miserable and takes over your soul. Theres no negotiation with it. It wants all of you.
I found that playing the end tape and imagining the day after and all the disgust i felt helped me to stay away from it.
But im still fighting it…
thank u. i actually started to believe in God again because of all these rehab stuff I just idk I felt like I needed something more. I even read the Bible and that is something that I NEVER thought of doing? haha but really, thank u. I’ll fight harder than ever this time.
I can’t tell you how many times I thought about leaving him just o use all the coke that I want without anyone controlling me, but everything i think about this I just start to feel a HUGE pain in my chest, it’s like God saying “bitch pls don’t loose that men, he was by your side during the last 4 years even when you were almost overdosing he took you and he hold you till you feel safe” you know? I love him so much and I love our love, I can’t I CAN’T choose a fucking drug that destroyed my life over him. I NEVER want to have this kinds of thoughts again.
Yes the drug will try to destroy everyone in our path that could help us. Be strong! And thank him for helping you. For being by your side. The people around us suffer a lot too because our behaviours. However, try to be clean for yourself and not others. I managed to be clean for way longer when i was doing for myself.
You’re not weak, you’re addicted. I had a run with snorting ritalin for a while in my younger days. Had 1000 pills shipped to me, i snorted my last 75 in three days and came down fucking hard. After that i tried coke once but it was shit compared to those pills (THANK GOD) because i would’ve been hooked had it been good. So i gave that up and continued one hell of a career as an alcoholic.
Sobriety is fucking hard in the beginning but using is fucking harder! I see you met @anon60334405 and others already, there are so many amazing people on here!
Bless your heart . I’m so pleased your here reaching out for help. It’s a really brave thing to do i was a huge coke addict and I lost everything my kids my home my family but even then I would hide my addiction and lie … I tried so many times to quit but couldn’t cos I didn’t ask for help … my addiction got worse and worse that I needed more of a high and went on to crack and heroin… I was a homeless junkie I never in a million years thought that would be my life but drugs take everything from you in the end … it’s great you got a good man by your side please keep fighting through this day by day min by min if u have to if u need to vent come on here and talk to us all someone is always here to help u . X
From a acholic. That just relapsed I really wish I had your life and had the money to recover center if you have money for cocaine you have money for that stuff I live down by the river in a tent in the winter and summer a nice guy gave me a solar charger for my phone I eat fish and beg for money hope my story helps you
it did. I hope you’re okay. I wish I could help you. but please, keep sober. let’s help each other, I know that I’m nobody but you can talk to me if you want. stay in peace.
