I relapsed the other day and then I kept doing it for 3 days but tonight I gathered all the dispensers and canisters laying around and walked them out to the trash myself. In the past, I had had one of my partners throw things away for me but it felt so powerful to do it myself. Things felt like they aligned tonight. Not only did I notice metal shavings in the dispenser and black stuff in my nose and throat, I saw a friends post about being 8 years sober and it was really inspiring. I saw a quote online at the same time that said, “I’ve messed up in the past but I can do better” and it is the spring equinox so no better time for a change. I came up with a new reward system that I’m super excited for and am working on my DBT skills book I got. I feel like I can do it this time. I want to do it so bad. I want to stop. This has to be the time. I know I can do it
Good for you. 
Is there a way you can stay accountable about going through your book? Start a thread here even.
I find that a great theme to have…doing things for yourself and investing in yourself, taking control of yourself over time grants alot of personal power, integrity and responsibility. At the very beginning of my sobriety my mother wanted me to order some test strips so that she could test me anytime ie hold me accountable…i refused because i wanted to be accountable for myself with no distraction of the fact that she could test me anytime, that was for me to do not her
Love the mental image of you throwing everything away yourself. You’ve taken the reins, you are leading your recovery. Such a strong moment and strong share. Keep posting!
I’m actually doing it page by page with my therapist who is assigning me pages as homework!
Thank you so much. I’m finding that since I did it on my own, I still feel empowered today!
I love hearing this because it made me really angry when my husband was trying to do things to check on me and I think it’s because it feels like I’m being treated like a child and he has no trust in me but since we talked about it, he’s taken a step back and is just being supportive which is way more helpful.
Sounds like a great plan to keep you on track!
I’m so happy to say that I went to a women’s group tonight and it didn’t even dawn on me until I just got home that I passed at least 3 shops that have my DOC and I didn’t even have the beginning of a thought to stop! The group today was very helpful and was at a perfect time to keep me feeling empowered and uplifted. I even chose an oracle card at the closing of the group that said I am determined and swimming up stream but I WILL achieve my goals which also just felt like another thing aligning. I’m feeling very good but not over confident and am going to settle down for the night and work on my book. I think I will keep this thread going so I can write a win everyday for myself to see and feel like I’m being held accountable by sharing with everyone here
Doing it yourself is huge, good idea. Keep stepping forward!
Well for starters that’s a really powerful thing to do to go throw all things that you were using away you should be very proud of yourself for that accomplishment so good job with that. What were you using exactly if you don’t mind me asking …what did you mean by metal shavings
I was using whippets and using a whipped cream dispenser to do them”safely”
What’s a whippet ? I’ve never heard of that before
It is nitrous oxide. What they give you at the dentist for some procedures or anxiety and is also what is used in cans of whipped cream but is extremely dangerous when abused
Oh ya… Kinda like air duster right
I’m not sure what that is but I’m assuming another inhalent so probably
Yeah thats what they use to clean off keyboards when they are dirty and dusty
I’m so happy to say that today, even the thought of whippets, the metal shavings I saw, the black stuff in my nose and throat after the fact, all has me feeling sick to my stomach. Even the thought of the smell of the gas is just making me feel awful and I’m glad. 2 days tonight!
I’ve honestly never paid much attention to how the equinox affects me before but spring really changes my moods in regards to seasonal depression on top of my regular bipolar depression. The sun is rejuvenating, being able to air out the stuffy house and have fresh air inside is amazing and having more light in the house and longer outside really makes me feel happier. With the risk of sounding crazy to some, I find I am more open to and aware of things in regards to the universe as well. I guess my spirit feels a bit lighter
GREAT JOB GIRLY!!! You got this